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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children being driven by new, young driver

113 replies

Chloe1104 · 23/05/2019 14:10

Hi everyone, I'm in desperate need of some advice.

AIBU to feel that a new driver (literally just passed and 18 years old) should have at least a few months experience on the road as a new driver before having someone else's children (my children - a 7 year old and an 18 month old) in the car?

I should add that the new driver would have had no experience of driving with any other children in the car at any time (they also have no children of their own so my concerns for my children's safety might not be shared/understood).

I'm just thinking of the increased likelihood of crashes as a new driver - (either at fault or not at fault) - as someone who is likely to be more nervous/less confident than other drivers on the road (although I completely accept it can and does happen to anyone even experienced drivers) also being able to cope with any distractions from the children screaming/shouting in the car etc and generally just the difficulties of navigating today's busy roads as a new driver?

I should also add that by not being able to drive to pick them up/drop them back this wouldn't prevent contact taking place entirely as they are within walking distance for their contact which is how it has been prior to the new driver scenario and what I am proposing is just a cautionary step accounting for them being a new and young driver and is not something that is permanent.

If anyone doesn't think it's unreasonable, what time frame would you say would give them enough experience before they drive with young children in the car, I was thinking 4 months? I've had people advise 6 months.

I know there's no right or wrong answer as technically they have passed their test and therefore they are allowed to drive anyone, but I'm wondering as their mum surely my concerns for my children's safety should at least be addressed/with the opportunity to discuss it so we can agree between us? (Probably in mediation).

Thank you all in advance and I apologise for the long message Sad

OP posts:
Sirzy · 23/05/2019 14:12

So this is a parent of at least one of the children I assume?

If they have been deemed a good enough driver to have passed their test then will correct child restraints in the car then you can’t stop them from transporting a child

Cariadne · 23/05/2019 14:14

I think it would be reasonable to insist on a period of a few months, OP. Driving on your own is a different experience to driving with an instructor, and it’s understandable that you want to give this person time to get used to that.

Original poster
Chloe1104 · 23/05/2019 14:14

One last thing, I might be being unreasonable entirely, who knows! HmmSad

OP posts:
HJWT · 23/05/2019 14:15

Im confused? Who is the driver to YOUR kids? And why cant you say no to them being in that persons car?

ishouldbedoingsomework · 23/05/2019 14:19

I don't think I'd truest anyone to drive DC.
I remember my best friend's DDad driving us on the motorway very fast indeed when I was little. My DM was horrified when I told her.

Original poster
Chloe1104 · 23/05/2019 14:20

Thank you for your replies - the new driver is my ex partners new partner so he would be there in the car as a passenger also (he doesn't have a licence) he doesn't agree that any time to adjust as a new driver is needed so it's hard to know how we will ever come to an agreement about it without me just allowing them to be driven

OP posts:
Sirzy · 23/05/2019 14:22

Do you drive? If not if you ever pass your test would you leave your car on the drive every time you had the children for the first few months?

Nesssie · 23/05/2019 14:22

Shes more likely to be extra cautious having just passed her test and having children in the car.
YANBU to worry but YABU to stop her doing it.

If you put a time limit, where does it stop - 1 month, 2 months a year? Shes just as likely to have an accident the day after your imposed limit.

anothernotherone · 23/05/2019 14:26

You have a 7 year old and and 18 month old, and your children's father has an 18 year old "partner" who was 11 when his older child was born Shock

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2019 14:26

I dont think you can stop them. He is their parent as well as you. And if he is in the car with them he can deal with them so driver can concentrate on driving.

anothernotherone · 23/05/2019 14:28

Although on the driving issue I suppose if he passed his test he'd be a 30 year old (or however old) new driver and you couldn't stop him driving your children because they are also his.

Why can't he drive? Or is he banned?

Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 14:29

Oh god no. There is a reason why we buy our kids cheap cars when they pass!

I had so many bad experiences when I first passed.

Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 14:29

So he was seeing her when she was 17?

Christ sake.

strangeloop · 23/05/2019 14:30

I started driving again after about two decades of barely ever needing to drive. I had driven safely for many years before the break, but I took advanced driver training because I would be taking my and friends' children in the car with me and I wanted to make sure I was completely proficient.

Crashing is more likely in the period after you pass your test. You could ask her to take Passplus?

Pinkvoid · 23/05/2019 14:31

Is the issue age or the fact they’re a new driver? What do you think parents who pass their test after having children do exactly? Do you think they leave their children at home for a few months while they drive around to gain experience.

If they have passed their test they have been deemed fit to drive and are safe on the road. If your children are using the correct restraint they will be safe. I think your issue is who the driver is rather than anything else.

BIgBagofJelly · 23/05/2019 14:32

I didn't drive with the kids in the car until I'd had a lot more practise after passing my test. Obviously it's a case of risk. The risk is much much higher for a young, inexperienced driver. Traffic accidents pose one of the highest risks to life in a country like the UK so it's not negligible. That said it's a risk that's deemed acceptable by law so it's just a massive of what you deem to be acceptable -different people will have different levels of comfort.

BIgBagofJelly · 23/05/2019 14:33

What do you think parents who pass their test after having children do exactly? Do you think they leave their children at home for a few months while they drive around to gain experience.

Yes that's what I did! I'd managed without a car for the years before passing my test so continued to manage after passing it. A young driver is statistically more dangerous than an older one. Like I said it's a matter of personal comfort - the risk is higher with a new, young driver - whether or not the higher risk is acceptable to you depends on you.

Original poster
Chloe1104 · 23/05/2019 14:35

Thank you all for your replies - I do drive but it was about 12 years ago and before I had children (I'm 30 now) so I haven't had that experience but I definitely imagine I'd be terrified. Unfortunately my 30 year old ex partner started a relationship with a 17 now 18 year old (our baby was 7 months old when he left). He doesn't drive as do used to drive he does have a provisional licence and he had a motorbike for the last 2 years. He has also admitted quite openly to driving his girlfriend's car on several occasions (literally on a provisional having not having taken his theory or practical test) so he is not very responsible at all. I think imposing a time limit was because he would disagree but this would conversation and an agreement about it like in mediation because technically that's how we should make an agreement about the children responsibly? Ive just had alot of advice saying don't let them in the car whilst she's a new driver.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2019 14:36

But the OP cant just refuse to let her DCs in the car. Their Dad is with them. He is happy, its during his access time.

InDubiousBattle · 23/05/2019 14:37

My nephew drove my dc, including my newborn, a few of times when he had only fairly recently passed his test. Never, ever has a car been driven more carefully or road rules been so closely adhered to. My main issue was how nervous it made him. I don't drive but I'm looking good to learn, I will need to drive my dc more or less straight away (I suppose I will be old though).

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 23/05/2019 14:37

So at what point does she change from being a "new" driver to a "not-new" driver? Time? Mileage?

Zebrasinpyjamas · 23/05/2019 14:37

I think I would share your concerns but not sure how easy it would be to enforce if their father doesn't agree.

Mopani · 23/05/2019 14:38

I wouldn't be comfortable with this situation. When my eldest passed their test I didn't allow them to drive their much younger siblings (ages 8 and 10) for quite a while as I was worried they were such a new driver. It also depends on how responsible a person they are generally as well. Don't be bullied in to allowing this if you are not happy.

Witchend · 23/05/2019 14:40

I passed my test less than a week before dc3 was born. I drove the dc around once I'd passed.

milksoffagain · 23/05/2019 14:43

I always asked the mothers of my childrens' friends if it was ok for them to be driven by someone who had just passed their test as I would have had concerns myself so I get where you are coming from. I was surprised that some of them were surprised to be asked!