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AIBU?

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Original poster

dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

598 replies

lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 21:56

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
Icandothisallday · 23/05/2019 18:00

I wouldn’t be able to get past the fact that he cares so little for me and his children that he would happily see us destitute potentially ( will of course be entirely for him what he ‘gives’ op) What kind of man does this 8 weeks before the wedding?

Where has op said this?

He hasnt even said prenup. OP has assumed. He hasnt said everything pre marriage wont be accessible.

And opbwaa quite happy being in the position of being potentially 'destitute' for years.

Treefloof · 23/05/2019 18:00

You are naive if you cant even contemplate that OP may also have an ulterior motive or be stretching the truth to make herself appear a victim in the situation
This is an online forum and there is no point making stuff like this up. None of us here know OP, none of us can help her irl.
She can "appear a victim" all she wants, it makes no difference here.

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 18:01

Icandothisallday

I don’t think the information is limited, really. It’s just that you insist on talking about the possibility that the OP is lying. Assuming everything she has said is about right, I see no reason she should sign the prenup other than self-preservation. Since that is the instinct you seem to be complaining about (marrying “for the money”) perhaps your recommendation ought to be different?

Icandothisallday · 23/05/2019 18:02

Yes she can appear a victim. But then all the advice in world, wont help her.

And people can think about the situation and variations on why it was it's not such a bad idea too.

Icandothisallday · 23/05/2019 18:04

herculepoirot2 od course ita limited. We have no idea what the assets are. How they have grown. Whether he is also a high earner as well. Or any discussions before hand.

Why she thinks he definitely meant prenup.

I am not assuming she is lying. I am simply putting forward other possibilities.

Why that seems to upset you so much, I don't know.

Icandothisallday · 23/05/2019 18:05

And I made a recommendation. That she looks at it, if that's what he meant, get legal advice and make sure it benefits her too.

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 18:12

Icandothisallday

No upset here. I just don’t think those points make it hard to judge what is happening.

Redwinestillfine · 23/05/2019 18:17

Hi along but don't be rail-roaded into signing there and then. Take a copy away. Read over it. Get your own separate legal advice. Ask questions. Only sign if after all that you are comfortable. If he loves you he will want you to be sure and won't mind you taking time to do this.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 23/05/2019 18:34

I know the OP is likely gone and I know this thread is full of intelligent advice, particularly from @ArchieHarrison but as someone who completely believes in the usefulness of prenups (and my DH and I have one as we were both divorcees when we met and my XH tried to take my flat from me) the circumstances in which this proposal has been forged stink.

This prenup is him being a fucking grip, pure and simple. He’s using disrespectful language to you and he is shifty. He knows this is borne of selfishness, it’s also borne of him potentially keeping his options open in the future to leave (“well you pushed to get married, not me love”) and he sees no value in all that you have done for him that can’t be monetised (SAHM, domestic affairs etc).

Personally this would be enough for me to not want to go through with the wedding. But you are in a pretty unique position so you need to negotiate his offer sharpish.

If he gets shitty - well, it’s just business, innit? Nobody signs a contract without negotiation and clarification - why should you?

KatieHack · 23/05/2019 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pallisers · 23/05/2019 19:52

Yeah, if it’s a short marriage she may not win the wedding lottery like she hopes. I wouldn’t advise any woman to quit work and live off a man. Always best to have your own income and self-respect. There is childcare out there.

I'm not really sure your own unfortunate choice of husband justifies you being so offensive to the OP and to SAHMs in general.

peardrops1 · 23/05/2019 20:03

As others have said, pre-nups aren't legally binding in UK. A court has the power to take them into account or to ignore them. I still wouldn't be keen on signing one though. What is it for? Marriage is about being a team. Why does he not want to share his money with you? You have 3 kids together FFS.

Motherof3feminists · 23/05/2019 21:13

Has the OP been back?

Xenia · 24/05/2019 07:03

Peardrops is right for English law, but they do have indicative force if -
you both have legal advice
they are not signed too close to the wedding
each side discloses all their income and assets
they are a reasonably fair deal to both parties

Northernsoulgirl45 · 24/05/2019 21:44

Taken me ages to work through this thread.
I hope you are less in the dark about your dps plans op.
I tbink that perhaps there are grounds for your dp ro ringfence any assets he had before you were together.
However anything after that time shoukd be50/50.
Good luck op

MsTSwift · 25/05/2019 07:21

Agree with pear drops that’s also my understanding of how pre nips work in England. . If a person was wealthy before you met and had kids from another relationship then I think reasonable to consider pre nup in this set up no way

Zilla1 · 25/05/2019 09:33

Perhaps the time for him to have ring fenced any assets he had before the relationship started would have been before they had three DCs, agreed for the OP to be a SAHM to those three DCs and while thirteen years elapse for any partnership assets to accrue in one partner's name (I presume though perhaps in error).

Let's hope when she sees the pre-nup, it only ring fences the assets brought to the relationship and not those accrued during the partnership and gives adequate provision for the family. What are the chances this is the case, I wonder?

stanski · 07/06/2019 22:29

OP how did it go?

Lellikelly26 · 07/06/2019 22:50

It’s a bit too close to the wedding to make a prenup now, that would limit its validity. A pre nup also has to be fair and provide for any children of the family and meet your needs. Get some good legal advice (he will have to pay for this if you can’t afford to) and make sure it’s fair for you. It does seem a bit mean on his part considering you e already had a long relationship and have had children, it would seem he doesn’t value your contribution to family life (which has allowed him to focus on work so much)

Trustthejourney · 01/12/2019 00:19

Did you ever marry him? I’ve just seen this and could talk from experience x

Lazypuppy · 01/12/2019 00:30

Sorry OP, way before you hit the 13 year mark you should have insisted on amrriage, ESPECIALLY as you gave up work for so many years.

You have put yourself in a very vulnerable position, and I don't understand why women do this.

I think he is completely sensible to protect what was his. Me and my partner have done the same. We've protected what we both had prior to marriage, everything after we are married is joint. Your situation is harder as it has been so many years, so you will need a solicitor to work out what contribution to his assets you have had.

Discussing finances like this should happen much earlier, and isn't a sign or how much he loves you, its him being practical

granadagirl · 01/12/2019 00:42

Omg, can’t believe I’ve just gone through pages and pages and got no conclusion!

Havaina · 01/12/2019 01:00

Zombie! I would hae married him to secure some things at least, like house etc.

user1481840227 · 01/12/2019 01:13

I can understand why you're upset, however I would imagine there are probably many women who married wealthy men who were financially screwed over afterwards with him hiding assets and the best team of solicitors to ensure she gets as little as possible, and who might have actually benefited had a pre-nup been in place, which was made at a time when he loved her and wasn't being a bitter old prick!

I'm not sure about the legalities of them but if the financial agreement seemed reasonable, I would want to make sure the amount was the same no matter what, I wouldn't personally agree to less money if you were the one who instigated divorce proceedings etc. but that's probably not legal is it? Just thinking here!

managedmis · 01/12/2019 01:37

God I remember this thread from a while back