Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To disagree with MIL over wedding ?! 🙈

117 replies

user1122 · 23/05/2019 19:12

So we are recently engaged but have been together for 14 years , have 2 kids and a mortgage, so we are planning the wedding for next year (contribution from my parents and hard saving ) so my MIL states that she hates when couples ask for money or travel vouchers for a honeymoon as wedding gifts , apparently no one likes being asked for money and it’s rude. We have lived together for a long time and don’t need towel bales and homely things , she hasn’t contributed at all towards the wedding and I stated as we are paying for it ourselves we couldn’t afford a honeymoon, also we never actually said we were going to do this she just has her knickers in a twist about it !!

OP posts:
Afternoonteadelight · 23/05/2019 20:16

I don’t mind giving people money, it saves me the bother of having to shop for a gift.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/05/2019 20:20

I’m old-fashioned so I think after 14 years and 2 kids (i.e. well-established household), you don’t get any gifts.

I disagree. The gift is a celebration of the wedding. I would be happy to give one, just like I’d be happy to give a 60th birthday present.

Your MIL is being rude and interfering.

RavenLG · 23/05/2019 20:20

Money is fine.
I think most people put a “tacky” poem as it’s a softly softly approach rather. Either way I’m happy as it’s easy and I’d much rather know I’m helping with a decent honeymoon than lumbering then with a 4th toaster Grin

Crazycrazylady · 23/05/2019 20:21

I agree it's rather tacky and definitely not the done thing here in ireland but it's none of her business.
Having said that my mom would have killed me if I'd sent an invite with a money request to all her side of the family!

AhNowTed · 23/05/2019 20:21

OP

The solution is you don't ASK for anything. It's grabby, presumptuous and tacky.

The majority will give you money anyway.

And if the odd guest buys an actual gift so what.

bluerememberedhills · 23/05/2019 20:26

Oh I love the idea of a favourite book - ( as long as they have a house big enough with bookshelves. ) My brother asked for money - which we did - but ( and this is more me than him) I said tell me what you spent it on- Never heard . However I gave it to him & it was a present so I'm fine but it was meant to be "towards" something". Anyway - doesn't matter
In your circumstances @user1122 I would be happy to contribute what I could towards a honeymoon.

BlueRaincoat1 · 23/05/2019 20:27

People want to give gifts at weddings, and generally, as people attending the wedding are your friends and family, they want to get you something you would like.

We didn't mention gifts at all on the invite. We were asked several times what we would like, and we said nothing expected or required etc, but John Lewis vouchers would be lovely if they wanted to get a gift. We were mostly gifted vouchers and cash. So I don't think poems / notes are necessary - people will mostly ask or just give cash.

NaturalBornWoman · 23/05/2019 20:27

If you've been living together for 14 years and have 2 kids already you don't need gifts and quite honestly what's a 'honeymoon' about at this stage of your life, it's just a holiday. I'd be shocked if someone in your situation asked for money gifts; you've just decided to do the paperwork and throw a party. But since you aren't thinking of doing it that's all right.

Cheby · 23/05/2019 20:27

I like being asked for money. Makes everything easier. Plus it very much is the done/ expected thing in lots of countries and cultures. None of my friends have had a gift list. It’s pretty old fashioned these days.

I also think it’s pretty unpleasant when people bang on and on about how tacky it is when for plenty of cultures it’s the norm.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2019 20:32

Don't say anything about gifts at all. Given that you've been together for so long, if your guests do give a gift, it is likely to be money. Specifically asking for money is just crass.

Grainedmonkey · 23/05/2019 20:33

The gift is a celebration of the wedding

I disagree but appreciate that people have a different perception now. In my book a Wedding gift is for B&G to set up home.

scratchyfluffface · 23/05/2019 20:34

I don't understand the travel vouchers thing. Surely if you get a load of travel vouchers on or shortly before your wedding day it's going to be too late to use them to book a honeymoon? You'd have to use them to book a holiday at some other point?

Not necessarily, if you have paid for your honeymoon already, you can set a closing date and they will take the vouchers as payment. They then give the couple a refund to the same value.

Of course you could use them for another holiday

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/05/2019 20:35

Def no tacky money poem

But I have no problem giving money

Easier imo

Watchingthetelly · 23/05/2019 20:36

I'm surprised how many ppl here wouldn't expect to give money. I think it must be a cultural difference. I'm not in the UK and would always, always give cash at a wedding.

kaytee87 · 23/05/2019 20:37

@Watchingthetelly I always give cash too but asking for it is tacky. Actually I don't think gift lists should accompany an invitation to something at all.

Quantumphysics · 23/05/2019 20:38

Money is a great idea. Much less wasteful than items that may never get used!

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/05/2019 20:38

I hate being asked for money. I don't spend much on myself, so I'm always worried that what I give (£50 -£100) will be seen as being stingy.

Davespecifico · 23/05/2019 20:40

Ring her and say that you would be very happy to have a present from her rather than money. Give her lots of reassurance and listen to how she feels . Then continue on with your money plan for all the other guests.

Watchingthetelly · 23/05/2019 20:40

@kaytee87 agree with you on both points

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/05/2019 20:41

Just straight up ask for money.no rhymes,poems,or jaunty letters

Justmuddlingalong · 23/05/2019 20:42

🤔 Currently pondering proposing to DP to pay for next year's holiday prove my love for him.

flowery · 23/05/2019 20:43

”if you have paid for your honeymoon already, you can set a closing date and they will take the vouchers as payment. They then give the couple a refund to the same value.”

Ah ok. Although you wouldn’t know a budget so you’d have to choose a honeymoon you can afford yourself, or more or less.

EdtheBear · 23/05/2019 20:47

Maybe part of the issue is Wedding gifts are traditionally to help B&G set up home.

But I have no issue with somebody saying they want money to buy sofas, carpets, cooker, extensions but I'm a bitHmm at money for holidays.

I can't really explain why I feel that way. Money is money but it just doesn't sit right.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 23/05/2019 20:48

Some family if ours had a gift list with detailed things to buy for the honeymoon e.g two cocktails by the beach, a night in the hotel, a donkey ride, bungee jump (examples only Grin)

Then they took photos of themselves doing those things and sent them in thank you cards.

It was basically just cash for their honeymoon but it was done in such a lovely way.

ajandjjmum · 23/05/2019 20:58

My big gripe is how people send out the wedding gift/money request with the invitation. I just think that is SO rude.

If people then ask if you have a list, that's fine, politely state your preference. But to send out an invitation with the gift list or money request included is such bad manners. You should be inviting people to celebrate your big day, not automatically assuming you'll get a present.

Sorry OP - probably doesn't apply to you anyway.