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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish “D” P

117 replies

SelfishDP · 24/05/2019 23:24

So, I know I’m not BU but really need to have a rant before my head explodes!

We have a baby who is almost 6 months old - fortunately a really good easy baby
However, I have not had even half hour off from him to myself yet, even has to come with me when I have a shower
P hasn’t dressed him or bathed him or anything
He goes out 2 nights a week for 2 1/2 hours for his hobby and has been out tonight since 5pm in the pub - kicked off at me earlier as I asked how long he was going to be - apparently I’m out of order asking this question ?!
Tonight has particularly pissed me off as the baby has been poorly - crying, sick, poorly tummy etc and he’s still not bothered to come back to help
And when I said to him earlier it’s unfair that he does what he wants when he wants and he never has the baby so I can have an hour or so to myself to do something he told me that i shouldn’t have had the baby if I didn’t want to look after him! Don’t get me wrong, I love being with the baby but ffs, 24/7 for nearly 6 months!
This is all on top of the fact that I do everything in the house, all the admin for his business and run a livery yard - tonight for example I’ve been up and down fields with the baby in the buggy fetching horses in
When I try and tell him that’s its unfair and it’s really pissing me off he just tells me to stop moaning and he doesn’t have to tell me what he’s doing or explain himself to me?! And I’m really getting on his nerves by saying anything
And that he doesn’t need to look after the baby because dads don’t do that?!
Er, yes they do?!
I’m such a positive get in with it type person but it’s starting to wear me down tbh, I feel like I never stop - I’ve been on since 5am this morning , the baby has been poorly since about 6pm, only just gone to sleep and now I can’t sleep as I think I’ve gone past it
I was busy the whole time through my pregnancy and never stopped since the baby arrived - I’m nearly a stone lighter than I was before I got pregnant!
The sad thing is is that I’ve always absolutely loved him to bits but I’m starting to lose it a bit now with all this attitude, clearly me and the baby aren’t very high up on his priority list
I know loads of u will say LTB but that easier said than done when finances are complicated, animals to consider, don’t actually want to break up the family 😞

Well done if you’ve managed to read all if that- think it’s come out in a bit of a jumble

OP posts:
ReasonablyIntelligent · 25/05/2019 07:32

You can't control his actions, you can only control yours.

So leave.

This is not going to get better. It's only going to get harder. A year from now you'll look back and be glad you did.

With an attitude like his (ie. Deep set beliefs and contempt radiating off him in waves) by staying, you're just delaying the inevitable - do yourself and your baby a favour and get the ball rolling to leave him.

LeslieKnope2020 · 25/05/2019 07:34

It's frustrating listening to you describe him. Please know that his behaviour is not normal and it's certainly not ok to leave you with 100% of the childcare. Do you see a future with him where you're happy? Do you want more children? Would you be happy to have another child with him or will you now deprive yourself (if you wanted more) of one because of him? Will you ever get over how selfish he his or will it eat away at you? At what age do you think he will start helping? When the baby is 1, 3, 5, 18? I think you need to have a think about yours and your baby's future

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/05/2019 07:35

Looks like you’re a single mother already...

Weenurse · 25/05/2019 07:37

Sounds like he wants the single life with no ties or explaining but also the comfort of having everything done for him.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
You need for him to start doing things with the baby. Even if it starts with bottle, storey and bed.
Let him do it his way, even if it is not your way. Build on from that

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 25/05/2019 07:39

Tell him to do his own fucking admin. Lazy bastard.

LonelyTiredandLow · 25/05/2019 07:42

Sounds like he is deliberately detatching...
First thing to stop (if you are going to get ducks in a row) is the paperwork for him. You could copy anything important you might need to have for financial evidence but leave that to him and explain something has to give - obviously it can't be the baby!

You need to really talk to him as an adult about why you need him to be part of the family, not just financially. What can he see himself helping with? What is he worried about? Where does he see himself in a few years (the last one is where I would worry as it sounds as though he is missing his old life). You need to be aware of this and on top of it before it slips too far. He needs to communicate and if he can't you need to start lining up those ducks. Good luck, you deserve much better.

Acis · 25/05/2019 07:45

Where on earth does he get the idea that fathers don't parent their children? Tell him it's 2019, not 1819.

Is it conceivable he might go to marriage counselling if he realised he is pushing himself out of this marriage? Maybe that might help him to learn a few realities. If he won't, you need to start working on your exit strategies. Given the work you do for his business, I strongly suspect he needs you more than you need him.

number1wang · 25/05/2019 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessTiggerlily · 25/05/2019 07:47

I would speak to a solicitor to work out how you could leave, how things could be split. Maybe CAB could advise on benefits.
It's difficult to make him change if he knows you are stuck with him.

simplekindoflife · 25/05/2019 07:52

Ew I think I would despise him, he sounds like a horrible man.

