To disagree with MIL over wedding ?! 🙈

[user1122]

So we are recently engaged but have been together for 14 years , have 2 kids and a mortgage, so we are planning the wedding for next year (contribution from my parents and hard saving ) so my MIL states that she hates when couples ask for money or travel vouchers for a honeymoon as wedding gifts , apparently no one likes being asked for money and it’s rude. We have lived together for a long time and don’t need towel bales and homely things , she hasn’t contributed at all towards the wedding and I stated as we are paying for it ourselves we couldn’t afford a honeymoon, also we never actually said we were going to do this she just has her knickers in a twist about it !!

Yanbu to disagree with your future Mil, people, adults, often disagree.

Personally, I find asking for money tacky, but then again, I also find the gift list included in the invitation tacky. But to each his own.

I don't like being asked for money as a wedding gift, especially for a honeymoon (holiday really). If you are already 'set up', why should people give you anything, money or otherwise? Especially if you've been together for years and have children, I don't think it's right to want anything from guests other than their presence to celebrate with you. Some people would still bring gifts or money but I wish these days, with most people living together before they get married, people didn't ask, or feel obliged to.

All the weddings I have been to recently have been gift and money free. Just being there to celebrate is deemed enough. I think particularly with people travelling more for weddings it's a bit cheeky to expect anything from the guests.

This is one of those things that are a complete non-issue. She can state whatever she likes, but if I were you, I just wouldn't engage. Just nod and smile.

She can hate all sorts of things: X Factor, Jeremy Corbyn, the colour brown, but it's wholly irrelevant to you day to day. Make this one of those things that's irrelevant. I know it's easy to be more sensitive around wedding things!

My friends got the balance right I think. They lived overseas (but from UK and wedding was here) so literally couldn't take lots of stuff back to their home.

They had an experience list. Basically we bought them all honeymoon experiences. Dinner at lovely restaurant, day cruise, day kayaking etc. It was lovely as you could go onto the website and chose something you'd like to give them. So it felt more personal than money, you knew it was something they wanted, and felt far less grabby and tacky than asking for cash.

But then I like a list. This felt similar.

Would that be an option to keep everyone (including you, most importantly) happy?

I had one of those tacky poems at wedding that basically said your presence is our gift ... you don’t need to give anything but if you want to then money would be great as we have been together for ages and have everything we need ... in terms of household items ... a couple of people didn’t gift anything ... almost did ... everyone still got a thank you card didn’t fuss me... she can just not give anything if she finds it that rude. You have given her two options ... I would have point blank told her we were one of those tacky couples there and then.🤪🤪 ( I have a mum who has a forceful personality ... she made me feel awful for spending out on a nice wedding band, which I paid for 🙄) x

I'm from Australia so perhaps things are a bit different but here it is very common to ask for money towards honeymoon or the like. Not considered rude at all, especially given majority of couples have lived together and have all the typical items you might have given as wedding present in the past.

I wrote a note with each invitation that basically said that we don't expect gifts (especially as many people travelled interstate and had hotel costs etc) but that if they did want to give something, contributions to our honeymoon would be gratefully received. Also acknowledged that if people had something particular they would prefer to gift, we would be honoured with whatever they chose. I think 90% or more gave money.

Isn't asking for money just the same as asking for gift vouchers?

I would much rather give money then buy a present. The way I know they'll spend it on something they need, and it saves me going to the shops.

Hate the tacky twee poems but really love it when people ask for money because it makes my life so much easier!

I don't think people need to actually ask for it as in most cases people will give money and then you get a few gifts thrown into the mix

Money is a voucher that is redeemable everywhere.

We got:

Travel 'visa' (that accumulated a fee of £2.5 a month until use, ended up worthless)
House of Fraser (endless admin to eventually use it)
Prezzo - still in the drawer because there's no branch near us
Food - redeemable at a number of restaurants, unfortunately not Prezzo!

I’d much rather give people money than look for a gift. Also for our wedding I specifically asked for no presents because we’d already been living together and decorated our house how we liked it. I didn’t want people buying random ‘stuff’ just because they didn’t want to turn up empty handed. Times have changed.

I hate the asking for money thing, it’s just against my values etc but obviously I’ve outlived my time. Don’t like mega expensive gift lists either, just a way of showing greed

Nothing remotely rude or greedy about Honeyfund/similar cash requests, IMO.

Let's face it, no one organises a wedding to make a profit 😂

FWIW, it's always nicest to read these requests when they come with a 'please don't feel like you have to/your presence is the most important thing' preface. What has anyone got to whinge about then? 😁

I work with a miserable woman who started ranting about wedding cash requests one day (totally unprompted) and I just thought to myself, if the bride and groom had made no mention of what they would like to receive as a gift, she'd instead be complaining about how 'she's not a mind reader' and would probably delight in giving them nothing 🙄

Nothing to do with your mil. It is none of your business that she doesn’t like the idea of asking for money or is embarrassed. She isn’t funding the wedding, you are. She is an adult. You are adults. I don’t think she has a leg to stand on unless she pays for the honeymoon herself.