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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children being driven by new, young driver

113 replies

Chloe1104 · 23/05/2019 14:10

Hi everyone, I'm in desperate need of some advice.

AIBU to feel that a new driver (literally just passed and 18 years old) should have at least a few months experience on the road as a new driver before having someone else's children (my children - a 7 year old and an 18 month old) in the car?

I should add that the new driver would have had no experience of driving with any other children in the car at any time (they also have no children of their own so my concerns for my children's safety might not be shared/understood).

I'm just thinking of the increased likelihood of crashes as a new driver - (either at fault or not at fault) - as someone who is likely to be more nervous/less confident than other drivers on the road (although I completely accept it can and does happen to anyone even experienced drivers) also being able to cope with any distractions from the children screaming/shouting in the car etc and generally just the difficulties of navigating today's busy roads as a new driver?

I should also add that by not being able to drive to pick them up/drop them back this wouldn't prevent contact taking place entirely as they are within walking distance for their contact which is how it has been prior to the new driver scenario and what I am proposing is just a cautionary step accounting for them being a new and young driver and is not something that is permanent.

If anyone doesn't think it's unreasonable, what time frame would you say would give them enough experience before they drive with young children in the car, I was thinking 4 months? I've had people advise 6 months.

I know there's no right or wrong answer as technically they have passed their test and therefore they are allowed to drive anyone, but I'm wondering as their mum surely my concerns for my children's safety should at least be addressed/with the opportunity to discuss it so we can agree between us? (Probably in mediation).

Thank you all in advance and I apologise for the long message Sad

OP posts:
LuYu · 23/05/2019 14:44

YANBU.

I understand that parents who've just passed their test do drive their kids around, either through sheer necessity or because they're totally confident to do so (or both).

But it's challenging driving with kids. There's no aspect of the test where you practice negotiating heavy traffic while a toddler cries and cries and cries and another child is saying they're going to throw up and dry-heaving into their hands and now they want a drink.

Both driving lessons and tests are conducted in relatively calm, quiet circumstances, at least in terms of your passengers. DH learned to drive mid-thirties and found it a huge leap to go from 'and please turn left at the lights' to incessant wailing interspersed with the Frozen soundtrack.

One positive is that your exDP's partner won't be the only adult in the car, so he should take full responsibility for supervising the kids while she concentrates on the road. But I understand why this setup would concern you, even if there's legally nothing you can do.

bliminy · 23/05/2019 14:45

Where I live in the US new drivers under 21 (I think) are not allowed to drive any passengers who are under 18 unless they're their siblings. I believe that is the case for the first 9 months after passing their test.

So no, here I wouldn't allow it.

Nesssie · 23/05/2019 14:45

Mopani Its not a matter of 'allowing' it, if the father has contact time, it is up to him who drives them.

BIgBagofJelly · 23/05/2019 14:45

So at what point does she change from being a "new" driver to a "not-new" driver? Time? Mileage?

Both. Look at how the insurance premiums change as they're based entirely on the calculated risk.

nokidshere · 23/05/2019 14:46

It's a tough one really. When my sons passed I felt the same, I didn't want the older one driving the younger one the day after his test. But my younger one passed his at 17 (his brother was nearly 19), came home from the test, drove himself to school the same day, then started taking the neighbours child to school the next day.

I think it's a reasonable worry to have, even though mostly unfounded. And I do think, in this situation, your judgement might be clouded because of who she is. If their dad is in the car with them, he can watch them and stop them distracting her.

nwybhs · 23/05/2019 14:47

AIBU to feel that a new driver (literally just passed and 18 years old) should have at least a few months experience on the road as a new driver before having someone else's children (my children - a 7 year old and an 18 month old) in the car?

YABU

My DD passed her test at 17 and has been helping out with taking her siblings to and from school and activities ever since. She is a sensible young person. I think the temperament of the driver is a more important factor to consider

Chamomileteaplease · 23/05/2019 14:47

I really feel for you on this one. A new driver who is also young and who also doesn't have the emotional investment in her passengers that you have.

You ex partner by the way, sounds horrible in so many ways so congratulations on now being shot of him.

I have no idea if you can stop this situation, I doubt you can but I really don't envy you. I would continue to appeal to any tiny morsel of decency he has though.

