To disagree with MIL over wedding ?! 🙈

[user1122]

So we are recently engaged but have been together for 14 years , have 2 kids and a mortgage, so we are planning the wedding for next year (contribution from my parents and hard saving ) so my MIL states that she hates when couples ask for money or travel vouchers for a honeymoon as wedding gifts , apparently no one likes being asked for money and it’s rude. We have lived together for a long time and don’t need towel bales and homely things , she hasn’t contributed at all towards the wedding and I stated as we are paying for it ourselves we couldn’t afford a honeymoon, also we never actually said we were going to do this she just has her knickers in a twist about it !!

I have no problem with people asking for money towards a honeymoon but I know that some people do. Mostly my elderly relatives when I’ve mentioned my friends have done this, so yes you’re right it’s probably a generational thing.

I'd rather give money, so the couple can get what they want and not just more 'junk' that they neither want or ask for.

well, it's sort of presumptious, but it's reasonable also, and much more common nowadays.

you might as well say why bother with a big shindig when you have already got the full family package. Many would put together a less grand function and not expect gifts at all. You'll still get them from a good few anyway.

You seem to have thought about it a lot for someone who hasn’t even thought about it!

I don't like being asked for money I'm afraid. If we are going to the wedding of a couple asking for money we give it, we don't make a point of buying a toaster or something, but I don't like it.

If it said no gifts I would buy John Lewis vouchers or something.

I don't understand the travel vouchers thing. Surely if you get a load of travel vouchers on or shortly before your wedding day it's going to be too late to use them to book a honeymoon? You'd have to use them to book a holiday at some other point?

And if you’re not going to do it and your mIl doesn’t think you should do it you’re not disagreeing with her, are you.

Friends used this patchworkit.com, I thought it was a lovely idea for asking for money towards their first home. They had a house picture with parts of the house on it and you could buy 'bricks' at a cheap price, their 'front door', 'chimney' etc. It was obviously not what you were actually purchasing, but it was nice to choose something. Might be worth considering if you wanted a gift list type approach but for contributions towards something.

I hate it when couples put those little money asking poems in with an invite. I think it's so tacky. I always give money regardless and I think most people do. I didn't ask for anything specifically when I got married and most people still gave money or vouchers, I think it's common sense if someone has lived together for a long time.

Well if you're not doing it there's no problem is there?

For what it's worth, I agree it's tacky. Best to not have any kind of gift list at all. People will likely give you cash or vouchers anyway.

We suggested guests donate to charity rather than buy us gifts because we both had our own homes and didn't need anything. We set up a charity gift list with two different charities.

No presents just your presence please? Or as you know we have everything we could possibly wish for however we are saving for holiday in x destination if you wish to contribute you can?

We asked for things for our garden which was anything from a plant to lanterns. Some people gave cash, some vouchers but those who wanted a tangible gift or had a tight budget could buy us something that was enjoyed and not "stuff" for the sake of it IYSWIM.

MN votes

I'd vote to give any gift be it money, gift or donation to any friend if mine at their wedding, it's more important that I'm supporting my friends causes whether that's theirs or a charity

Tell your MIL to just calm down and fuck off

her saying she hates it whne couples ask for travel vouchers/money sounds like a rather round about way of asking what you would like for a gift -as she presumably intends to give you one.
Not sure where the fact that she hasn't contributed comes into it - she's not in any way obliged to contribute, and she's not getting a 'say' in what you do she's just expressing her opinion.
As you've been together for so long and are clearly married in all but name, gifts are a bit redundant - most of my friends who get married after a long relationship just have a charity contribution box if people want to give something - as you say it's not as if you need toasters or towels etc.

There is no way of asking for lonely that does not sound tacky. Because it is tacky. Just say nothing.

We went to a wedding last year when they asked every guest to give them a favourite book. That was nice.

I agree with PianoTurner I don’t mean this harshly but after that much time and children, asking for a holiday is cheeky. But in this case you haven’t asked for anything so your Mil is being difficult.

If you are hoping for cash, don’t make a registry and see what happens. You will end up with a mix of physical and money gifts and should appreciate both.

She's just putting it out there that she would b e embarrassed if you asked people from her side of the family to give you money, which I think is fair enough tbh and you should respect her views.

It might be much more common to ask for money nowadays, but there's still a lot of people that can't get away from thinking it's rude and/or tacky, because for a long time, that has been the mainstream view.

Just don't ask for anything, people are likely to give money anyway if there isn't a list unless there's some random item they particularly want to give, and can be inclined to be more generous if they haven't been asked.

Didn’t ask or accept gifts OR cash for our wedding. It’s not like decades ago when people needed a helping hand to set up home. And cash is too much like begging IMO.

Yes, I don't like being asked for money. It invariably costs quite a bit to be a wedding guest these days so the gift is everyone attending and celebrating you for a whole day. If it's a couple who really need things for their new home together, great, I'll happily buy something (as was always the point of wedding gifts) but if you don't need anything, well...you don't need anything.

I did hear about a couple asking for anyone wanting to bring a gift to bring their favourite bottle of wine and like the book idea above, I think that's a nice thing to ask for when you don't need a toaster or bale of towels.

As the giver, I dint Iike it when it’s just cash as a gift. It lacks that personal touch and who on Earth is going to remember £50 3 years down the line??

So I’m happy to give money but I also want the opportunity to give something personal, even if it’s a little thing.

Shacked up for years, with kids? Tacky to ask for anything at all imho. Wedding presents are meant for setting up a home. If you want a honeymoon, go for a cheaper wedding. I cannot imagine asking people for cold hard cash just because I decided to get married. Bottle of wine or something , wouldn't expect anything else.

Asking for honeymoon contribution via cringy poem seems to the the norm these days.
I'm in the camp that if you've got everything you need, then you don't need anything, and don't ask for money.
We were invited to a family wedding where the very wealthy B&G, who go on multiple holidays abroad each year, still felt comfortable asking for honeymoon money as a gift. But hey ho!

Wouldn't a show of present be boring these days.

When we got married last year most people asked us before hand if there was anything specific we wanted / needed. We just kindly said no and if anyone wished to get us something we would appreciate money as we were saving for x, y and z home renovations. No one batted an eyelid at this

And in fairness I have always gifted money going to a wedding as a gift.