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Original poster

I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

485 replies

aokchesh · 22/05/2019 10:25

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 23/05/2019 04:58

I am early 50s and know hardly anyone from my class in school who changed their name.

I also know several couples in their 20s who have combined surnames to create a new one, and three couples where the man took the woman's surname.

Your parents are weird.

Stop looking for affirmation from them.
It only encourages their bad behaviour.

floribunda18 · 23/05/2019 05:08

I know of two couples among our friends in their 40s, who combined their surnames, and neither are posh or amusing, and so it doesn't seem unusual to me.

Your parents need to get over themselves. If they bring it up just shut down the conversation. "This is something we have decided, we are adults and frankly, you have no say in it and it is none of your business, and that is the last we will say about the matter."

However, don't "announce" it at the wedding. If people ask what you will be called, tell them, and write it in your thank you cards.

FFSeverynameisused · 23/05/2019 06:03

not a fan of double barrelled names, it sounds really pretentious.

Creating a whole new name is even more so.

So I can totally see the parents POV

BertrandRussell · 23/05/2019 06:03

“I kept mine. It was a marriage not an adoption.”

This made me smile. Our cats have different last names even though they are litter mates because I took one for her first trip to the vet and dp took the other.......

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 23/05/2019 06:38

I mean, if they're paying for it, I kind of think they can voice their opinion.

This is why I don't take money from my parents. If you act like a child by taking their money, don't be surprised when they treat you like a child.

Hopeygoflightly · 23/05/2019 06:42

She won’t walk out, as she’ll know what an idiot this would make her look like. Wedding is the perfect place to announce this as its unusual.

User12879923378 · 23/05/2019 06:59

My mum, who literally taught me feminism, was astonishingly weird about me keeping my name. She pestered me about it for about two years after I got married. Feminism and work reputation aside, I genuinely really like my name and my husband's has a slight comedy element to it. Baffling. I had to be very firm with her about it in the end as it drove me nuts.

Snog · 23/05/2019 07:03

Change your name but don't talk about the change in your wedding speech

SpacePlusTime · 23/05/2019 07:51

*not a fan of double barrelled names, it sounds really pretentious.

Creating a whole new name is even more so.

So I can totally see the parents POV*

I’m sure some people’s view is this. But, without being rude, it’s not their name. It’s your choice. This is about choice!

Obviously to don’t want to upset your Mum. IMHO she is being a bit silly with her reaction, and she should be more respectful of your choice.

SpacePlusTime · 23/05/2019 07:55

Anyone mashing up their 2 surnames to make one, is going to be subjected to mockery and people taking the piss behind their back, all their lives. Never known anyone do this in real life.

My husband and I made up a new name and announced it at our wedding. I really hope they aren’t all laughing at us behind our backs.

RussianSpamBot · 23/05/2019 08:14

RussianSpamBot I’ve looked into this quite extensively as I’m getting married soon and the advice I saw re changing your passport/bank details etc. was something along the lines of:

- woman taking husband’s name: just need to show marriage certificate
- man taking wife’s name: probably needs deed poll
- one or both hyphenating: may need deed poll
- one or both taking a whole new name: probably needs deed poll

I think where some people get confused is that there isn’t really a central database where you can change your name everywhere, so even if you change your passport with no trouble then your bank might still be weird about it and want to see a deed poll. Of course there’s nothing to stop you using whatever name you want at work or on Facebook etc though!

In terms of pure practicalities I'd agree, but my point is there's no actual legal basis for any of this at all. You're talking about extra requirements from banks etc, rules they have made for themselves, rather than anything else. Women don't have more rights than men to their partner's names.

AlpacaPicnic · 23/05/2019 08:25

I knew of a couple who did this 20 years ago and thought it was a lovely idea then.
And another couple a few years back who nearly did, one was Phillips and the other was Moore and they were tempted to change to Phire which would have really suited them, they were very gothy!

AlwaysCheddar · 23/05/2019 08:28

I personally think it’s quite naff but your decision, not mine and not your mums.

Adversecamber22 · 23/05/2019 08:35

I kept my surname, 20 years ago when I got back from honeymoon as a suprise my workplace had changed my name on my office door to my husbands surname. They had to change it back :)

Do what you like, it does seem a bit off the wall to me but live and let live. As an aside my surname does actually end DH surname. He has a very rare ancient Anglo Saxon surname and I have a very short one.

I’m your parents generation and can confirm many of my friends kept their names.

