To ask for money for wedding gift?

[RUOKHUN]

Okay so, a few threads on here slating asking money for wedding gift on the invites. I get this; sometimes it’s worded rudely etc.

So how would you word it on the invite? People will bring gifts regardless so isn’t easier to be direct about not wanting ‘stuff’? I was thinking about saying how we want people there so gifts aren’t necessary but if you feel the need then a little something towards our savings would be nice?

It would be great to get a mumsnet approved message!

In the country I live there's no such thing as gifts. The couple pays everything (3 course meal, band, etc) and people give cash. Normally around €300 per couple. I find it perfectly normal as a wedding can cost up to €35000 for a really beautiful one.

Iv been to 4 weddings and had my own in the last 2 years and every single one including myself asked for money. No one has batted an eyelid, it's quite the done thing nowadays. No one wants a toaster in this day and age 🤷🏼‍♀️

Jesus give it a rest Hollow 🙄

I hate giving money as a gift and would never ask for specific gifts either.
I didnt have a gift list at my wedding.
I think someone giving you a gift is the gift and what is under the wrapping paper or inside the card is immaterial.
All this utilitarian bullshit about a gift we can use or not wanting 'stuff' is a bit selfish and sucks the joy out of it. Aunty Nin may have picked out that hideous ornament after a great deal of thought because she thinks you will love it, or because it reminded her if her own happy wedding, or because it expresses the emotion she is feeling.
Suck it up, smile and say thank you. Then put it in a cupboard til she comes to visit.
Hideous presents nake good stories. There was the flowery lederhosen a friend gave me for my newborn son. I still choke with laughter everytime i think about it. I passed them on to another friend when she was expecting. Like new, they were.

This is one of these situations where etiquette really needs to catch up with the realities of the modern world. People nowadays don’t need more ‘stuff’ that will invariably sit in the back of a cupboard for years until donated to a charity shop.

Why anyone would want to waste their money on something the recipient doesn’t want or need at the same time as saying a polite request for money is ‘crass’ I don’t know.

”Nobody's woken up on the wrong side of bed, just because they think asking for money is tacky and inappropriate.”

Indeed. I would think it tacky and inappropriate regardless of the time of day! It’s not an attitude, it’s an opinion!

I don't have a problem with giving money as a gift for weddings, I think it's become the norm now in my experience?

Definitely don't do a poem though. I like Hot Chocs message suggestion upthread.

Agree it's better if money is for something specific. How about asking for money for charity if you really don't want anything?

I think if you say no gifts but give no alternative, you'll get lots of people asking you what to do, or give gifts anyway. You can ask for money, but if people object they don't have to give it.

The point of a gift list is because people like to buy presents for these things/items that will be used, and the gift list is a way of actually getting someone something in their taste/avoiding 10 toasters or whatever. Obviously needs to be a range of prices from 5£-100£ or whatever but the option to spend the very minimum and not feel bad about it for those who have less to spend.

I hate hate hate money contributions! 1) I am not paying for someone’s wedding; have a wedding within your means 2) ditto honeymoon (just had to pay honeymoon contribution through gritted teeth for someone) and 3) likewise why am I funding your house purchase?! All to go to a bloody wedding (and the one I just went to didn’t even include a bloody high chair or a meal for my son who was invited fml).

All this utilitarian bullshit about a gift we can use or not wanting 'stuff' is a bit selfish and sucks the joy out of it.

I don’t think it’s selfish at all. I have a tiny house. I just don’t have the storage. So I’d give it to a charity shop. That doesn’t strike me as an optimal outcome.

A friend got married recently. She lives in a tiny rented apartment in New York. She got married recently and got two huge vases among other stuff. That to me is egotism and idiocy from the giver.

