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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish “D” P

117 replies

SelfishDP · 24/05/2019 23:24

So, I know I’m not BU but really need to have a rant before my head explodes!

We have a baby who is almost 6 months old - fortunately a really good easy baby
However, I have not had even half hour off from him to myself yet, even has to come with me when I have a shower
P hasn’t dressed him or bathed him or anything
He goes out 2 nights a week for 2 1/2 hours for his hobby and has been out tonight since 5pm in the pub - kicked off at me earlier as I asked how long he was going to be - apparently I’m out of order asking this question ?!
Tonight has particularly pissed me off as the baby has been poorly - crying, sick, poorly tummy etc and he’s still not bothered to come back to help
And when I said to him earlier it’s unfair that he does what he wants when he wants and he never has the baby so I can have an hour or so to myself to do something he told me that i shouldn’t have had the baby if I didn’t want to look after him! Don’t get me wrong, I love being with the baby but ffs, 24/7 for nearly 6 months!
This is all on top of the fact that I do everything in the house, all the admin for his business and run a livery yard - tonight for example I’ve been up and down fields with the baby in the buggy fetching horses in
When I try and tell him that’s its unfair and it’s really pissing me off he just tells me to stop moaning and he doesn’t have to tell me what he’s doing or explain himself to me?! And I’m really getting on his nerves by saying anything
And that he doesn’t need to look after the baby because dads don’t do that?!
Er, yes they do?!
I’m such a positive get in with it type person but it’s starting to wear me down tbh, I feel like I never stop - I’ve been on since 5am this morning , the baby has been poorly since about 6pm, only just gone to sleep and now I can’t sleep as I think I’ve gone past it
I was busy the whole time through my pregnancy and never stopped since the baby arrived - I’m nearly a stone lighter than I was before I got pregnant!
The sad thing is is that I’ve always absolutely loved him to bits but I’m starting to lose it a bit now with all this attitude, clearly me and the baby aren’t very high up on his priority list
I know loads of u will say LTB but that easier said than done when finances are complicated, animals to consider, don’t actually want to break up the family 😞

Well done if you’ve managed to read all if that- think it’s come out in a bit of a jumble

OP posts:
BarnabasTheMaineCoon · 25/05/2019 00:45

First of all, pulling your weight is not 'help'. Secondly, do NOT procreate again with this loafer no matter how easy a sperm donor is. Thirdly, I'd get rid of him.

5foot5 · 25/05/2019 00:46

Probably a good job he is still just DP and not yet DH. It might make it slightly less complicated to disentangle yourself from this useless specimen.

Seriously why would any woman this century saddle herself with a man who thinks dads don't look after babies? DH is in his 60s now but he has always done his fair share of house work and childcare when that was relevant.

Ditch this lazy git, you are better off without him

RavenLG · 25/05/2019 00:46

don’t actually want to break up the family
You wouldn’t be though would you. He would be and honestly is it even a family when dad can’t be arsed to look after his own family, when he chooses his own happiness over the happiness of his wife and child. He’s no man.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/05/2019 00:46

Is the livery yard 'his' business, a shared one, or your business, separate from whatever he does that you take care of the admin for? It's probably time to start thinking about your financial position and whether you would be better off taking the baby and leaving, or telling him to leave.

Yabbers · 25/05/2019 00:49

It's simple in the morning you leave what ever baby needs you get up and you go out. Turn off your phone and have a break
Yeah, bugger off and leave a 6 month old baby with someone who has never looked after a baby. That’s a safe thing to do. 🙄

He begrudgingly allowed me a few hours every Saturday

You stayed for a few hours he begrudgingly allowed? Really??

CJsGoldfish · 25/05/2019 01:00

Did you discuss all of this when deciding to have a baby? What did he say then? Was he upfront about what he was willing to put in?
Either way, he's not going to change. You accept it or you leave. It really IS that simple keeping in mind that you are modelling what a relationship 'is' for your child.

BarnabasTheMaineCoon · 25/05/2019 01:01

don’t actually want to break up the family

You don't really have one now.

