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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children being driven by new, young driver

113 replies

Chloe1104 · 23/05/2019 14:10

Hi everyone, I'm in desperate need of some advice.

AIBU to feel that a new driver (literally just passed and 18 years old) should have at least a few months experience on the road as a new driver before having someone else's children (my children - a 7 year old and an 18 month old) in the car?

I should add that the new driver would have had no experience of driving with any other children in the car at any time (they also have no children of their own so my concerns for my children's safety might not be shared/understood).

I'm just thinking of the increased likelihood of crashes as a new driver - (either at fault or not at fault) - as someone who is likely to be more nervous/less confident than other drivers on the road (although I completely accept it can and does happen to anyone even experienced drivers) also being able to cope with any distractions from the children screaming/shouting in the car etc and generally just the difficulties of navigating today's busy roads as a new driver?

I should also add that by not being able to drive to pick them up/drop them back this wouldn't prevent contact taking place entirely as they are within walking distance for their contact which is how it has been prior to the new driver scenario and what I am proposing is just a cautionary step accounting for them being a new and young driver and is not something that is permanent.

If anyone doesn't think it's unreasonable, what time frame would you say would give them enough experience before they drive with young children in the car, I was thinking 4 months? I've had people advise 6 months.

I know there's no right or wrong answer as technically they have passed their test and therefore they are allowed to drive anyone, but I'm wondering as their mum surely my concerns for my children's safety should at least be addressed/with the opportunity to discuss it so we can agree between us? (Probably in mediation).

Thank you all in advance and I apologise for the long message Sad

OP posts:
Qweenbee · 23/05/2019 15:04

Another who wouldn't let their older child take the younger one for a few months until they gained more experience.
When the younger one passes I'll also ask, but not be able to enforce, that she doesn't drive her older brother for a while- purely because I couldn't stand to lose both of them. Obviously one would be catastrophic as it is.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2019 15:05

As an aside to younger drivers being less safe ect, every year our local paper lists all those that have been caught drink driving from the beginning of Dec until the 2nd weekof Jan. The vast majority of those caught are above 30 and a mix of male/female. So it doesn't always follow that younger drivers take more risks.

Ariela · 23/05/2019 15:05

Given your ex is in the car to a) be extra pair of eyes and b) to tell the kids to shut up /behave as appropriate, then I'd not have a problem as IMO a newly qualified young driver has just been trained so knows all the latest laws and is VERY aware of the speed limit etc (you will find this once YOUR children start to drive they're hyper critical of your every move! Woe betide 1mph over speed limit or forgetting to indicate/turn indicator off!)
Also there heavily incentivised to keep their no claims bonus at that age - any mistake they can lose the licence and/or get their very, very expensive insurance heavily loaded.

nwybhs · 23/05/2019 15:06

Sorry but insurance premiums aren't just high because they're young it's because they're inexperienced. I passed at 30 and my insurance was very high too.

I know. I never said it was only young drivers who have high premiums.

Qweenbee · 23/05/2019 15:06

And a few months experience makes a big difference in the ability to anticipate and react to situations/other drivers.

Original poster
Chloe1104 · 23/05/2019 15:07

Thank you all for your replies - I am ashamed of the situation I have found myself in, my ex is someone I no longer know like a mental breakdown.. but I'm trying to do the right thing for the children. I think I need to discuss my concerns with him in mediation and see what he says - they should be able to help us come to an agreement especially if I'm in the wrong.

Just to add that my issue is not with the driver at all I've done everything as best I can, responsibly to adjust my children to the new situation as my oldest is very emotional (so they met new partner at the right time, I speak with them both at drop off etc to show we get along and had them both over to my house for our son's birthday tea amongst other things) we have just started mediation to sort out overnight stays as my daughter doesn't want to because she didn't have a good experience staying over with them both in the last few months so maybe they will help us resolve this also.

The horrible bit is that by refusing point blank that they are not allowed in the car, if he then does that against my wishes (that I've made clear and tried to discuss) I'd be inclined to prevent them going for contact if the car is there and then he would have to take steps to get the contact back again which would start with mediation so I'd rather discuss it in mediation first than prevent the contact (I'd rather not do this at all) assuming he genuinely wants to see the children then the driving wouldn't be an issue as up until she passes he has walked here and back (she lives locally) then I'm hoping the mediator could help us come to an agreement about driving?

OP posts:
InACheeseAndPickle · 23/05/2019 15:07

The problem with inexperienced drivers isn't just that they take risks it's that they have less experience and so are less able to react to other drivers driving badly and also react to unexpected events. For example my friend who had just passed her test got into an accident - an idiot drove right out in front of her on a main road (she was doing 30). She reacted by slamming on the breaks. Her dad who was in the car said she could have avoided the accident by swerving past the idiot. She agreed in hindsight but was inexperienced and didn't react perfectly in the moment. The accident was definitely the other driver's fault and all injuries luckily were healable but her lack of experience played a part.

I had a similar experience on the motorway. My Fil was driving and managed to avoid an accident in front of us. I know for a fact at the time had I been driving I wouldn't have reacted as well. I'm just less experienced - I've spent less time on motorways, I've never encountered a near accident before where as a more experienced driver will have.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 23/05/2019 15:07

I wouldn't want a new teenage driver driving my DC around.

