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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family dilemma: PLEASE HELP!

110 replies

Mum4891 · 25/05/2019 01:08

My husband and I have a baby. We both have FT jobs and I am the main breadwinner. I LOVE my job and have good career progression opportunities. My husband hates his job and applied for a job in another country. When we went there, I didn’t like it and said no immediately. I allowed myself to be coerced into saying yes as he’d be unhappy if we remained where we are, and I can be a FT mum. However, I have now realized that I have made a huge mistake. The thought of moving there fills me with doom and I feel like I have ruined my life. People keep saying “you can always move back” but my job will be gone by then and it’s very rare to have jobs in my line of work advertised where we live.
I have shared this with my husband and feel awful as I’ve thrown a gigantic spanner in the works. We are now at stalemate where he refuses to stay here and I am filled with dread and sadness at the thought of moving. I feel like we have completely different life goals and I don’t know how we can reconcile this. How can we find a compromise?

OP posts:
magicBrenda · 25/05/2019 07:15

Take moving out of it. If you DH came home and said ‘give up work to be a full time mum’ you would say - get lost.

What’s the difference here?

Why would you make yourself financially vulnerable?

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2019 07:15

Sit him down and explain you don't want to stop him from pursuing his dream because you love him very much. But you really don’t want to go. Create a plan together of how you’re going to work this situation so he can go alone but you can also continue to afford family life. It could be great for his career to work abroad for a while.

I was a trailing spouse pre kids. I loved it. But dh and I decided together that we would go and I would sacrifice having a career. No way would I go in your situation. Just no. You have a job you love, which would be difficult to return to and a child. You could find yourself poor and trapped in a country you hate with your cv gathering dust.

LonelyTiredandLow · 25/05/2019 07:18

Another saying don't do it. I nearly got talked in to moving across the planet when I was pg. I realised leaving my entire support network for a man when I needed people around me and stability was not what I had planned for me or my child.

It sounds as though he isn't able to think about being a SAHD for a bit and keen to be breadwinner - but perhaps that is something you could talk to him about? Or he could work out there and fly back every few weeks? Not ideal but if you put it to him that way he may want to reconsider. You really do not want to be stuck somewhere new with no one to help with a new baby and husband starting a new career.

NatureWillDeleteTheEvidence · 25/05/2019 07:20

Don't do it; this is a watershed moment in your relationship and a chance for your DH to show what his priorities really are..

MoonstoneMagic · 25/05/2019 07:21

Absolutely don’t go. I followed my OH for a job he really wanted. I hated the town and but felt I couldn’t say no. We left a house and area I loved, I gave up my job and I was utterly miserable for the next decade. The job ended up nearly wrecking his health too. If your OH really wants the job he will have to go out there alone and fly back for weekends when he can.
My father did this with two jobs whilst my mother stayed behind. She’d had enough of moving and had a job herself that she couldn’t have replaced elsewhere.

MyInnerAlto · 25/05/2019 07:22

In most cases, the spouse follows because the one moving is the main (or only) earner and it makes sense from that POV. You're the main earner and he's assuming you'll give up the job you love and mov to a place you don't like, basically because he's the man?

I met dh abroad and live in his country. Being here is so much the right thing that it's obvious, and even I have my moments of wistfulness and fish-out-of-waterness. The sacriice he is demanding of you - on two levels - your job and living in a place you can't get on with - is too much.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 25/05/2019 07:23

Don't do it. Your well-being and financial security is more important than your marriage (if it comes to it).Flowers

Qweenbee · 25/05/2019 07:24

I'd try the living in different countries to begin with on the basis that I might change my mind once he is settled, as long as he accepts that you might never change your mind too.

Grainedmonkey · 25/05/2019 07:28

OP 2 things you have said
I LOVE my job and have good career progression opportunities and
it’s very rare to have jobs in my line of work

I seriously could not give this up, it would be a sacrifice too far. You would be making yourself very vulnerable if things don't work out in the relationship or the new lifestyle abroad. Trust your instincts

God it's a shitty dilemma.

Wonkybanana · 25/05/2019 07:28

I may be reading too much into this. But is there any chance that he resents you for (a) enjoying your job and (b) earning more than him, and that him looking for jobs abroad is precisely put you on the back foot?

Orangeballon · 25/05/2019 07:28

It’s your life, you call your own shots, if you don’t want to go then stay put at least until your hubby tries it out for a year. He may not like the new job and country and then where would you be.

Loopytiles · 25/05/2019 07:30

You’re understandably rethinking. It would have been a very bad decision!

It is very U to be angry if your spouse does not wish to move abroad or give up a good job and financial independence.

maddening · 25/05/2019 07:33

How old is your baby?