Original poster
SelfishDP · 25/05/2019 01:33

I think he knows that no matter how tempted I am, I wouldn’t leave the baby with him and clear off for a few hours as I don’t think he’d look after him properly, so I’m in a bit of a shit situation all round really
Obviously my priority is that the baby is ok so therefore he’s always with me 🤷‍♀️
Got no family that lives nearby either
When I’ve told him tonight that he’s a selfish arse and really ought to sort his priorities out , he said he presumed I was exaggerating about the baby being poorly to ruin his night out?! Bearing in mind he was only nipping out for an hour 🙄 but went at 5 and came back at midnight
And now I still can’t get to sleep cos I’m so pissed off 😡

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 25/05/2019 01:37

What a selfish, useless waste of space he is. How can you even begin to love him? You’d be far better off on your own.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/05/2019 01:41

You haven't got family near. Have you got family far away? Because I'd be off as long as you have someone who can deal with the animals. Or does he leave all that to you too?

'His' business as well. You own any of that?

cordeliavorkosigan · 25/05/2019 01:45

You are completely right to be pissed off. he is very unreasonable and not adding anything at the moment.
You clearly can't leave the baby with him, but you can leave every other thing, esp those that mainly impact him. Don't do any of it.
It is infuriating. Who are these men who basically think having a child means hanging about in a pub, subconsciously thinking yep, me big man, me sired child, how nice, now me in pub. Like women are not really people, just skivvies and nannies, to them... at least, that is how it feels seeing how common this is!

RedDogsBeg · 25/05/2019 01:54

He won't change OP, to put it bluntly he doesn't think you and your child are worth it. You have a lifetime ahead of you of not being able to get to sleep because you are feeling resentful and pissed off, you will be ground down to a shadow of yourself if you stay.

clairemcnam · 25/05/2019 01:56

Do you have family you can go and stay with? Who will help you with the baby? Because if yes then I would go and take the time to think about what you might want to do.

LilQueenie · 25/05/2019 02:01

first stop doing the admin for him. You take care of the baby and he takes care of his own stuff. Don't cook for him nothing. Also speak to a solicitor about your finances and the situation. You are being used here and you need your life back.

firstimemamma · 25/05/2019 02:03

I'm so sorry to hear about your ordeal op, he really does sound awful!

My fiancé had an extremely demanding job working in a hospital but still manages to do all sorts when he's at home - from changing nappies to doing the baby's bedtime routine with me, dressing baby, helping out around the house, looking after baby while I nap. All without being asked / me offering to do it instead. He's done nothing with friends since baby was born 9 months ago, not once. I've got no horses to worry about and am still finding motherhood tiring! I can't begin to imagine how shattered you must be!

I'm not trying to sound smug, instead I honestly think you need to show your partner my post so that he can start to get a handle on what being a normal dad involves. And if he says my fiancé is an exception tell him he's really not - my mum's friends' husbands and men in the family with children are all exactly the same.

I'm so angry on your behalf and hope he changes ASAP and actually faces fatherhood! What's his hobby? Not that any hobby justifies his behaviour!

Thanks and Winefor you op.

firstimemamma · 25/05/2019 02:10

Has a job, not had! Typing during a night feed sorry!

ANewDawn10 · 25/05/2019 07:10

Ok then op complain about him but do nothing about your situation. All because you dont want to break up the 'family'. You arent a family.
He may be selfish and whole lot of other things but you are the fool that's choosing to stay with him and put your child through it.

Whisky2014 · 25/05/2019 07:11

Why are you putting up with this?

TeaForDad · 25/05/2019 07:17

Start looking after you, baby and horses only.
Let the admin and house go and term him so.

If a dad friend of mine was like that I'd be disappointed

scratchyfluffface · 25/05/2019 07:19

Stop doing any admin for his business for starters

This!

DoctorDread · 25/05/2019 07:19

Ugh. What a twat. Fgs get out of there

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/05/2019 07:21

Does he have any family nearby?

If you aren’t prepared to Leave him then at least don’t do anything for him- no cooking no washing nothing for him!

JonSlow · 25/05/2019 07:25

What are you getting out of this relationship? List the good points, and compare them against the bad.

Life would be much better if you split.

Dana28 · 25/05/2019 07:25

Is the horse thing his business or yours?

Chamomileteaplease · 25/05/2019 07:30

He has never looked after his own son??? Incredible.

So many questions!

Was having a baby a joint decision?
Does he not have any friends who have babies/children so that he can see "the normal" behaviour of a good father?
Do you think he wants to split up and is trying to force you?

Finally do you have any friends or any decent member of his family who could have a chat with him? I mean, he just sounds so bloody stupid, let alone selfish and utterly horrible!!