To disagree with MIL over wedding ?! 🙈

[user1122]

So we are recently engaged but have been together for 14 years , have 2 kids and a mortgage, so we are planning the wedding for next year (contribution from my parents and hard saving ) so my MIL states that she hates when couples ask for money or travel vouchers for a honeymoon as wedding gifts , apparently no one likes being asked for money and it’s rude. We have lived together for a long time and don’t need towel bales and homely things , she hasn’t contributed at all towards the wedding and I stated as we are paying for it ourselves we couldn’t afford a honeymoon, also we never actually said we were going to do this she just has her knickers in a twist about it !!

Clearly you are thinking about doing this though, otherwise it wouldn't have hit a nerve!

I can cope with being asked for money, preferably not by naff poem though. Hate being asked to contribute to a honeymoon, it's just paying for someone's holiday!

I send a check no matter what's been asked for. It's never offended anyone.

After 14 years & 2 children together I don’t think you should ‘expect’ presents at all, if anyone asks just say politely ‘no presents please’, some people may give cash or vouchers, no doubt you will get a few vases & bottles of champagne & some will give nothing. But I think it would be very tacky to ask for cash or vouchers.

It is none of your MIL’s business but just tell her you are not expecting presents.

I always give money even if I haven’t been asked if s couple live together what else would you give them?

Don't ask your mil for cash.

Its not your MiL's business really.

I wouldn't consider going empty handed to a wedding whatever age the bride and groom. Its a celebration of a significant event in the couple's lives and its a privilege to be asked to share in that.

In general where couples have destination weddings with significant costs the invite comes with "no gifts please, your presence is the gift" or similar. If the cost of going to the wedding is too high then you send regrets, good wishes and you don't go; but its not something I'd feel resentful about as some PPs seem to.

I always give money unless there is something the couple particularly want. I'm more interested in them ending up with something they really would like and use than demonstrating my taste in vases.

"We have everything we need, yadayada. But if you absolutely insist, donations for our honeymoon would be fabulous."

"What a wonderful idea, here you go."

We didn't reference gifts at all on the posted invites and only a short paragraph on the designated "gift list" section of our wedding website (which was free and included airline/hotel details, taxi numbers and directions for guests travelling over). It didn't rhyme and just said we didn't expect presents but if they wanted to give anything we were saving to go on honeymoon, and any monetary gifts would be gratefully received and go towards that.

We still had calls from our respective mothers saying "People keep asking me about presents, what do I tell them?!". So just not mentioning it causes other problems. Like the expensive but not my taste painting we received from my boss.

Sorry but she's right. Its so tacky and grabby. After 14 years together it would make you look like a CF too.

I am old (60) and think it is tacky to have a wedding much less get gifts for what really is a party and holiday. By time 14 years and 2 kids have past, that isn't a wedding. Get married at a courthouse with your kids and parents if you wish.

So, OP. You’ve tested the waters. A lot of people agree with your mil. What are you going to do?

We did , we just did a little card that basically said please dont feel you have to , please dont feel you must , just your presence on the day would mean the world to us - or something to that affect , but again it depends on your guest etc , ee personally dont mind and prefer to give money or currency of their honeymoon destination ( just to make it a bit personal) x

If you've been together for 12 years with 2 kids, asking people to give you money is rather gauche and not very pleasant. Please don't ask other people to pay for your holiday. Have a cheaper wedding so you can afford a honeymoon.

We didn’t ask for money, it just felt a bit classless to do so. We got loads of money! I think our guests appreciated not being asked so were more generous than they usually would be.

Having said that I don’t mind if people ask me for money, saves me having to think about a gift, I do think it’s a bit tacky and grabby though

Oh and don’t do one of those dismal poems, they really are the height of cringe

Ah, the perennial gift issue! To be honest, most people seem to prefer being able to give cash, far less hassle. What you could do is use Zankyou or similar to set up a gift list but then just convert it into cash at the end.

Just say nowt.

Sorry, mummytobe-it’s still tacky.

Just tacky at a distance.

Yep, still tacky, and crass.

There is absolutely no need whatsoever to ASK for anything.

Most guests will give you money anyway.

And if great aunty Kitty gives you a frame or some towels, so what.

Yanbu. Your MIL thinks it's rude to ask for money, I think it's rude to poke your nose into other people's wedding arrangements, unless asked. I quite like giving money as it means I don't have to spend hours stressing about a present that's probably going to get shoved in a kitchen cupboard and forgotten about. I think a subtle "no gifts please" in the invite is fine if you feel awkward asking for cash. Some will give nothing, some will give cash or vouchers and some will ignore and buy a gift anyway.

@mummybto4 yep, still 'cringe'

I am younger and I think it's really tacky and vulgar, sorry. That includes via patchworkit, which is like putting a frilly cover on loo roll. It's still damn obvious what's underneath!

I’m with your MIL it is vulgar and tacky, to ask for money. especially to pay for a holiday,

Hehehe gold answers!
A wedding gift is to set up house! 😂

Is it still 1960? Couples generally are independent adults living out of their parents home before they marry and more often than not already living together and possibly have children. Times change....