Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To disagree with MIL over wedding ?! 🙈

117 replies

user1122 · 23/05/2019 19:12

So we are recently engaged but have been together for 14 years , have 2 kids and a mortgage, so we are planning the wedding for next year (contribution from my parents and hard saving ) so my MIL states that she hates when couples ask for money or travel vouchers for a honeymoon as wedding gifts , apparently no one likes being asked for money and it’s rude. We have lived together for a long time and don’t need towel bales and homely things , she hasn’t contributed at all towards the wedding and I stated as we are paying for it ourselves we couldn’t afford a honeymoon, also we never actually said we were going to do this she just has her knickers in a twist about it !!

OP posts:

fedup21 · 23/05/2019 19:15

I’m confused-she thinks you are going to do this, but you aren’t?

Just tell her you aren’t!

Justmuddlingalong · 23/05/2019 19:15

Are you going to do it?

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 19:15

We asked for contributions to an expensive item of furniture. Probably a bit tacky and I know some people wouldn’t dream of it (I actually heard an old man at a posh stately home complaining that someone asked for money and saying it was “bloody cheeky and they can have a tenner!”). It is becoming more common.

Thehop · 23/05/2019 19:16

I don’t mind being asked for money at all.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 23/05/2019 19:18

Think I’m just sleep deprived.... but what’s the issue?

She’s not contributing and you think she should be? Or her saying asking for money is tacky?

I think YABU in either case, as she doesn’t need to contribute and some people don’t like giving cash instead of gifts.

But it’s a minor issue really so just smile and wave and do what you want to anyway. Congratulations on your pending nuptials

InACheeseAndPickle · 23/05/2019 19:19

I think the poems asking for money are a bit cringey but I have no problem in giving a monetry gift for a wedding as long as it's made clear that it's genuinely OK not to give anything. I had friends who like you had had to save hard for their wedding and wouldn't be able to afford much of a honeymoon - I was glad to make a contribution towards it. Much better than a set of pots they don't have the space for.

AdaColeman · 23/05/2019 19:20

Since it's your wedding, you can do whatever you like.

cstaff · 23/05/2019 19:21

Money is a very easy option for most people. If your MIL doesn't like it she can buy you whatever she wants. Just make sure you get a receipt from her .

blackteasplease · 23/05/2019 19:23

I quite like requests for money gifts as it's easy!

LadyVox · 23/05/2019 19:23

She can pipe down! It’s much more common for our generation. I genuinely have not been to a single wedding in the last decade where they didn’t ask for money- and I would have no idea what to choose if there was a gift list! Would probably just end up sticking cash in an envelope!

GiveMeFiveMinutes · 23/05/2019 19:23

If you don't mention anything about a gift list, most people will give cash, in my experience.

Don't use one of those awful poems though.

foreverhanging · 23/05/2019 19:23

I actually don't mind the poems or requests. I'd rather give someone something they need or will use.

vincettenoir · 23/05/2019 19:24

Most people don’t mind being asked for money at all. In fact when an aunt asked what I wanted and I said I wanted a griddle pan and she told me she’d give me money instead (why did she ask then?). Depending on the demographic of your guests there will be a small percentage who feel the same way as your MIL about cash gifts. But you can’t please everyone so I wouldn’t try to.

Original poster

user1122 · 23/05/2019 19:25

We hadn’t even thought about it tbh until she brought it up , my point about her not contributing is aiming at the fact that she doesn’t get a say, what else do you ask for if u have lived together for years ?! I’d much rather give money or travel vouchers as it’s more useful than an unwanted gift but I think that’s a generation thing and I don’t want to upset people so not sure what option we have just tell people not to give us anything

OP posts:

Sindragosan · 23/05/2019 19:26

I believe the polite way around this is to put 'no gifts please' on the invitation, and majority of people will just give you money as they feel too embarrassed to go to a wedding and not give a gift.

Even with declaring 'no gifts' and telling people you mean it, will probably still receive a few towels etc.

I'm with your mil that it's bad form to ask for money.

Singlenotsingle · 23/05/2019 19:27

It's so much easier to give money. No trekking round the shops wondering what on Earth to buy - especially for the couple who've got everything! Tell her you don't mind what she decides.

vincettenoir · 23/05/2019 19:28

Also if they really didn’t want to give you money and chose to buy you a vase or something, then there’s nothing stopping them.

Foslady · 23/05/2019 19:29

Much prefer a request for cash/voucher, so much easier.

SilviaSalmon · 23/05/2019 19:31

I love it when people ask for money. They can get something they really want, and it avoids all the agony of deciding what to buy. Everyone’s happy.

PianoTuner567 · 23/05/2019 19:32

I’m old-fashioned so I think after 14 years and 2 kids (i.e. well-established household), you don’t get any gifts.

TheCraicDealer · 23/05/2019 19:33

It's becoming more and more common to do honeymoon contributions or asking for money- the only couples I know that have done a traditional gift list were evangelical Christians who were leaving their parents' houses and setting up home. Most couples live together before marriage so wtf are you going to put on a wedding list? Answer- pricey shite you wouldn't buy yourself.

How is it more polite shoving a list of overpriced things like Jo Malone diffusers or Vera Wang for Wedgewood picture frames under your guests' noses as opposed to pointing out that you have everything you need but contributions to a honeymoon would be gratefully received if they wished to give a gift? If you've made a gift list you know precisely how much the items cost to buy, so it's not like it's more discrete is it?

Wonkybanana · 23/05/2019 19:34

She says that asking for money is rude? Then tell her it's just as well that you're not asking isn't it, and you're just happy that people, including her, will be there to share your day.

Said with a happy smile even if your teeth are gritted. Then change the subject.

Lizzie48 · 23/05/2019 19:35

I wouldn’t have a problem with this at all, it’s much easier than the Argos/Debenhams wedding lists that used to be so popular. I don’t see why asking for money is more tacky than a wedding gift list really.

RuggerHug · 23/05/2019 19:37

Instead of travel vouchers suggest she's babysits while you go on a honeymoon

Justmuddlingalong · 23/05/2019 19:38

Dear MIL, thank you for your input. If we need any opinions you'll be the 1st person we'll ask. As it stands though, we already have the full quota of opinions on our wedding. The bride and groom's. 😁

Flip

1 2 3 4 5