TheRedBarrows · 23/05/2019 08:42

“Anyone mashing up their 2 surnames to make one, is going to be subjected to mockery and people taking the piss behind their back, all their lives. Never known anyone do this in real life.”

  1. I have no idea whether my colleagues and school gate friends have mashed up surnames or not, so am in no position to laugh, should I wish to.
  2. Which I wouldn’t
  3. Not everyone is so small-minded as to laugh at something just because they haven’t heard of it before.

Women wouldn’t wear trousers or ride bikes if they had been deterred by the small-of-thinking mocking them.

WhatisthisAbbyHatcherrubbish · 23/05/2019 08:45

Stand your ground, OP. If you set a precedent now of backing down when your parents throw tantrums, you're going to be in big trouble if you have their grandkids.

(Speaking from experience: I let my mother bulldoze me on a couple of things when I was in my twenties, and she's been hell from the moment I got pregnant with her grandchild, e.g. telling me I'd "have to" have a termination if there was a high chance of Down's Syndrome, telling me I couldn't have a second child, what age she'd "allow" me to send her grandchild to preschool or nursery. And screaming about "you just rubbish everything I say!" if I push back at all. Stand your ground!)

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 23/05/2019 08:47

In terms of pure practicalities I'd agree, but my point is there's no actual legal basis for any of this at all. You're talking about extra requirements from banks etc, rules they have made for themselves, rather than anything else. Women don't have more rights than men to their partner's names.

No disagreement from me here! I never said it was about rights or legalities, just about what would work from a practical point of view.

I think it’s bullshit that a man is likely to need a deed poll while a marriage certificate is usually enough for people to accept a woman’s name change, but I was just advising the OP of the most practical way.

WhatisthisAbbyHatcherrubbish · 23/05/2019 08:47

PS I've known couples who mashed up their surnames on marriage. They were all same-sex couples but no reason why heterosexual couples shouldn't do the same.

TheRedBarrows · 23/05/2019 08:57

“The only ones being nasty are the ones insulting and belittling people who don't think it's a good idea, by saying they are thick, and saying 'thank God there aren't many people like YOU around.' “

That’s because you are talking about laughing at people and judging them and sniggering behind their backs.

You don’t have to have heard if it being done. You don’t have to want to do it yourself. But given that it is someone’s personal choice that dies no harm whatsoever to anyone else, why would anyone snigger or judge?

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 23/05/2019 08:59

I’ve thought about combining my name with my fiancé’s. We’d end up with a very boring ordinary sounding surname like ‘Robson’ if we did this. It just didn’t feel right to me though because that sounds like someone else’s name entirely (I have a close friend with that surname which would make it extra weird)

I’m just taking his name as an extra surname (like Kim Kardashian West or Hilary Rodham Clinton) and any kids we have will have my maiden name as a middle name.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 23/05/2019 09:04

People aren’t going to laugh as most wont know. I have no idea if my colleagues have changed their surname never or many times and for friends I’ve met as adults the same is true. Some share a surname if they’re married, some don’t. Big whoop.

I think your reasoning is lovely and I can be a cynical bag.

RiversDisguise · 23/05/2019 09:13

Just a note. Whatever surname you have, it will save you a lot of potential hassle at airports later on if you, your husband and your kids all have the same one. Ditto obtakning visas for certain countries.

Musmerian · 23/05/2019 09:16

I’m 50s and if anything I think people have become more conservative. Many women don’t even seem to realise they have a choice. Don’t engage- do your thing. Think how annoying they’ll be if you have children. Set boundaries.

mumdebump · 23/05/2019 09:17

If your fiancé's family are ok with him changing his name, get him to change it before the wedding to the new combined name you both want, then after the wedding you can take his (new) surname thus keeping your traditionalist family happy. Smile

LivingOnAPear · 23/05/2019 09:30

We chose a new joint name when we got married and everyone was really supportive of at least didn’t say anything negative to our faces. They just left it to us. My husband even had women at work telling him how amazing he was for doing this rather than me taking his name. We were both raised by single mums so didn’t want to use our dad’s names.
I have friends in their 50s who got married 30 years ago and did the same. And of course loads of people double barrel or use both names.

It sounds like your mum is embarrassed by you combining your names and thinks it’s not the done thing. You obviously don’t have to persuade them to like it but it might help to tell them that lots of people do it these days. Also if she’s worried about what people might think she definitely won’t match out of the wedding.

Good luck hope all goes well and try not to let them get to you.