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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish “D” P

117 replies

SelfishDP · 24/05/2019 23:24

So, I know I’m not BU but really need to have a rant before my head explodes!

We have a baby who is almost 6 months old - fortunately a really good easy baby
However, I have not had even half hour off from him to myself yet, even has to come with me when I have a shower
P hasn’t dressed him or bathed him or anything
He goes out 2 nights a week for 2 1/2 hours for his hobby and has been out tonight since 5pm in the pub - kicked off at me earlier as I asked how long he was going to be - apparently I’m out of order asking this question ?!
Tonight has particularly pissed me off as the baby has been poorly - crying, sick, poorly tummy etc and he’s still not bothered to come back to help
And when I said to him earlier it’s unfair that he does what he wants when he wants and he never has the baby so I can have an hour or so to myself to do something he told me that i shouldn’t have had the baby if I didn’t want to look after him! Don’t get me wrong, I love being with the baby but ffs, 24/7 for nearly 6 months!
This is all on top of the fact that I do everything in the house, all the admin for his business and run a livery yard - tonight for example I’ve been up and down fields with the baby in the buggy fetching horses in
When I try and tell him that’s its unfair and it’s really pissing me off he just tells me to stop moaning and he doesn’t have to tell me what he’s doing or explain himself to me?! And I’m really getting on his nerves by saying anything
And that he doesn’t need to look after the baby because dads don’t do that?!
Er, yes they do?!
I’m such a positive get in with it type person but it’s starting to wear me down tbh, I feel like I never stop - I’ve been on since 5am this morning , the baby has been poorly since about 6pm, only just gone to sleep and now I can’t sleep as I think I’ve gone past it
I was busy the whole time through my pregnancy and never stopped since the baby arrived - I’m nearly a stone lighter than I was before I got pregnant!
The sad thing is is that I’ve always absolutely loved him to bits but I’m starting to lose it a bit now with all this attitude, clearly me and the baby aren’t very high up on his priority list
I know loads of u will say LTB but that easier said than done when finances are complicated, animals to consider, don’t actually want to break up the family 😞

Well done if you’ve managed to read all if that- think it’s come out in a bit of a jumble

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 24/05/2019 23:30

What a twat.
Dump him.
Stop doing anything for him.

Nofilter101 · 24/05/2019 23:36

You have to tell him. Walk out and leave him with the baby so he can see

Travis1 · 24/05/2019 23:37

I’m sorry you don’t want to break up ‘the family’ but the reality is my love you’re not a family, you’re just his skivvy. I would honestly make steps to leave him. Sounds like he’s bringing nothing to the table.

You might not like the LTB answers but honestly it’ll be the beat thing in the long run for you and your child

RedDogsBeg · 24/05/2019 23:40

You have two choices:

Stay and put up with it, he isn't going to change, he doesn't want to, doesn't love or respect you or your child enough to do so, as far as he is concerned he is still a single man without commitments and is behaving as one, you don't figure at all on his priority list. If you stay this is what you are accepting.

Leave, you will have one less person to consider, he is never going to help you so you will be no worse off in that respect. There is no 'family' to break up he has no interest in your child. Yes it may be complicated to disentangle finances, etc., but that can be done and once done, it's done.

I would leave, however hard that may initially be it will be easier in the long term.

TriciaH87 · 24/05/2019 23:40

It's simple in the morning you leave what ever baby needs you get up and you go out. Turn off your phone and have a break. You then tell him when you get back at your leisure its his child too, if he can't look after his child he should move out and start doing his own paper work. Tell him if your treated like a single parent you will be one at least with the money he would have to pay you for your child you can hire some help or nursery fees a day a week for a break.

Newmumma83 · 24/05/2019 23:42

Real dads do help, does he not want his child to have a relationship or bond with him? Because that’s where he is heading.

And wow your to do list is huge, out ownership back on him, when he says your getting in his nerves , tell him he is
Getting on yours , he knew you were having HIS baby and he should have said if he was going to be an absentee father.