And a 30 year old with a 17/18 year old is . I wouldn't want her to be part of my kids' lives at all, tbh.

MrsHormonal2019 · 23/05/2019 15:08

Well good thing my ex didn't have your attitude or I'd never have been able to go anywhere with my son whom I have custody of when I passed my test when he was 5 yrs old.

nwybhs · 23/05/2019 15:11

And it doesn't matter who the person is they'll be less safe after just passing the test than after driving a while and having more experience of the road. This is true for all people.

This isn't true of all people at all.

My DD is a more cautious and sensible driver at 17 than my 35 year old next door neighbour.

It should follow, but an arrogant dick will still drive like an arrogant dick 20 years after passing their test.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/05/2019 15:12

At the end of the day he isnt doing anything wrong or illegal. Neither would any authorities see this as endangering the children. You may not like it but the only way you can stop it is by withholding contact. That then puts you firmly in the wrong.

Namestheyareachangin · 23/05/2019 15:12

Urgh your partner makes me heave. A grown man with children taking up with a 17 year old girl? I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a massive creep.

For me it would depend how much of a stink you think he would kick up if you limited contact so the driving wasn't at issue (how you'd do that would depend on why she needs to drive them at all). If he'd make a legal issue of it/contact is court ordered already then you're kind of stuck. If you don't think he's that fussed then I'd be gently phsing him out of my children's lives as much as possible to be honest because he clearly has some very inappropriate attitudes to children (and zero impulse control). Doesn't sound like he'd be much of a loss.

nwybhs · 23/05/2019 15:13

I suppose this threat hits a nerve because I feel like my own DD is judged on her age alone and it isn't really fair. I had absolutely no problem letting her take her younger siblings from day one. In fact her 8 year old sister asked to go to McDonald's the day she got her car, a week after passing, and off they went.

The problem OP has isn't the driving, that's just a minor part of what seems to be a huge issue.

nwybhs · 23/05/2019 15:14

*thread

Knewyouwerewaiting · 23/05/2019 15:14

I wouldn’t be happy about that even if it is legal.

I was only thinking the other day of the risks I took when I first passed my test as a teenager eg misjudging when overtaking and having a few near misses.

Circe32 · 23/05/2019 15:15

I would be concerned that the new driver could be quite easily distracted by kids in the car making the usual noises - I know that I have in the past! I would recommend waiting until they're more confident, say 4-6 months. It might be worth factoring in the type of driving that would be required - 5 minutes through a village is a different ball game to an hour on the motorway. x

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 23/05/2019 15:15

She's likely to have a black box. In my experience, that makes a young driver very paranoid about driving safely, DS drives like an old lady because he wants to earn cashback on his policy.

Teddybear45 · 23/05/2019 15:17

If they passed their test recently they would have passed a test far stricter than more experienced drivers. The kids will be fine

InACheeseAndPickle · 23/05/2019 15:17

This isn't true of all people at all.

Yes it is. Your DD will be a better driver after 10 years of experience than she was the day she passed her test. She'll have more experience of the road. Being overly cautious is actually dangerous. That's not to say that some experienced drivers aren't so awful they're even worse than a sensible inexperienced drivers. I'd rather be driven by a sensible 18 year old than a reckless 40 year old who drives aggressively, speeds and drink drives.

pallisers · 23/05/2019 15:18

I wouldn't be happy at all with this. I think your plan of raising it in mediation is the best way forward. What is the situation with car seats/boosters? Do you trust them to use them correctly?

MrsHormonal2019 - were you 18 at the time you passed your test? It is the combination of youth and lack of experience that is worrying here.

(can't imagine how I would feel if my 18 year old was driving her 30 year old boyfriend and his 2 small children around)

snowdrop6 · 23/05/2019 15:18

I passed my test as a young mum..my first time alone behind wheel I had my daughter in the car..it was fine

AllFourOfThem · 23/05/2019 15:19

YANBU to be concerned about your children’s well-being and by all means bring it up in mediation. However, the journeys take place during their father’s access time and I don’t think you can force this condition on him.

pallisers · 23/05/2019 15:19

My DD is a more cautious and sensible driver at 17 than my 35 year old next door neighbour.

And when she is 35 she will be an even better driver. And the 35 year old is probably marginally better than he would have been if driving at 17.

Nesssie · 23/05/2019 15:20

Op, If the girlfriend was 30 years old and had just passed her driving test, what would your reaction be?

nwybhs · 23/05/2019 15:22

Yes it is. Your DD will be a better driver after 10 years of experience than she was the day she passed her test. She'll have more experience of the road.

My point was not that she wasn't gain experience but rather that the idiot driver will still be the idiot driver.

Being overly cautious is actually dangerous.

I am fully aware of that fact. But nobody said she was overly cautious. I said she was a more cautious driver than my 35 year old neighbour. Which is true. She goes round the corners on the correct side of the road. He doesn't. She isn't overly cautious, she is driving correctly. He isn't. His experience on the road has not made him a better driver. Whole point of my post. Not that my DD would not improve.