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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children being driven by new, young driver

113 replies

Chloe1104 · 23/05/2019 14:10

Hi everyone, I'm in desperate need of some advice.

AIBU to feel that a new driver (literally just passed and 18 years old) should have at least a few months experience on the road as a new driver before having someone else's children (my children - a 7 year old and an 18 month old) in the car?

I should add that the new driver would have had no experience of driving with any other children in the car at any time (they also have no children of their own so my concerns for my children's safety might not be shared/understood).

I'm just thinking of the increased likelihood of crashes as a new driver - (either at fault or not at fault) - as someone who is likely to be more nervous/less confident than other drivers on the road (although I completely accept it can and does happen to anyone even experienced drivers) also being able to cope with any distractions from the children screaming/shouting in the car etc and generally just the difficulties of navigating today's busy roads as a new driver?

I should also add that by not being able to drive to pick them up/drop them back this wouldn't prevent contact taking place entirely as they are within walking distance for their contact which is how it has been prior to the new driver scenario and what I am proposing is just a cautionary step accounting for them being a new and young driver and is not something that is permanent.

If anyone doesn't think it's unreasonable, what time frame would you say would give them enough experience before they drive with young children in the car, I was thinking 4 months? I've had people advise 6 months.

I know there's no right or wrong answer as technically they have passed their test and therefore they are allowed to drive anyone, but I'm wondering as their mum surely my concerns for my children's safety should at least be addressed/with the opportunity to discuss it so we can agree between us? (Probably in mediation).

Thank you all in advance and I apologise for the long message Sad

OP posts:
nwybhs · 23/05/2019 15:24

And when she is 35 she will be an even better driver.

Yes. She will be. I agree.

What I don't agree with is that it is standard for drivers to improve over time. Lots of twats on the roads are 20/30 year license holders.

LemonTT · 23/05/2019 15:25

Of course you are right to have concerns and a preference that they are driven by an experienced driver. But your latest post says it all really. What can you do about without it becoming a deal breaker in mediation.

Ultimately he is entitled to have contact with his children and you don’t have the right to limit that without good cause. His is not their parent at your discretion. Discuss it in mediation but hold fire on your ultimatum because that could backfire on you. You have a long way to go in coparenting and if you need to battle, pick your battles. Otherwise your children will have to be raised by warring parents and they don’t deserve that.

HiJuice · 23/05/2019 15:26

my friend who had just passed her test got into an accident - an idiot drove right out in front of her on a main road (she was doing 30). She reacted by slamming on the breaks. Her dad who was in the car said she could have avoided the accident by swerving past the idiot.

Swerving in an emergency is really dangerous and never advised. You could lose control of the car or someone could be coming the other way. Far safer just to stop.

OP - if she is a sensible girl, short local trips in the daytime where no one has been drinking, and children in car seats should be a good compromise. If she is reckless or the type to drink and drive or take risks it would be more of a worry

Shelbybear · 23/05/2019 15:27

If anything though when you pass you still drive like a learner for a while till u get more confident. Most cases you wouldn't be going fast enough in the car to cause casualties. Are they driving any roads faster than 40? I'd be a bit more concerned then but there's nothing you can do. They have been deemed fit to be in the road. Just make sure the car seats are decent and fit properly before they leave with the kids.

Goldmandra · 23/05/2019 15:27

You don't have any right to stop contact just because you don't like them being driven by a less experienced driver.

Her driving has been assessed as safe. That's plenty.

Yes, young drivers have more accidents because they show off and muck about with their mates. They think they're immortal.

However, this is a woman driving children, with the children's father in the car. You need to allow him to take responsibility for assessing this risk while they are in his care.

haloumi · 23/05/2019 15:31

Why? A person can have children at 16. They can drive a car at 17.