If you're not going to LTB, then start being selfish back. Do everything you need to do for you and the baby but screw everything else. No admin for him, no washing his clothes, no cooking his dinner, nothing. Tell him you don't have time and are too tired.

The fact that you won't leave the baby with him because you fear he would neglect him speaks volumes, don't you think?! Very worrying.

Chippychipsforme · 25/05/2019 07:53

Have you posted about this before? It sound very familiar.

Either way, he's an absolute dick. It doesn't sound like he's got any interest in your baby or making changes to his life. LTB.

ImNotNigel · 25/05/2019 08:00

Well the good news is that soon you will stop “loving him to bits “. In fact I predict that the scales will soon fall from your eyes and you will be able to leave him, because he’s a lazy self centred aresehole who doesn’t care for you or his own son.

There’s no “ family “ to split up. You are your “partner’s” unpaid nanny and housekeeper - there’s no partnership or teamwork.

How far away are your family ? Would they be supportive if you moved to live near them ? Could you get a job and a house there ?

ptumbi · 25/05/2019 08:05

Go back to where you have suppport. If that's 150 miles away, do it.

Walk away and don't look back.

You do know that everyone has complicated finances? And intertwined lives? No one can just up and leave - when there are kids and houses and businesses in the mix. But people DO! It CAN be done!

So look into it. Stop being his fucking skivvy. And stop being so disrespected by him. You run his business - he should be grateful to you! You are the mother of his child - you are a QUEEN!

Walk away. A Queen does not need to do someone else's shitwork for no thanks.

Peachesandcream14 · 25/05/2019 08:05

You could be describing my ex. I wish I'd left him earlier than I did

LoubyLou1234 · 25/05/2019 08:17

What was he like before babies? Did you work in the business then I'd ot shared? Did you have time to yourself and was the baby a joint decision?

Doesn't sound good tbh and doesn't sound like he has any plans to change either. Not sure why you are doing so much and him so little? Raising children can make or break many relationships but this is ridiculous. Both your child. A serious sit down chat is needed and if he won't engage you know your answer really, do you want this for your life for the foreseeable?

Eslteacher06 · 25/05/2019 08:30

Possibly..... Really think about what you want from him. Sit him down when you're both calm and explain how all this is impacting you emotionally. Because bringing a kid up on your own is bloody hard work!!!

Don't say what he's doing wrong, just say what is causing you to "struggle" (you are being a super mum btw!!!!). Use phrases like "I feel...." Rather than "You do this/you don't do that". Try to agree some time a day for yourself.

You also need to trust him to look after your kid....reaaaaaally hard and he won't do it exactly as you want, but he needs to find his own way. That's possibly why he isn't interested. (Surmising there)

If he doesn't respond to that then you're on a hiding to nothing I think. You're doing amazing! I genuinely don't know how I would cope without my partner's help.

itsnotallbbqsandshrimp · 25/05/2019 08:36

Leave the bastard. Seriously. You gain nothing from having him in your life. Tell him to crawl back under his rock.

Nanny0gg · 25/05/2019 09:04

So, you don't want to LTB. What do you want then? This is your life; he's never going to change. And if you're waiting for a miracle you'll have a lifetime of waiting.

Rocketgirl1 · 25/05/2019 09:07

Did he actually want a child?

What does he think fathers do?

Rocketgirl1 · 25/05/2019 09:08

He sounds like a pig. I wouldn’t stay with him for money or horses or anything.

CostanzaG · 25/05/2019 09:10

Of course dads look after their kids.....it's only the dickhead ones that don't.

EngagedAgain · 25/05/2019 09:21

Not rtft but, as a pp just said the good news is you will stop loving him to bits etc, which will then give you the impetus to do something about it.

romany4 · 25/05/2019 09:57

Dads don't look after their kids?
Oh yes they do!
I grew up in the 70s and my dad was very hands on with all the kids. Looked after us while mum worked in the evenings, took us out all the time alone. Your dp is talking utter Bollocks.
My DH was the same as my dad when our boys were small. Even carrying out ebf ds around in a sling while out with him which apparently wasn't very manly according to his mates. DH didn't give a shit.

Start putting your foot down because the next thing will be that he can't look after your ds because ds always wants you

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 25/05/2019 10:11

"Dads don't do that"

Yes they fucking do. This one does, anyhow. Tell him to grow up and put a bit of effort in.

Get bloody sick of blokes like this giving the rest of us a bad name tbqh.

notforonesecond · 25/05/2019 10:37

You’re not a family, you’re staff.

It’s up to you whether you’re willing to accept that for yourself and what, exactly, you think you’ll be teaching your child about relationships if you do

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