To ask for money for wedding gift?

[RUOKHUN]

Okay so, a few threads on here slating asking money for wedding gift on the invites. I get this; sometimes it’s worded rudely etc.

So how would you word it on the invite? People will bring gifts regardless so isn’t easier to be direct about not wanting ‘stuff’? I was thinking about saying how we want people there so gifts aren’t necessary but if you feel the need then a little something towards our savings would be nice?

It would be great to get a mumsnet approved message!

When we got married we made no mention of gifts at all. Some people got in touch to ask, and we said gifts were not necessary. All those people either gave us cheques or vouchers for B&Q or Argos. Others gave us gifts that they had chosen, and all are treasured. I really don't think that you should ask for money. It's rude to expect other people to finance your holiday/new house etc..

I've been to 6 weddings in the past year and a half and every single couple politely asked for no gifts but if we still wanted to give something, contributions towards their honeymoon would be very much appreciated. We gave differing amounts depending on what we could afford and how well we knew the couple. I didn't think it was grabby at all, we got lovely personalised thank you notes. I felt happy that I helped contribute to something that the couple would remember and cherish for the rest of their lives. I'd much rather do that than hand over some shite crockery that's going to stay in back of someone's cupboard.

Someone I know gave money as a gift and after the wedding they received a note from the couple asking if they would "increase their contribution to better reflect the expenses of the wedding."

@Rezie I think gift lists are rude too tbh.

The correct etiquette is to not mention any gifts at all, money or gift list or otherwise.

If people ask you directly, you say, "No gifts necessary" and they'll either default to cash, or buy you a gift which you graciously accept.

If they ask your parents or best man or bridesmaids instead, it would fine for them to say, "Hun is saving for a house and they'd appreciate a contribution towards that."

Yabu. It's grabby and crass. People will already have forked out on an outfit, transport, and possibly accommodation and childcare to attend your wedding. You want them to be there, but then you're asking them for cash? Gross. If they want to they'll give you cash. If not they'll give a card or something small. Don't be ungrateful.

Just be a bit careful about saying 'we want people there so gifts aren’t necessary' as a friend of mine did this (older so not needing anything really) and the majority of the guests turned up for the party, scoffed the (expensive) meal and didn't buy so much as a toast rack! I wouldn't have the nerve despite what the invite said, everyone knows how much weddings cost. I know it was technically their fault for saying it, but these were all friends and family - who would do that????

nicolamarlow 😲😲😲

I still have the cutlery and crockery from our wedding! Still being used too, not been stuck in a cupboard. Some things like towels and bedding obviously don't last as long, but were still appreciated.

Every wedding I've been to recently there has been no mention of gifts in the invite, and when asked, there is either a list or they'd like cash, I'm fine with that, but gifts should not be asked for on an invitation.

@Nicolamarlow1 Whaaaaaaaat?

You can use someone like Prezola, which allows you to have a gift list with cash or voucher options packaged tastefully, and you can also add a few gifts to keep any older folk happy.

Ijustwantoretire, I would do that. If they've said no gifts, and especially when they are clearly in a time of life where they don't need gifts to set up home or whatever, I would not bring a gift, and I would not expect them to be surprised by that. If people want gifts, why on earth would they say no gifts?

I’d have no problem giving money, rather they put it all together and bought something they actually wanted.

My feeling is, I wouldn’t actually want anything, receiving gifts has always made me feel a bit uncomfortable and most people have to shell out a significant amount to go to the average wedding anyway. But people feel obliged so I wouldn’t beat about the bush, would just say we really (and I’d probably underline that 😁) don’t want anything but your company. If you’re uncomfortable with that, a contribution towards x, y, z would be much appreciated.

If they say no gifts then no gifts is fine.

You’re not bringing a gift to ‘cover the cost’.

Just think about the mixed response to this thread, that's what you'll get from your guests. Many of them will think you're downright cheeky.

It really boils down to what’s acceptable in your cultural and social group. Enough people on here are ok with money requests that there are clearly groups where it is acceptable. Only you know if yours is one of them. I’m American and in my circle virtually everyone does a registry at one or two places, with gifts at a wide variety of price points, and people tend to buy engagement and bridal shower gifts from that and then give (a lot of) cash for the wedding itself. But either way gifts would NEVER be mentioned in a wedding invitation. A shower is usually thrown by the bridal party so they will occasionally include registry info with the invite but normally it’s word of mouth, or you can go online and find a couple’s registry info quite easily. Sometimes the registry will say “gift vouchers welcome” but that’s at the bottom of the gifts. We did get a few physical gifts that weren’t from the registry but they were from people who put a lot of thought into choosing them and we were very grateful.

I’ve also never been to a wedding where I was expected to pay for my own drinks. Open bar is just how it’s done. On the other hand bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own dresses, which I think most Brits would frown upon. There’s no objective “right” way to do things that fits everyone everywhere.

Someone I know gave money as a gift and after the wedding they received a note from the couple asking if they would "increase their contribution to better reflect the expenses of the wedding."

Isn’t this just the famous MN ‘cancel the cheque’ story? I wonder if your friend was the one who posted it!

I will add that DH and I lived together for years before getting married so we had what we needed but it was mostly a patchwork of IKEA and secondhand stuff from our relatives. It was so lovely to choose beautiful new things together and a decade later we still cherish our china, flatware, serving bowls/platters, cooking gadgets, linens, and all the rest, and for the most part I remember who gave us which things.

We've moved around a bit so didn't want any gifts that would get lost in moves etc. I remember my wedding invitation, we said "we ask for no presents, but if you want to you give something, we would appreciate a donation to x charity". A charity that supports people with a certain disease, of which I suffer from. We made a considerable amount too.

We still got the standard homeware gifts from a few elderly relatives, including the obligatory toaster, I gave some of those gifts (incl the toaster) to a couple of close friends who were struggling financially. We've still got some lovely cushion covers that DH great aunt got us though.

I prefer cash, much easier! That said I hate the cringe poems. I am from NZ and its definitely not frowned upon to give money.

Cariadne it may well be the 'cancel the cheque thread", I have posted about this in the past.

”the majority of the guests turned up for the party, scoffed the (expensive) meal and didn't buy so much as a toast rack! I wouldn't have the nerve despite what the invite said, everyone knows how much weddings cost.”

I don’t understand. What has the cost of the wedding got to do with it?

We were renovating a house and a load of our guests clubbed together (off their own back, we asked for no gifts) and paid for our kitchen tiles, grout, sink, taps etc via b&q vouchers. Our house is the ‘descend on for dinner when you’re having a shit day’ house and its a running joke that it’s a communal kitchen (I’m the only bugger that cooks in it mind) 😂

Something towards your savings?

Okkkaaaaaay

We have had poems saying money is wanted.
Personally I don't like it Ds tends to give vouchers.
Just be straight to the point and ask for money if that's what you want, ( the poems are so cringey)
At another wedding mother of bride left baskets for donations dotted round reception

I think that asking for a honeymoon contribution is more appropriate as that's more gift like. Asking for a contribution toward savings doesn't seem at all reasonable to me. It's like saying, give us money because we want your money. At least pretend it's for the honeymoon!