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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How many times a week- really?

124 replies

thiscantlast4ever · 21/05/2019 14:32

I’m sorry to bring up the age old question but I’m under a lot of pressure to ‘put out’ and I just don’t feel like it! I have 3 kids and I’m tired. Does this make me selfish? I know I should want to but all I really want is a good night sleep DH gets so stroppy about it and suggests I see a doctor! I can’t be the only one and I refuse to believe I need medical assistance. Causing such an atmosphere- does anyone else have this issue? Sorry if this is too personal 😞

OP posts:

Benes · 21/05/2019 14:36

You shouldn't be put under pressure by anyone BUT for some people sex is really important in a relationship....it doesn't excuse his stroppiness though.

Can you sit down and discuss together why you aren't having sex and if there is anything that can be done to change the situation so everyone is happy?

Upuntilrecently · 21/05/2019 14:40

I hear where you're coming from I could easily give up sex forever I think but I have a husband like yours. He genuinely sees it as a time for us to feel close rather than him getting his end away so I do think its important to make the effort sometimes even if you dont feel like it at first. Often once you start you get into it. I really do have to make the effort though so I do get what you mean. I feel shattered!

Upuntilrecently · 21/05/2019 14:42

Also I had a blood test recently which showed I was really low in folic acid and vitamin D. That makes you feel even more tired so he may not be wrong in getting you to see the GP just to get your bloods done

OutInTheCountry · 21/05/2019 14:42

How often do you have sex? Is it that he wants to have more sex or that he wants to have sex at all that's the problem?

tisonlymeagain · 21/05/2019 14:43

When my kids were young once or twice a month was all I could manage. Now they are much older it's more like 4-5 times a week, sometimes more New partner though, I think that's changed things.

Magicmonster · 21/05/2019 14:44

about one every 3 weeks at the moment. Like you I have young children and just want to be left to have a few moments of peace / sleep at the end of the day!

Teddybear45 · 21/05/2019 14:46

DH and I used to have sex every other day until I fell pregnant 12 weeks ago. Since then we haven’t done it once. He has totally understood and hasn’t tried to pressure me in any way though when he asked the midwife if it was normal she seemed to think I should try it even if I didn’t feel in the mood.

NameChangeNugget · 21/05/2019 14:47

I think it works both ways. I love sex and see it as more important than DH does within a relationship.

You should never feel pressured though.

Is it that he wants to have more sex or that he wants to have sex at all that's the problem?

I agree. Difference from wanting to go from three times a week to five as opposed to none at all, which is completely different

Arrowfanatic · 21/05/2019 14:48

I've had this conversation with my husband eleventy billion times. I'm like you, 3 young kids and DH works long shifts so i often parent alone all day and all night.

Dh loves me, and wants to have sex for that intimacy & he was gettinh really stroppy when he cant. I have health issues that can make sex painful for me so i wasnt exactly eager. But i love my husband dearly & we agreed tentaively for twice a week. Alas my health got worse recently & so its been about a month & my dh has been so understanding but i can see he's frustrated sexually right now and so i do feel guilty.

For me the worst bit was that my dh would sulk, as if that makes me think "oh yes, I've changed my mind now. Sulking is so sexy"

Ellabella989 · 21/05/2019 14:50

3 or 4 times a week. They are usually just quickies though as we enjoy 10 mins of passion instead of long drawn out foreplay

MummyStruggles · 21/05/2019 14:50

It's hard for us to fit it in regularly. Day to day life is so hectic with DC, activities, housework, working full time etc. After all of this, we are so tired and exhausted, all we want to do is fall into bed and sleep.

I do still fancy the pants of DH but it's sometimes very hard to find the energy after a long day.

LastChanceFinalOffer · 21/05/2019 14:54

I don't see how knowing how often other people have sex is going to help you.

You decide what is 'normal' for you. Tell your DH being passive aggressive is not a turn on.

frenchonion · 21/05/2019 14:58

Sex sulking killed my marriage dead. It made me hate him in the end, so even if I was ragingly horny I wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole after the abusive pressure he put me under.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 21/05/2019 14:58

There's nothing less likely to make me want sex than being pestered. That shit needs to stop immediately.

DH and I can vary from a few times a week to nothing for a few weeks depending on mood, tiredness, business and the rest of life getting in the way.

If his mood genuinely depends on him being able to have sex whenever he wants it, he's the one who needs to see a GP.

Jossina · 21/05/2019 15:00

Is he doing any of the work with the kids and the household?

Bluerussian · 21/05/2019 15:00

You are not selfish and should not be put under pressure.

Lweji · 21/05/2019 15:02

We need more info.

You could be tired because you are anemic, for example.

Or you could be tired because he doesn't do his bit at home and you don't get proper sleep.

Or you are lacking intimacy in your relationship.

Lweji · 21/05/2019 15:03

Pestering is also a huge turnoff, I fully agree.

Lovemusic33 · 21/05/2019 15:10

Depends on the age of your kids, if you work, if your healthy etc..etc..

I know when my kids were little (before starting school) I couldn’t think of anything worse than having sex, when I went to bed I wanted to sleep. Now they are older it’s a different story. I’m also healthier now, not overweight and eating good food, I only work part time so I’m not totally exhausted at the end of the day.

Notabedofroses · 21/05/2019 15:14

3 weeks or so, sometimes longer. Pestering is a huge turn off. Dh also knackered, so we need our sleep. Why isn't he more tired? Are you doing everything and he is not pulling his weight??

mrsm43s · 21/05/2019 15:17

It really does depend on how often you are doing it.

If you're doing it one or twice weekly, but he wants it twice daily, then he's being unreasonable.

If you are having it monthly or less and he's suggesting trying for weekly, then I think its reasonable to look into whether there is a medical issue as to why your sex drive is so low. Equally, you may want to consider other issues why its low - poor work/life balance, lack of support, unhappiness etc etc.

cheeseypuff · 21/05/2019 15:21

Every few weeks is probably the case for most people with young kids I think!
Sometimes it's more often - if we're away without the kids, or on holiday or something, but too often day to day life gets in the way & we end up falling into bed exhausted and just wanting to go to sleep!

I think the true measure is if you're happy with the amount you're having (or if not that you both think you'd like to do it more but just don't get the chance) Nobody should be pressured into feeling that they have to "put out" though just to stop their partner from sulking. Have you talked it through when you're not in bed & the atmosphere is less tense?

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 21/05/2019 15:22

I could quite easily never bother with sex again.

However DP always strops if I turn him down so I do it for a quiet life and usually find I enjoy it once I get going.

BogglesGoggles · 21/05/2019 15:23

Is it possible that the tiredness is due to something other than the kids. It’s normal not to eantsex when tired but it’s not normal to be that tired all the time. When you have kids it’s really easy to disregard the tiredness as a potential symptom of a medical problem. I did. I eventually went to see a doctor when I started feeling so tired I could barely understand what was going on. Turns out I had iron deficiency. May be worth a blood test just in case.

BogglesGoggles · 21/05/2019 15:25

I did still have a lot of sex though-but that’s because my default mode is sex crazed lunatic. My DH on the other hand starts spending stupid amounts of money when tired. I think if your default is not horniness this is quite normal.

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