And YOU can give them permission to carry your children.... If you don't like it, don't let them drive your kids... otherwise.... you would be penalising young mothers or people who drove late in life, who can do ALL SORTS of other dangerous things!.… (like breed and have children)

NunoGoncalves · 23/05/2019 15:34

I probably wouldn't be very happy about it, but there's not much you can do if it's during his time with his children. It's his decision. You can tell him you'd rather he didn't, but he won't be breaking any laws or anything.

hmga90 · 23/05/2019 15:38

OP I mean this in the nicest way possible so please do not take it personally.

I am 23, my ex who I have recently split with is 38 so a bigger age gap than your ex and his new girlfriend. I’ll probably get Hmm for this but we were in love and aside from the constant bickering we had a perfectly normal relationship

I personally think your using this as an excuse to cover your dislike for her and it’s a roundabout way of attacking her- I may be wrong, but the mother of ex’s DD used to do it to me. I get it- it’s shit he’s left, and moving on with someone younger makes it that little bit worse. But if your ex is happy (and therefore happy for your D.C.) then that is what should matter.

My driving experience- I was a cautious driver at first, when I got used to driving alone that is when I turned into a cocky twat. Yes I did end up learning the hard way by writing a car off but there’s no way of saying if and when someone will have an accident.

Weathermonger · 23/05/2019 15:38

I have to agree with the OP on this one. I was 40 when I first got my licence, and to begin with I was a nervous driver at the best of times, having my kids in the car, even more so. Kids can definitely be a distraction. For me, it was several months before I finally relaxed enough to be comfortable behind the wheel.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 23/05/2019 15:39

haloumi just because something can legally happen doesn't always make it a good idea. Statistically young drivers have the most accidents, I believe - and certainly the most spectacular accidents.

InACheeseAndPickle · 23/05/2019 15:39

My point was not that she wasn't gain experience but rather that the idiot driver will still be the idiot driver.

Yes of course and in the examples I gave the driver was not at fault it was the idiot who pulled out in front of her who was at fault but being a more experienced driver does make you more likely to be able to take evasive action against idiots. (Still probably better to be inexperienced than the kind of moron who drives out into a main road).

A sensible, cautious but inexperienced driver will be unlikely to be the idiot themselves which is great but they're also less unlikely to be sufficiently skilled to avoid the idiots or notice the hazards that they haven't yet experienced.

I would still like to be able to avoid an accident even if it was an accident caused by someone else - so experience matters. My instructor basically said that 50% of what you learn isn't how to be a good driver yourself but how to respond to rubbish drivers.

pallisers · 23/05/2019 15:41

But if your ex is happy (and therefore happy for your D.C.) then that is what should matter.

yeah op. Your exes happiness is the most important thing here.

And I do love that hmga90 is telling the OP her concerns about a young driver aren't real but are a front for her dislike of the girlfrend - and then sharing that she herself drove like a cocky twat and wrote off a car :) I do hope your boyfriend's dd wasn't in the car at the time. But maybe if he was happy that would be fine too.

Hearthside · 23/05/2019 15:43

My DS early 20"s passed his test and brought his car near the end of last year .He has taken his DS's both under 12 in the car and i am more than happy .He is sensible , sticks to the speed limit and they both came back and said how much they liked going in the car with him .It is a personal decision on how you feel.

Ces6 · 23/05/2019 15:44

I turned into a cocky twat. Yes I did end up learning the hard way by writing a car off but there’s no way of saying if and when someone will have an accident.
Being a cocky twat and writing a car off. Yes there really is no way of saying if someone will have an accident. HmmHmmHmm

museumum · 23/05/2019 15:46

It's a really unusual situation that an 18 year old is driving with their 30 year old partner and their partner's children and those children are the ages yours are. I don't think you can compare it to a 'normal' 18 year old new driver who might be driving with friends socially or driving after antisocial shifts in retail/hospitality.

Because of this, I think you have to treat the situation as if she were a 30 year old new driver. In that situation how would you feel? Personally I would be nervous but accepting I think.

