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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dilemma: PLEASE HELP!

110 replies

Mum4891 · 25/05/2019 01:08

My husband and I have a baby. We both have FT jobs and I am the main breadwinner. I LOVE my job and have good career progression opportunities. My husband hates his job and applied for a job in another country. When we went there, I didn’t like it and said no immediately. I allowed myself to be coerced into saying yes as he’d be unhappy if we remained where we are, and I can be a FT mum. However, I have now realized that I have made a huge mistake. The thought of moving there fills me with doom and I feel like I have ruined my life. People keep saying “you can always move back” but my job will be gone by then and it’s very rare to have jobs in my line of work advertised where we live.
I have shared this with my husband and feel awful as I’ve thrown a gigantic spanner in the works. We are now at stalemate where he refuses to stay here and I am filled with dread and sadness at the thought of moving. I feel like we have completely different life goals and I don’t know how we can reconcile this. How can we find a compromise?

OP posts:
SunshineSpring · 25/05/2019 08:30

Not feasible to work FT and parent a baby, with a partner abroad, doing no parenting or domestic work.

Of course it is. Its blooming hard work, but it's totally feasible. I know a number of families who have done it. Usually by home based parent not making many trips, and abroad parent doing most of the travelling. It's tough on both partners - it's hard work being abroad on your own too, combined with (typically) mid haul flights once or twice a month.

MrsBertBibby · 25/05/2019 08:33

Not feasible to work FT and parent a baby, with a partner abroad, doing no parenting or domestic work.

ODFOD

Justanothernameonthepage · 25/05/2019 08:36

Please stay. You can parent and have a ft job with support. It will be hard, but not as hard as reluctantly living overseas, with no support network and a partner who will be working hard at a new job and unlikely to support you emotionally.
My parents moved abroad, my dad headed out there for 18 months first, that allowed him to work without worrying about family, learn about the area and ensure there was cars/help etc sorted out
My Mum took 2x6 month absence from work over 2 years before deciding to move out with him. It was gradual and everyone had support. And it was still hard occasionally.
Could you suggest something like that?
Why does he think uprooting you all is the answer? What does he hate about his job? Is there an opportunity for him to retrain in the UK for a different one?

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/05/2019 08:36

Oh god you have to stay. The fact that he's prepared to totally implode your life against your will says a lot about how much he cares about you.

Exploration2018 · 25/05/2019 08:56

Why can't he be a sahd here if he can't stand his job?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 25/05/2019 08:59

You have the right to change your mind!!!

Please do not be blackmailed into going along with this if you don’t want it.

Personally, there is not a snowballs chance in hell of me moving in your shoes. You are giving up everything and he doesn’t even want to ensure your happiness.

He is changing the status quo so Both parties need to want/ be happy with the change.
Based on what you have said you will be very vulnerable if you go.
Consider...
will you be able to bring your child back if you split up? Or will you be trapped there unable to work?
Will you be able to get a similar job again if something happens? Ie could you support him and your child.

He sounds like he doesn’t care about you very much and is prioritising his own happiness.

Did he even discuss it with you before you applied???
Does he resent you being the high earner?
I struggle to believe this the only job where he could be happy... is there seriously no job available in your entire country that he could do other than this one?

LittleCandle · 25/05/2019 09:15

Someone I knew agreed to move to Australia for 2 years because her husband had a great job opportunity out there. She hated it and at the end of the 2 years told him she wanted to come back to Scotland. He told her fine, she could go, but he wouldn't allow her to take the kids with her. Although she did come back for holidays (usually with him and kids but sometimes alone) she is still out there nearly 20 years later. Her kids barely remember Scotland and are settled out there and Australian citizens. She never had to work and had a lovely house and is still married to the same prick guy, but she has never been genuinely happy.

Please don't move abroad if you are unsure, especially with a child. You might not be able to bring your child home by yourself.

3luckystars · 25/05/2019 09:21

Tell him to go first. He can get his job and get everything set up.

You stay here.
In 6 months go for a holiday and see the set up.

Come back home and think about it for another 6 months. (If he is still there)
Then and only then, when you have all the figures and information, should you even consider giving up your job, your salary and your life for your husband.
You have your child to think about now so it's not all about him.

In the meantime, Do not give up your job.

Alwaysgrey · 25/05/2019 09:44

Do not give up your happiness and job satisfaction for him. You will resent him.

I left a job to move home and city as my dp wouldn’t move. I hated the job and didn’t really like the city. I always resented him.