Laserbird16 · 25/05/2019 07:45

It seems a bit all in doesn't it? I would also vote don't go as his happiness doesn't trump yours.

But if he won't consider anything else and you want to be supportive, I would look into a less drastic transition.

First could you invest in some career coaching, marriage counselling or whatever for DH. He needs to understand what he wants from this move. Could he look at jobs in the UK - or wherever you are - instead. Or even go part-time in his current role and use the other days for childcare and trialing another role, career?

If he is still keen after that and believes the move abroad is the only possibility for happiness, how about he can go first and if possible you visit him and he visits you. Once he has established he actually wants to do this long term then that's a really hard conversation you both have to have.

I did support my spouse when he wanted to change career and honestly I really wish I had held my ground and asked him to take baby steps. It was hugely stressful for me as we changed cities so he could do a degree, I left a job I loved and have ended up in a job I'm now at peace with but hated initially, we took a massively hit financially and he decided after 5 years of study and work he preferred the financial benefits of his other career. I still kick myself but it has kind of worked out for us. But I wouldnt recommend it.

dottiedodah · 25/05/2019 07:53

Please be careful here.You say you love your job .Do you want to be a stay at home Mum?, its quite different to having a career ,here in UK let alone abroad .Leaving a good job here, would be a huge wrench for you .If the job is Europe or USA then you may be able to come home fairly often .If further away then I think you should not go.Does his new job really pay as much as 2 f/t jobs?.If not you would have less money as well.Also a few weeks ago on here ,a lady posted how cut off she felt as was abroad with 4 children and couldnt get home .Why not tell him how you feel ,you have a right to be happy as well !.Its not the 50s any more where wives had no choice but to follow hubby.

Allhailthesun · 25/05/2019 07:57

The compromise is that you clock up a ton of Avios points as he goes and persues his dream job alone and you stay as is.
You will both have to use your holiday leave to see each other but it’s not unheard of.
If he doesn’t like it it’s much less tricky him coming back alone than all of you. If you hate the arrangement you can follow him out later.

Loopytiles · 25/05/2019 07:58

Not feasible to work FT and parent a baby, with a partner abroad, doing no parenting or domestic work.

Loopytiles · 25/05/2019 07:59

The compromise would be OP’s H getting a different job here.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 25/05/2019 08:01

You will be giving up your happiness to make your dh happy. You will massively resent him op.
Plus your rights maybe different in the other country.
Don’t do it. Grab that massive spanner!

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 25/05/2019 08:04

Not feasible to work FT and parent a baby, with a partner abroad, doing no parenting or domestic work.

The Op could get a nanny which the husband paid half for; as well as half of the other expenses of raising a child.

KirstyJC · 25/05/2019 08:18

Why did he feel it was OK to coerce you into doing something you don't want to? What kind of husband thinks that is the right thing to do to the person he is supposed to love and cherish? Oh right, the controlling, thinks only he matters, kind.

Don't go. You resent it already and you haven't even left. Imagine how you will feel if you do go.

Any relationship where one person has had to sacrifice their happiness and the other doesn't care about that is not going to last. And once you split up, with his great new salary he can pay good child maintenance can't he.

SmallPinkBear · 25/05/2019 08:18

I gave up my job and moved away for my husband’s job and I hated it. I felt I had to go as he would resent me for not going but I ended up resenting him so much. I hated it so much I used to cry when we got on the plane at Heathrow... the problem was he loved it (and still does). He did leave slightly before our contract ended but only after me repeatedly asking him to. It put so much strain on our relationship, I am not sure we will ever fully get back to where we were...

mathanxiety · 25/05/2019 08:25

Under no circumstances should you consider moving abroad to become a SAHM, giving up your job.

You can hire a nanny and a cleaner, or get an au pair.

Your H needs to figure out what his priorities are here and make the sacrifices necessary himself if moving abroad for a job is top of his list.

Does he want to stay married?

Does he really believe that he can reasonably ask this of you and if yes, where is that belief coming from?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/05/2019 08:28

Oh god this is so hard because to move massively raises the likliehood you’ll resent him and as anyone knows resentment kills love.

However it’s easy for everyone on an Internet forum to say “fuck it let him go”, but that leaves you a de facto single parent and it also boosts likliehood of your relationship tanking, just because it happens a lot in marriages when one partner works away a lot.

I really would not go though. As tough as this sounds at least by staying here you retain your mum network, vital with a baby, plus your established friends and family plus YOUR JOB!

Stay....but brace for tough times and you’ve got to draw on all the help you have x

UmpetyLumpety · 25/05/2019 08:28

Not feasible to work FT and parent a baby, with a partner abroad, doing no parenting or domestic work.

Don't want to derail the thread, but, erm, what's the difference between having a partner working abroad and not being available to help and single mums working full time with no help available? They manage!