He needs to help and share the work pod but that also means share in the joy.. my husband has boys night with our baby also 6 months at least once a week! That means I get long baths, glass of wine , no night feeds ( since he was about 2 months old ) ...that’s what a dad does ... and he gets the biggest grins / giggle and interactions from our little boy because he makes an effort ... I am so sorry your guy is being such an arse... has he always been this person I. Retrospect? Or is he acting out of character x

user1473878824 · 24/05/2019 23:44

Oh my love. The thing is, it’s not a family. It’s him behaving like he’s single and you doing literally everything. His life hasn’t changed at all. You love him, but he’s being horrible to you. Sit him down and try to discuss it unemotionally. If nothing changes, look at how to sort the finances if you leave. You can’t live like that.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 24/05/2019 23:44

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AndOutComeTheBoobs · 24/05/2019 23:44

Break up the family?
You aren't breaking up the family - he is.

Already has done. He's so far broken from all of you it's job done. He just sleeps round your place occasionally.

He needs an ultimatum. Ship up or fuck off

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 24/05/2019 23:45

Damnsexy are you fucking kidding me?

You're blaming this lazy cunts actions on the OP?

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 24/05/2019 23:47

If you decide to stay with him (big if)
Point out that he will have 50% custody and sole responsibility during that time including childcare costs if you leave.
See what his attitude is then. Fucker.

Youseethethingis · 24/05/2019 23:57

You don’t seem to have much of a family to break up. You are his staff. And he doesn’t like it when you get uppity and start talking about employment rights (like a right to a break).
Lots of us will say LTB because, from what you have said, there isn’t much relationship to salvage from this horrible situation.

Miniloso · 25/05/2019 00:00

What a nasty man. I’d leave him. He’s no role model for a child.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2019 00:01

Why on earth are you putting up with this deadbeat? Raise the bar, because it's currently on the floor.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 25/05/2019 00:05

The problem you have is that he believes it's the mother's job to raise the children.

And beliefs are very deep-seated. You can't just say the right words and suddenly he sees the world a different way.

Treesthemovie · 25/05/2019 00:15

He is vile and doesn't see you or your child as a priority

Treesthemovie · 25/05/2019 00:15

Stop doing any admin for his business for starters

HolesinTheSoles · 25/05/2019 00:18

Well if dad's don't look after babies wives don't get muddy bringing horses in and they certainly can't muddle their dainty little heads doing admin. He sounds like a prick. He probably isn't even as sexist as he sounds he's probably just bloody selfish and lazy.

Merryoldgoat · 25/05/2019 00:25

There is no ‘family’ to break up. Families support and care for each other. Doesn’t sound like he’s doing that for you.

Why do you love him? Why are your Standards so low? Because he doesn’t love you if he treats you that way.

Love is a verb - how does he show his love?

I wouldn’t spend 5 more minutes with him to be frank.

MadCattery · 25/05/2019 00:26

When my son was a baby, DH was like that. Golfing every weekend while I stayed home. One day I started to pack and when he asked where I was going, I told him back to our hometown, where all of our parents lived (600 miles away). I told him even EBF babies and moms needed a break and I wanted to be where the grandmothers would love an opportunity to have the baby for a few hours. He begrudgingly allowed me a few hours every Saturday and gained an appreciation for what I did! And if he had not, I was fully prepared to load up the car and go.

BMW6 · 25/05/2019 00:28

Seriously?

He's a prize cunt, and you would be absolutely barking to put up with this shit for a single minute.

DaftHannah · 25/05/2019 00:29

It's simple in the morning you leave what ever baby needs you get up and you go out. Turn off your phone and have a break

No sensible parent would do this and leave a very young child with another adult who doesn't appear to give two hoots.

The safety and care of the child is very important to OP. DH is taking the piss because he knows that she will behave appropriately.

Merryoldgoat · 25/05/2019 00:33

He begrudgingly allowed me a few hours every Saturday and gained an appreciation for what I did!

I honestly don’t understand where these men crawl from. And why is it always men who need to experience the reality before they believe it - why won’t they listen to their partners?

Halo84 · 25/05/2019 00:40

On the other side, I have a relative whose husband was like yours, OP. She worked full time, had three young children, 3 and under, to care for, and did all the cooking and housework. She stayed and now, as an old woman, regrets that decision.

EKGEMS · 25/05/2019 00:41

is pushing your baby in a buggy around horses safe? Jesus fucking Christ I despair of all these useless,abusive men I read on here! Honey you are the only one treating yourself and your son like family your useless bastard of a husband is treating you like shit! Please consider speaking with a solicitor and get advice on divorcing him because believe me it ain't gonna get better