Quartz2208 · 25/05/2019 09:47

You hate the place so dont move

He hates his job so he can find one here or move without you

DO NOT GO

elonmusk · 25/05/2019 09:56

I moved country for my husband. I was happy to do so as we were young, looking for adventure and wanted to try something new.
We've ended up being here for 10 years. Things took off for me careerwise and I'm now the breadwinner and happy in my work.
However, if I had my time again I wouldn't do it. We'll likely never move back, and while I'm happy, I miss my family and friends dreadfully, have very different relationships with them as a result of the distance, no true solid network here that I can rely on for my son, and resent that he'll grow up not truly knowing my country.
So if I was you, I wouldn't go.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 25/05/2019 10:00

Haha imagine a man giving up a good job and going abroad to become a SAHD so his wife can work, knowing he probably won't be able to get back into the same work on return.

Trebla · 25/05/2019 10:08

Hague Convention

Whyhaveidonethis · 25/05/2019 10:10

My husband moved abroad to study and further his career. I stayed home with 3 DCs and a full time job as the only earner in our relationship and traveled out monthly. It was soul destroying and our relationship hasn't worked out. He is unhappy there and I was unhappy without him here.

Personally I would still advise you to stay in the UK. Do not risk your future on his whim.

Topseyt · 25/05/2019 10:14

"Not feasible to work FT and parent a baby, with a partner abroad, doing no parenting or domestic work

Of course it is feasible. Plenty of people do it. Silly comment.

wibbletooth · 25/05/2019 10:19

Does your dh have a particular link to the country he wants to go to? Or is the job something truly amazing that he could only get there but not here?

I’d he expecting to sell your house/car/etc here to provide money for the move and living expenses? Particularly if the cost of living is much cheaper there than here, again making it tricky to move back - either without him (guessing he wont sell up!) or with him if he doesn’t like it (same money will buy much less house than you sold).

If you feel unable to say an outright no because you’re worried he will coerce you into saying yes, how about suggesting he goes for 6 months to ‘set things up’ before you get there...

You can go out for a week’s holiday half way through, you will know then if you do or don’t mind staying in this country without him and you can see how he has set things up and if you like it. Or not. He will also be able to settle in and ensure he really likes his job.

Then when you are safely home you can tell him that you’re not going. That you hated it, he didn’t expect to stay doing something he hated and nor should you. And that he has known all along you didn’t want to go and you are not going to be coerced into it when it is obviously a bad move.

It will be much easier if he is not there and you are still here.

There are laws in the Uk now about coercive control over spouses - don’t know if that would fit here?

What are the laws like in the new country about either him being able to make your dc stay there even if you don’t - whether you or they live there. And about paying maintenance from abroad - I think some countries will enforce it while others don’t...

Has he looked for the same sort of job in the uk or not bothered and just gone straight to applying for the job abroad?

HollowTalk · 25/05/2019 10:19

Just out of interest, which country does he want to go to?

In any case, I wouldn't go.

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 25/05/2019 10:23

Don't give up your job!

If you don't mind saying, where are you based and where is his new job? It might help people to come up with workable alternatives for you.

Weebitawks · 25/05/2019 10:23

I think without knowing the country, it's hard to talk if yabu

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/05/2019 10:30

Don't give up your job and income. Don't do it. Don't.

LillithsFamiliar · 25/05/2019 10:32

Don't go. You were clear you didn't want to go.
Plus your DH knows you enjoy your career. He's asking you to sacrifice to support him as though only one of you can ever be happy at work but actually in a supportive relationship you find solutions that make both of you happy.

nauticant · 25/05/2019 10:33

From what you say it's quite likely that you will want to come back to the UK. However, relatively soon into living abroad you could find that your DH could prevent you taking your DC out of the new country of residence. This would mean either returning to the UK without your DC or having to stay in that country for a very long time.

If you ended up splitting up abroad, he would have the law on his side and the financial means to take advantage of this and you would have the law against you and be penniless. I wouldn't risk it.

notapizzaeater · 25/05/2019 10:36

I wouldn't do it either - you both need to want this and you don't . Can't he get a different job here ?

INeedAFlerken · 25/05/2019 10:39

I wouldn't go.

You will be giving up a job/career progression that you love and where you have some security for yourself and your child to move to a country you don't want to move to AND be dependent on your unhappy husband. Not a recipe for a lasting happy relationship.

I would refuse to go. He can commute or you can separate as amicably as possible now.

juneau · 25/05/2019 10:44

I'm guessing you haven't been married very long. This is a classic case of both compromise. The bottom line though is that you're happy and settled and he isn't. Therefore he needs to find a new job. Why the hell does it have to be abroad though? It's totally unfair of him to expect you to give up your job and career in order to support him. This is 2000s not the 1800s. Don't give up your job, your home or your career for him to follow a whim that you don't know will even work out for him. He's not thinking about you and that doesn't bode well. This is a marriage of two people, not him calling the shots and you trailing along behind. Stand your ground.