Original poster
Chloe1104 · 23/05/2019 15:49

Thank you all for your replies- I do think it's the new driver situation as opposed to her age that is worrying me - being a new driver at any age plus the distractions of children in the car must be difficult.
I think the age part only comes into it when combined with the person as an individual; how responsible/mature she is/how seriously she takes driving the car with children in it, the opposite of which might increase the likelihood of accidents but that risk is still there regardless I guess.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts - I have honestly only ever tried to facilitate the relationship between my ex, his new partner and our children even when that was hard for me personally in the beginning (it's absolutely not now) but it's always been about the children. My worry as a parent is just getting the better of me at the moment and I'm terrified of getting the worst case scenario phonecall..I hope other parents over worry or it's just me! I'm just wondering what I can do if anything to reduce the risk all I can think of is if she wasn't an inexperienced driver but I think that comes down to time on the road (not necessarily age but that obviously changes as time goes on) but maybe I just have to wait and see

OP posts:
fairweathercyclist · 23/05/2019 15:56

I wasn't a confident driver after I passed my test but a lot of people are. But if you are not confident you drive that much more carefully and avoid difficult situations until you are.

And statistically young women drivers are much safer than young men.

Jellybeansincognito · 23/05/2019 15:58

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this either, I would worry about speeding. Life changes a lot between being 18 and care free to having responsibility, the older you get the more you value your life.

Knewyouwerewaiting · 23/05/2019 16:05

I think the least you can do is express your concerns about this. I would feel like you.

I don’t know if you can do any more especially as your ex seems to be such an arse.

U2HasTheEdge · 23/05/2019 16:08

I learnt to drive when I was 32. I did take my children in the car when I was learning (but only when I was about to go in for my test).

I wouldn't be that comfortable with an 18 year old new driver driving my children though. However, your ex has the right to make the decision that his girlfriend can drive the children when it is his contact time. You don't have to like it but you don't really have a choice. Stopping contact over it would be pathetic and unfair on your children. I imagine she will be sensible driving with the children, but I do understand the worry.

Qweenbee · 23/05/2019 16:25

Someone said it depends on how sensible she is.

Does a 17 year old who goes out with a 30 year old married man with young children, sound that cautious to you?

CFAlert · 23/05/2019 17:08

I don't think YABU

I had similar in that it was my ex's oldest son from a previous relationship picking up and dropping off the child ex and I share together when she was three.

I was livid to see ex in the back with DD, with his 17yr old newly qualified driver son in the front with his other 12yr old DD.

It was probably done to annoy me, to try and generate conflict but I kept calm and sent a polite message saying whilst I wasn't fully comfortable with the situation, I recognise legally he was able to do this and just asked they were careful.

What more could I do?

As others have said... legally it's all above board. Sensible? Definitely not. At least not initially whilst the new driver is adjusting to driving on their own without an instructor or the safety net of maybe having dual controls.

It's not easy, but I found I had to just let it go. And if, a big if as hopefully nothing would happen... there was an accident, on the other parents shoulders it would rest.

EffYouSeeKaye · 23/05/2019 17:24

www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/learning-to-drive/graduated-driving-licences/

YANBU

This is an interesting article about the proposal for a graduated license for new drivers which places restrictions on the number and ages of passengers. The aim being to increase safety.

DesperadoDan · 23/05/2019 17:25

DD drove alone with DS from the day she passed, he has SN and was 7y at the time. Didn’t worry at all, DD had a black box fitted, she was a sensible girl. Think it depends on the new driver and how responsible you think they are.

Piehunter · 23/05/2019 17:41

I think her age is relevant as it likely means she has less experience with kids full stop, most 17 year olds are not driving their new partners kids about. For me it's different if they're your own (and I say that as a step mum with no bio children) and you have no choice but with plenty of choice it seems odd... Risk that doesn't need to be. And also, letting him drive her car illegally does prove a point in terms of her maturity!