Family dilemma: PLEASE HELP!

[Mum4891]

My husband and I have a baby. We both have FT jobs and I am the main breadwinner. I LOVE my job and have good career progression opportunities. My husband hates his job and applied for a job in another country. When we went there, I didn’t like it and said no immediately. I allowed myself to be coerced into saying yes as he’d be unhappy if we remained where we are, and I can be a FT mum. However, I have now realized that I have made a huge mistake. The thought of moving there fills me with doom and I feel like I have ruined my life. People keep saying “you can always move back” but my job will be gone by then and it’s very rare to have jobs in my line of work advertised where we live.
I have shared this with my husband and feel awful as I’ve thrown a gigantic spanner in the works. We are now at stalemate where he refuses to stay here and I am filled with dread and sadness at the thought of moving. I feel like we have completely different life goals and I don’t know how we can reconcile this. How can we find a compromise?

Don't do it. Don't give up your good job and your financial independence for a move abroad that you clearly don't want to make.

He can go if he wants to.

As someone who did move to the other side of the world - unless you’ve both into it, it will never work long term and you’ll become resentful.

Could you take a career break for a few months and give it a try? That way your job would still be there if it didn't work out.

Totally agree with PP depends what country it is how I would feel about giving it a try.

I have lived overseas for my husband’s career and it has put a LOT of pressure on our relationship. I liked where I was living, and I made a lot of friends. Coming home was really difficult, though. My career has gone to shit.

Don’t do it.
I moved to Oz with dh and gave up a job I loved. I can’t start again (long story). But, it made me miserable and I sunk into depression. We moved back two years later when dh got made redundant. Not only did I have to start again we ended up in marriage counselling as that nearly fell apart. The resentment was huge.
Please don’t do it

Don't go. If you go and you want to come back he could potentially block you from bringing the baby with you. Just don't do it. No man is worth detonating your life for.

Is he a teacher & you a nurse? This seems fami!iar. If you are the OP I'm thinking of don't do it, and even if you are someone still dont. It's way too much of a risk.

I moved away from my city to a town to further my DH career. I was happy to at the time and it was still within the UK.
Looking back... I don't think I would have advised myself to do this again. I've ended up with a just above minimum wage job and no career progression. Financially I am now vulnerable. I'm also dissatisfied with not being able to work to my potential and my pension will be affected.
I don't really fit in socially here and have lost my friends back in my home town now.
My DH and I are fairly solid but it has added a strain. He is the main earner.
If you haven't given your notice in then don't! If you have - ask to change your mind! You're going to be financially and socially worse off?!

Don't do it, his happiness doesn't trump yours.

Agree with everyone else - don't do it. His happiness doesn't trump yours!

If you do go abroad and hate it, you will be able to come back, but will you be able to bring the child with you? I have a friend in the UK who is desperate to return to her home country but her ex is refusing to allow the child to leave, so she's stuck here or faces returning to her home without her DD (something she wouldn't even consider). She makes the best of it but she really is very unhappy and desperate to get home again.

He could work abroad and commute - plenty of couples do it successfully. Good luck Op!

Why does he refuse to stay? Is it just his current job that he hates or is there something else making him want to go? It seems like quite an extreme reaction to not liking your job. Presumably there are other jobs he could apply for that don’t mean moving abroad.

Don’t do it

no, for all the reasons stated above. Please dont do it.

Is it close enough to commute? Me and my OH have been doing it for 4 years now. He is in Sweden and comes back every other weekend, and I travel out every other weekend. Maybe with a kid that will be harder but you have to choose You. My friends in Sweden that are SAHM are isolated and depressed. No support network and very hard to make friends. I would say stay here unless there is a large establised expat community that you can tap into.

Don’t do it, don’t lose your much loved job and career for him to have a punt at something that may or may not work out. If he really wants to go, let him, you stay here. Give it a year, arrange for regular visits (both ways if poss) then you can both reassess.

Absolutely don't do it.

No way. Your instinct is telling you everything you need to know, listen.

Your dh will have to accept that if he wants to keep you all together, then he will need to go back to the drawing board, and look for a new job. It is not the job overseas or his hated current job. A new opportunity is possible in time, he should keep looking.

Moving overseas when you have no friends, no support network, no job and no desire to be there is an absolute recipe for disaster.

Surely there must be a job somewhere in the UK that is commutable that will suit your husband ? He’s the one with the career problem not you OP .

Is there any chance your work would give you unpaid leave for 6-12 months?
You may find that you can't come back with your child, without him, unless he gives you formal permission.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HagueConventionnontheeCivilAspectssofInternationallChild_Abduction

Also if you are currently the main breadwinner what will your finances be like in the new country - will you be able to work at the same level and salary? What will childcare facilities be like?

Don't do it. If you both aren't on board and fully aligned on what will happen/expectations then it's asking for trouble. One of my best friends here was in your position and moved here. She didn't speak the local language and has struggled for 3 years integrating in a place she honestly hates. It's caused so many conflicts between her and her husband that she said she wishes she never left.

Not a chance in hell. Do you have dcs? Do you plan to have them? What is the law in country you are relocating to in the event of a split. I don’t see this marriage lasting tbh whether you stay or go. I wouldn’t go. Often people unhappy in their current life just take it with them when they move.

Did your husband even discuss it with you when applied for a job in another country?
Don’t go and start getting your ducks in a row because this situation has divorce written all over it I’m afraid.
Will he pay you maintenance from abroad?
Better a clean break now rather than a messy protracted divorce later down the line, where the scales are tipped in his favour

I work overseas and at least half of the Europeans have a spouse who lives and works in their home country - pretty standard.

What is it that your DH dislikes about his present job? Is the new job in the same field? What would really worry me is what happens if he finds he hates the new job and you've burned your boats in terms of yours.

It seems to me insane for the main breadwinner to give up work in your set up. If you can afford for one of you to stay at home, can that be your husband?

Not a chance!

He goes alone or he looks for another job in the area

Don't move. We moved when our dd was newborn to a place I loved and wanted to move to. Even so, it's been incredibly hard uprooting my whole life and settling somewhere new and I developed pnd. You don't even like the new country to begin with so it'd be a nightmare settling there!