HUZZAH212 · 23/05/2019 14:50

Well you could certainly mention it but nobody would actually enforce it.

nwybhs · 23/05/2019 14:50

There is a reason why we buy our kids cheap cars when they pass!

Eh? This may be what you do but it's not a standard is it?

My DD bought her own brand new car when she passed.

I had so many bad experiences when I first passed.

Again this is just you. Lots of people manage to pass and not have bad experiences.

horizontalis · 23/05/2019 14:50

I'd put my foot down and refuse point blank to let either of them be in a car with the children. She is too inexperienced, and he is untrustworthy.

Waterandlemonjuice · 23/05/2019 14:51

YANBU - there's a reason the insurance is sky high for 18 yos who have only just passed their test. I wouldn't let an 18yo drive my children if there was any way of avoiding it.

agirlhasnonameX · 23/05/2019 14:54

I'd say no if it was my kids OP, but he would probably just do it anyway and not sure how you'd be able to stop them.

nwybhs · 23/05/2019 14:55

there's a reason the insurance is sky high for 18 yos who have only just passed their test.

Indeed. Insurance works on risk. It's a shame for the sensible young drivers that they have to pay more due to dickhead young drivers. It doesn't mean all young drivers are dangerous.

I wouldn't let an 18yo drive my children if there was any way of avoiding it.

So if you have DC you won't let the sibling in the car with the elder?

BIgBagofJelly · 23/05/2019 14:55

Again this is just you. Lots of people manage to pass and not have bad experiences.

Yes but statistically they're at far greater risk of accidents. That is just fact and it's why insurance premiums are so high.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 23/05/2019 14:56

My driving instructor was happy for me to take my baby with me for lessons if absolutely necessary... Luckily it never was. The whole point of me learning was so I was not stranded in our very rural housing estate with a baby. I was 25, not 18, but in average teenagers are better learners than adults apparently.

BIgBagofJelly · 23/05/2019 14:56

@nwybhs

Sorry but insurance premiums aren't just high because they're young it's because they're inexperienced. I passed at 30 and my insurance was very high too.

Waterandlemonjuice · 23/05/2019 14:57

I didn't say that all young drivers are dangerous, that's clearly not true. But teenagers, 18 yos, can be risk takers. Many of them don't think ahead, many are easily distracted and statistically, yes, the risks are higher with young, new drivers.

nwybhs · 23/05/2019 14:57

Yes but statistically they're at far greater risk of accidents.

Of course. Which is why I said make the decision based on the person, not the age.

60secondfacetimer · 23/05/2019 14:58

Why would a 30 year old start a relationship with a 17 year old! I know it's worrisome but she maybe a good driver.

GruciusMalfoy · 23/05/2019 14:59

I can sort of see your point, because I do think there's often a difference in mentality between younger and older new drivers. And if she's allowed your ex to drive her car, I wouldn't trust that she's a completely sensible driver herself.

I've only been driving just over a year myself, so perhaps I'm a hypocrite, but I know I am a cautious and safe driver - and my kids were old enough to know when they needed to be quiet so I could concentrate better.

My instructor said something that stuck with me since in was learning, and it's that she knows I wouldn't take any risks with my kids in the back of the car. I wouldn't trust a very young new driver who I don't know well to have that mindset.

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 15:00

Grim. Unfortunately you can’t stop him. I would have the conversation and try anyway, though.

BertrandRussell · 23/05/2019 15:01

Reasonable or not, I’m not sure how you can stop it.

InACheeseAndPickle · 23/05/2019 15:03

Of course. Which is why I said make the decision based on the person, not the age.

But OP doesn't know the person so, like an insurance company, she can only judge on the facts available. And it doesn't matter who the person is they'll be less safe after just passing the test than after driving a while and having more experience of the road. This is true for all people.

Waterandlemonjuice · 23/05/2019 15:03

OP, my son attended one of these sessions.

www.safedrive.org.uk/

There are some stats on driver deaths and ages on their site.

When he was in 6th form the school had a policy of not allowing students to leave in other students cars (tough one to enforce but they tried, especially as cars were generally parked on school premises).

UCOinanOCG · 23/05/2019 15:04

My DD passed her test at 17 and a half and has always been an excellent driver. I would have trusted her with children in the car from day 1. If this young woman has passed her test and your ex is in the car with her and the DC then I don't think there is much you can do. She may be an excellent driver or she may not. Same could be said for older drivers too.