I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

[aokchesh]

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

Cringe

I’m your parents’ generation and think they’re being quite ridiculous, however, as the wedding is so close and this topic is obviously stressing you out I don’t think I’d say anything at the wedding or in the speeches, I’d wait and send everyone a note with your thank you cards after the event.

Scarlet for your ma?

It means I'm embarrassed for your mother

Also, I have two friends who have done with their names, but chosen completely new one, and the crowd’s reaction was like oh really, that’s nice, whose turn is it at the bar. Not like: COMEDY GUFFAWS as per your one up the thread suggests.

Scarlet for your Ma probably is a bit of an insult now that I think of it.

Scarlet = Bright red; embarrassed; beetroot.

For your Ma = on behalf of your mother.

Totally not the point, but I think this is one of those things you think is an amaaaaazing idea when you're getting married, then after 5 or 10 or 20 years of marriage (or divorce, if it happens sooner) you realise that actually you're still the person you always were, from the same family and 'stock', that perhaps life isn't all romance and roses and that perhaps your DH can be an arse sometimes (just like you), that it might be quite nice for your children to belong to generations of your family and DH's and not start with you and your DH, and that actually your made-up name is just too twee and sickly sweet for words.

Ahem. Not that this has hit a nerve or anything....

the crowd’s reaction was like oh really, that’s nice

Clearly we mix in different circles. Mercifully.

It means I'm embarrassed for your mother Yes... so it is an insult!

I did understand the meaning of the words (thanks for the very patient explanation) I suppose I was just wondering if you meant to say I am so thick my mother would be embarrassed. Apparently, you did!

Good grief, I'm nearly the same age as your parents and I don't expect women to take their husbands' name on marriage.
I've a friend who is in her late 60s and she's never changed her name either, despite having been married twice.
Ultimately the decision is up to you and your DP to agree. Anyone else's opinion is just that - an opinion.
FWIW the people I know who have double-barrelled (both gay and straight couples) have gone with each party keeping their original surname first and then adding their partners. Eg. Jane Smith married Julie Jones - Jane is now Jane Smith-Jones and Julie is now Julie Jones-Smith.

@Theclearing

Was the 'That's nice' a bit like this?

Hi OP, you can’t really blame it on their generation. I’m just ten years younger and it never crossed my mind to take my husband’s name.
My mother only changed her name because she had a posh double-barrel, impossible to spell maiden name and didn’t want to look like a snob.
Friends of my grandmother’s did what you’re planning and my granny just thought it was quite sensible.

@RiftGibbon

You're missing the point. They're all now going to be the Jonmiths.

Intothe I only read the first part but I did say Ultimately the decision is up to you and your DP to agree. Anyone else's opinion is just that - an opinion.
I realise it may have sounded as though I meant that she shouldn't change her name/take his name and should double-barrel.

If they want to be the Jonsmiths then that's fine. What anyone else thinks about it is irrelevant.

What anyone else thinks about it is irrelevant.

Depends what everyone else is thinking though.........

It's more of a cultural issue than a generational one. Sometimes easy to mix up!

I'd say it's more of a class issue than a cultural one.

Look OP, the majority here think it's a lovely, NAICE idea. That I'm amused, is irrelevant.

Knock yourself out!

But....... if your mother and his parents don't like the idea....... maybe you should ask yourself Why?

I'm trying to think of Cheryl

They could have become the Tweecol's

Then the Tweenandversin's

Then the Paytwees

Now she's just Cheryl though. Nothing twee about her now.

Or do it the other way round. I wouldn’t do this, it perpetuates the whole ‘woman automatically takes mans name ‘ mechanism. I’d change my name.

Shockingly I don’t think a man can automatically take his wife’s name. That’s a good point about not perpetuating that mechanism though!

It is quite simply none of their business.

Stick to your guns and make clear that the topic is not up for discussion, your decision is final whatever anyone else thinks.

It sounds to me like you float ideas in front of your family and ask for their opinions rather than presenting your own decision as a done deal. Don't. It is often a mistake.

When we were planning our wedding my DH had a tendency to open discussions on aspects of it with my parents. I warned him that it almost certainly wouldn't work but he went ahead at first as he had to learn by experience there.

With us it wasn't names that caused the issue, but the wedding gift list. Wedding gift lists weren't done in my parents day. They were horrified by the idea and insisted that neither they nor anyone else would use it. DH pretty quickly gave up trying to bring them round to the idea.

I simply told them that whilst people could do what they liked, as could they, this was our list and this was where it was held for anyone who did ask.

Everyone used the list. There was virtually nothing left from it. My parents used it too and bought two of the biggest items on it.

I suspect that your mother will not leave the room on the day over the name. She will look like an arse if she does. If she threatens it again then tell her that she will be welcome to do that if she wishes, you will not care and will be sticking by your decision.

It's going to be complicated though when going through customs.

So you have Audrey Bell on the birth cert.
Vincent Hend on the birth cert.

Then you have the Bellends on the Marriage Cert is it?

Or are they both Bell and Hend on the Marriage Cert?

Then you have to get a deed poll

So now you have Audrey Bellend and Vincent Bellend.

Apply for passport - usually birth and marriage certs required. Now you'll need to send deed poll in too?

Seems a little bit like too much work for me, apart from anything else.

Registering the baby Bellends. How does that work. You need to bring, birth, marriage, deed polls to register the birth?

Meh

Intothe everyone signs their birth names on their marriage certificate, even women who are then going to change to their husband’s name.

You then make a deed poll, and use that to apply for all your new documents. It’s really very simple.

It’s definitely not at all complicated when going through customs. Or are you in the habit of carrying your birth and marriage certificates, AND your passport, when travelling?

But....... if your mother and his parents don't like the idea....... maybe you should ask yourself Why?But....... if your mother and his parents don't like the idea....... maybe you should ask yourself Why?

Because they are a bit ignorant. Not the OP's problem.

It's going to be complicated though when going through customs.

Not at all. You go through with your passport.

Changing your name on your passport is incredibly easy.

None of us have ever had to carry or show birth certificates or deed polls.

I think you're looking for problems where there are none.

Next time you see your dm please hand over a new dummy. ...
No need to ttc anytime soon op.
You have a toddler already!!