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Original poster

I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

485 replies

aokchesh · 22/05/2019 10:25

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 22/05/2019 15:15

I would love to combine my name with DPs if/when we get married but he isn’t keen.
The only person in regards to yours and his surname that you need to check is happy with it is your DP as it will also be him who’ll have the name.
I can’t really see what there is to get upset about though. It seems odd and like an overreaction (the only thing I can think of is carrying on the current surnames down the line which will obviously be lost through the family line you create)

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 15:15

So it wouldn't work for you. Some have a good combination.

PatrickMerricksGoshawk · 22/05/2019 15:16

Intothe time to ‘fess up...you’re the OP’s mum, aren’t you? Grin

Intothe · 22/05/2019 15:16

This doesn't happen btw. This is entirely made up in your mind.

Funny things happen in my imagination.

You hardly think everyone is going to nod in admiration of this novel batshit notion, do you?

I couldn't give a shit. But I'd knock endless amounts of humour out of it.

Especially if grooms speech is along the lines of

'our new surname represents the combining of our two families, and the emergence of our own little family unit'.

Hee hee.

OP, can I get an invite? Me and your mother would get on great I think!

Intothe · 22/05/2019 15:17

It's not a strong reaction, I'm just mildly amused at the notion!

Scarlet for your Ma though! Grin

Switsy · 22/05/2019 15:18

I couldn't give a shit.

You clearly give loads of shits.

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 15:19

OP, can I get an invite? Me and your mother would get on great I think!

First realistic thing you've said. Not something to be particularly proud of but there you go.

I couldn't give a shit.

Clearly you do.

Switsy · 22/05/2019 15:19

Top tip: stop spending your life paralysed by fear of what other people are thinking about you. It's very liberating. And will be good for your nerves.

Intothe · 22/05/2019 15:21

Why would I give a shit? It's not my relatives!

I'm amused! Can't someone be amused anymore?

Intothe · 22/05/2019 15:22

The DM is trying to save the OP (and herself) the embarrassment.

mollpop · 22/05/2019 15:22

I think it's a bit batty and really twee. If it's what you both want though, just go for it. But be prepared for a few sniggers along the way.

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 15:23

I think you're confusing 'amused' with being a twat.

Intothe · 22/05/2019 15:25

I imagine when the groom announces this in his speech, there will be a loud guffaw from the ensembled crowd - thinking it's a joke.

Then a mortified silence when they realise it's serious..........

Intothe · 22/05/2019 15:25

I'm allowed to have a differing opinion to the sheep.

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 15:26

I doubt that.

user1471558750 · 22/05/2019 15:26

I did this 20 years ago - first part of husband's surname, last part of mine. I didn't like his surname, but adding to it made it more palatable. It actual makes a fairly run of the mill surname but with a slightly more unusual spelling.

We just did a statutory declaration, easy as anything and hey presto we both have the same new surname. It's never been a bother. If ever we get asked about the more unusual spelling we explain, and people have thought it lovely that we created a new name for our new life together.

His parents were a little disappointed initially I think, especially as the family name was quickly lost when his siblings all got married within a 2 year period and none kept the name. But they were polite and never told us.

MissB83 · 22/05/2019 15:28

My friends did this, I thought it was a great idea representing an equal partnership and their name sounds nice too. Better than double barrelling!

whitehalleve · 22/05/2019 15:28

Its nothing to do with them. Point that out and do want you both want to do.

Socksey · 22/05/2019 15:32

I should try this.... depending on how we did it I can have Crakin Grin or Craskin (an actual surname apparently)
I know someone who did it and the combination name is somewhere better than the two awful names they started with... crack on Grin

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 15:33

@user1471558750
I did this 20 years ago - first part of husband's surname, last part of mine.

We did the same. Had it nearly 13 years now, still love it.

Lweji · 22/05/2019 15:34

The after dinner conversation when DH gives his (...) speech, is going to be everyone coming up with hilarious combinations of their own surnames.

Sounds like fun. I'd run a contest for the best surname. They'd get the bouquet.

Lweji · 22/05/2019 15:37

Oh!
But which bit of surname goes first?!

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 15:39

But which bit of surname goes first?!

Whichever sounds best. The other way round ours would have sounded very odd.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/05/2019 15:39

That's a lovely idea OP, people get irrationally angry about such non issues, don't they?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/05/2019 15:41

But which bit of surname goes first?! In my case the bit that doesn't give you Mr & Mrs Fuck!!!!

Scarlet for your ma? Is that an insult, as in cos you is thick! ? Nice!