Hun its your wedding, and luckily mumsnetters aren't invited, haha! I don't know if its a generation thing, I'm in my early 30's and of all the weddings I've been to (probably 30?) I've only had two wedding gift lists, the rest have been money with a little poem, some saying what its for like honeymoon or whatever, others saying we have everything we need and so this is for our future as a married couple.
Truth is, if some strongly opinionated people don't want to give money they won't, they'll get you a present anyway, so win win I think. Defo say what you want, you can neeeeeever please everyone so dont get stressed about trying?
Good luck with everything, hope you have a fab wedding! X

I can’t fathom why anyone would be happy buying from a gift list but not contributing to a honeymoon. Why? Why not give people who you care about what they actually want?

Lots of people are missing the point that before the wedding gifts were intended to help b&g starting a life together. Someone got a kettle, someone microwave, someone bedding, someone glasses....
But couples usually live together before the wedding now so they have all that. Bringing a 20 or 50 in a nice card is better than bringing 20 or 50 quid worth of dustcatchers which will just sit on that shelf for ever and ever and ever.

So no. In my honest opinion it is not tacky to ask for money rather than stuff if you actually don't need the stuff. We had it on our wedding, all weddings bar 1 I have been to in last decade had it.

People at your wedding will be your family and friends so be open with them about it and they really shouldn't have a problem with it if they like you.

Enjoy your wedding!

I've given money as a gift. However only to those who ask it for a honeymoon contribution, or don't ask at all but I know it's cultural for them to receive money.

There was one person I refused to give money to and a few people around me were pissed off with as well as the couple asked for it for their savings. We knew they were in debt but using your wedding to get your guests to pay it off is a complete piss take.

You don't need gifts, so don't put anything in the invitation.

But couples usually live together before the wedding now so they have all that. Bringing a 20 or 50 in a nice card is better than bringing 20 or 50 quid worth of dustcatchers which will just sit on that shelf for ever and ever and ever.

Exactly. Our ideas of what’s polite need to move with the times.

And in a spirit of MN.
Think of the environment people! So much tat being bought and never used by b&g, because they didn't need it. All that just for the sake of gift giving.
Recyclable card is much better option since it's not sent out by post (extra polution) and you are bringing it by yourself.
Ha

Btw I still have my cards from my wedding nearly a decade ago and they still bring me joy once a year.

I always give money as a gift but would hate to be asked for it by any means. Poem or otherwise.. it's not the done thing at all here in ireland though.
It's mainly done through parents as all the aunties /relations ask them what the story is and the parents then say "well they have their house etc so cash is nearly easier.". Younger generation know they cash is the norm.

Look it’s just a very British concept of la politesse! 50£ in the form of a serving plate = lovely. Just 50£, naked money = vulgar.

All this utilitarian bullshit about a gift we can use or not wanting 'stuff' is a bit selfish and sucks the joy out of it.

I disagree; traditionally the gifts guests gave were to help the bride and groom set up their home. In 2019 the assumption is that most live together and have all their homewares in order, but most guests still want to give a gift. It's like tradition is more important than practicality when it comes to some people's wedding opinions. Why would you want to force unwanted stuff onto the people you love?

I always give money as a gift. I'm surprised when we get invited with gift registries in them these days as most people don't bother.

”I can’t fathom why anyone would be happy buying from a gift list but not contributing to a honeymoon. Why? Why not give people who you care about what they actually want?”

We do. Doesn’t mean we can’t have an opinion about the fact they asked for it though.

”In my honest opinion it is not tacky to ask for money rather than stuff if you actually don't need the stuff.”

If you don’t need the stuff, don’t ask for anything at all, or specify no gifts. There’s no need to actually ask for cash!

I personally think it's quite crass to ask for money.

If you are saving for a house deposit then put that on the invite on a separate piece of paper. A contribution to our house deposit would be welcome as we have no room to store gifts at the moment.

I'm not keen on being asked for money for eg honeymoon but asking for money for savings is beyond the cringiest thing I've ever heard.

I would say absolutely nothing about gifts at all.

Most people will give you money anyway.

Don't say anything.