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Original poster

I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

485 replies

aokchesh · 22/05/2019 10:25

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

OP posts:
TurnItUpTurnItAround · 22/05/2019 20:05

Yep, because everyone wants to be just like you two

lisasimpsonssaxophone
OP has already said that the combo surname is a ‘normal’ surname, not some wacky made-up thing like Bellend. She said it was along the lines of Richardson.

Why would you laugh if someone’s surname was Richardson?! Confused

You wouldn't, but that doesn't go along with their story does it?

But they're so chilled and amused NOT

crazyasafox · 22/05/2019 20:06

This is totally normal..

It's really not.

crazyasafox · 22/05/2019 20:07

No-one in real life, mashes together their 2 surnames to make one.

Only in the parallel universe of mumsnet.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 22/05/2019 20:09

It is really not unusual. Plenty of people pick a new name, invent a name, double barrel etc etc

Calloway · 22/05/2019 20:09

To be honest I can think of people who'd have been much wiser to create a portmanteau surname than take their husband's name. A woman I vaguely know married a Mr Smellie, and took his surname as her own. Blows my mind that anyone would think 'Smellie, that's the name for me!'.

Shenanagins · 22/05/2019 20:09

Op i think that sounds lovely. Also asked my dh who is the most cynical unromantic person you could meet and he didn’t take the piss and thought it was ok.

RiversDisguise · 22/05/2019 20:20

I could be Mrs Gerbil or, I just realised, Mme Débile, which is French for Mrs Retard ...

Ffs why hadn't I heard of this practice 10 years ago?

sar302 · 22/05/2019 20:21

We actually tried to do this for various reasons, but because of our names, both combinations of surnames ended up rude...

So we hyphenated them - and there's a whole other thread going about that currently. People like to make a massive problem out of something that's nothing to do with them. Just do what feels right to you.

yy558 · 22/05/2019 20:30

How will they check?!

Just say you did. And all your legal stuff can be changed to your liking. It doesn't need their sign off

pallisers · 22/05/2019 20:42

I have friends who did this. They are in their 50s, architect and lawyer, kids are late teens now. put the two names together as that worked.
No one was bothered. My doctor's husband took her name - no double-barrelling just the wife's name similar age. no one batted an eye. The couple who were the plaintiffs in the case that recognised same sex marriage in Massachusetts (Goodridge) picked the name from a family tree so they would have a shared name.

I don't think I know anyone in real life who would be shocked or feel the need to snicker at this or think people were making a holy show of themselves.

If it were my parents creating this fuss, I'd just stop talking about it to them. you don't need their support just do what you want.

bluebluezoo · 22/05/2019 21:15

IA woman I vaguely know married a Mr Smellie, and took his surname as her own. Blows my mind that anyone would think 'Smellie, that's the name for me!'*

Come on, everyone knows there’s a glitch in the universe where mens surnames are always nicer, and easier to spell.

Dread to think what her maiden name was. And her poor brothers wife!

RussianSpamBot · 22/05/2019 21:38

Few pages back now, but legally there's nothing whatsoever to prevent a husband taking his wife's name, and there are no more legal requirements than there are for a woman changing hers. That is, none. You can call yourself whatever you want, as long as it isn't for the purposes of deception. No statute requires a deed poll or marriage certificate.

Unfortunately, people and institutions like making shit up when it comes to stuff like this. It's custom and computer says no rather than actual law though.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 22/05/2019 22:38

RussianSpamBot I’ve looked into this quite extensively as I’m getting married soon and the advice I saw re changing your passport/bank details etc. was something along the lines of:

  • woman taking husband’s name: just need to show marriage certificate
  • man taking wife’s name: probably needs deed poll
  • one or both hyphenating: may need deed poll
  • one or both taking a whole new name: probably needs deed poll

I think where some people get confused is that there isn’t really a central database where you can change your name everywhere, so even if you change your passport with no trouble then your bank might still be weird about it and want to see a deed poll. Of course there’s nothing to stop you using whatever name you want at work or on Facebook etc though!

Ohyesiam · 22/05/2019 22:47

Good job it’s got absolutely nothing to do with them then.

You are not a child, do what you want with your name.
Your mother is an adult too and should know better than to threaten to flounce in public If she doesn’t get her own way.

Honestly op. Don’t pander to it.

BringItIn · 23/05/2019 00:05

Some very odd reactions from people who claim everyone will be sniggering and embarrassed for the OP. Must be an oddly sheltered life to think something so prosaic as a new surname will cause such hilarity and mortification!

Intothe · 23/05/2019 00:26

Makes their wool itch.

Grin
RiversDisguise · 23/05/2019 00:32

Tbh it IS one of those Mumsnetland things, though. I work and move in very woke circles and I don't recall having heard of this.

Intothe · 23/05/2019 00:36

Yes, I've never heard of it before either.

It's like something you'd see on a now discontinued talk/argue show.

'I EVEN TOOK HALF OF YOUR NAME!'

'YE WELL I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY OWN NAME!!!'

Calloway · 23/05/2019 00:43

weirdo

Rache49 · 23/05/2019 03:25

You are adults and should just go for it. Why did you mention it in the first place? It's not like you are asking your Mum's permission or are you.
Had you not said anything you would not be stressing about it now! Save the big announcement till after the wedding if you indeed you really need to.

5377key · 23/05/2019 03:34

Do they realize if you went the "traditional " that "their" family name would be gone entirely anyway? What is their problem with this ?!

echt · 23/05/2019 03:58

I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation

I'm mid-60s and none of my contemporaries, e.g. similar age and educational background, has changed their name to their husband's.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/05/2019 04:01

I got married nearly forty years ago and we kept both our names, not hyphenated, just two surnames. It was very unusual in those days for a woman not to just take her husband's name. We had good reasons for doing so but anyway it was no-one else's business but ours.

DH's family don't acknowledge it and still write Christmas cards to his old name. A lot of DH's friends still use his old name.

Fortunately most people are not ignorant sexist dicks.

Durgasarrow · 23/05/2019 04:45

Parents gotta calm down--you aren't starting a meth lab, you're getting married ffs!

Trebla · 23/05/2019 04:52

I kept mine. It was a marriage not an adoption. None of their business. Don't let their petulance control your behaviour.