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AIBU?

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Original poster

How many times a week- really?

124 replies

thiscantlast4ever · 21/05/2019 14:32

I’m sorry to bring up the age old question but I’m under a lot of pressure to ‘put out’ and I just don’t feel like it! I have 3 kids and I’m tired. Does this make me selfish? I know I should want to but all I really want is a good night sleep DH gets so stroppy about it and suggests I see a doctor! I can’t be the only one and I refuse to believe I need medical assistance. Causing such an atmosphere- does anyone else have this issue? Sorry if this is too personal 😞

OP posts:
Bravelurker · 21/05/2019 15:28

I have just recently come back from a sunny holiday with a straight couple (late 20's, no children) and a gay male couple (30's and 40's, oldest has grown up kids). We are all super close and prone to over sharing and I shit you not, both couples had sex for the first time in 4-6 months!!!
I'm single at the moment but I used to feel that if I went more than a month, then the relationship was doomed.
I don't think there is any normal, just compatible.

Jaxhog · 21/05/2019 15:31

Buy him a blow-up doll.

Seriously though, does he really think that telling you to 'put out' more is attractive? Perhaps if he helped more, or treated you better, you might be more interested. By all means get help for your tiredness, but don't do if you don't want to.

Btw, how is 'putting up with it' not rape/prostitution? If you say no, he should respect that.

Quintella · 21/05/2019 15:32

6 months without sex for a couple in their 20s without kids.

Sounds depressing.

1poppy1 · 21/05/2019 15:32

Once or twice a month, sometimes a bit more often, particularly if we've been able to spend more time together in general. We are both happy with this, although if I fancy it more often, then my husband is unlikely to say no.

Quintella · 21/05/2019 15:33

Btw, how is 'putting up with it' not rape/prostitution?

Hmm Are you calling the OP a prostitute?

Quintella · 21/05/2019 15:34

As other have said it's impossible to advise without knowing more details.

You currently don't have any sex V you currently have sex once a week/fortnight.

FionnaMAC · 21/05/2019 15:39

You don't have to do it at all if you don't want to - but be aware that it could become such a point of contention that it ends your relationship, and I'm not being hyperbolic!

I've had plenty of friends leave their husbands because of a lack of sex. For some people, it doesn't matter, but for others it really can be a non-negotiable.

I also don't like the double-standard when it comes to sex on this website; if a man is asking for sex, he's pestering, if it's a woman, he's selfish (if not cheating for some posters!).

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 21/05/2019 15:40

They are usually just quickies though as we enjoy 10 mins of passion instead of long drawn out foreplay.

Same here, we need our sleep! Grin A couple of times a week for us, with occasional dry patches if we're exhausted or ill.

cocomelon23 · 21/05/2019 15:43

Probably 3 or 4 times a week. I have a 9 year old.

MotherOfDragonite · 21/05/2019 15:46

It's awful that your partner is putting pressure on you. This must really not help you to feel attracted to him!

Rtmhwales · 21/05/2019 15:47

I genuinely wonder why having children seems to affect some women's sexual drive in the early stages. I have a DS under one and I'm tired yes, but still manage 5 times a week on average. It's important to both myself and DP, and important to me personally that another aspect of my relationship doesn't suffer. We already snap enough at each other due to tiredness and the sheer mundaness of life with small children, I'd hate to lose the sex too. Is everyone else having these marathon sex sessions? When we're tired we just have a quickie, cuddle and fall asleep.

Quintella · 21/05/2019 15:48

be aware that it could become such a point of contention that it ends your relationship, and I'm not being hyperbolic!

Sex and money. That's why a lot of relationships end.

WinterWillow · 21/05/2019 15:48

My DH gets it once a month if he's lucky! Sleep is all I want when I get to bed!

Mitzimaybe · 21/05/2019 15:52

I'm another one wondering how it is that you're tired all the time but he isn't. Get him to do all the childcare - yes, all of it - while you relax and pamper yourself and see if that improves things.

needanappp · 21/05/2019 15:52

As others said I think it depends on how often you are having sex as to how unreasonable he is being. If you're having sex pretty regularly and it's still not enough then he's being an arse. If it's been quite a while, he's not being unreasonable wanting more but shouldn't be pressuring you!

Sex an important factor for some people in a relationship though. I think men tend to get a hard time about wanting more sex because people say things like "why doesn't he just have a wank" when actually they want the intimacy and closeness that comes with having sex with their partner, not just to cum in a tissue!

Definitely agree that pestering does not help though, if anything quite the opposite!

Magpiefeather · 21/05/2019 15:53

Not really the point but I get annoyed by sex always being counted per week. Not sure about any of the other women here but I feel like (and therefore end up having) more sex during my fertile period and feel well icky for a whole week of the month so am not up for sex then. I think it’d be more realistic to measure per month to be honest (which for us is about 4 times per month but that’s not once a week iyswim)

Original poster
thiscantlast4ever · 21/05/2019 15:54

So my kids are 13 down to 4 and I work. Tiredness is justified but he thinks my lack of libido means I either don’t love him or find him attractive or that it’s medical. I don’t think love is defined by sex - attractive? After 18 years roguish dont see him that way - attractive or not - it’s just him.
Is is at the pub maybe 4 out of 7 nights I do everything for the kids it’s just easier this way. I’m not unhappy but this sex issue is causing such an problem I feel like I should just perform for an easy life but then it’s just another bit of my soul crushed...

OP posts:
BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 21/05/2019 15:54

It varies ... 3 or 4 times last week, every night the week before that ... when children were younger we went to bed earlier so it was more often. We are both over 50 now so it might slow down soon I suppose.... hasn’t yet though 😉

Even if I’m tired I find sex relaxes me and gives me a better nights sleep.

The key thing is you BOTH have to want it..... he certainly shouldn’t be sulking BUT if you are very rarely interested then there could be an underlying problem.

Quintella · 21/05/2019 16:00

So are you currently having any sex? Him being in the pub four nights a week and you doing all the childcare doesn't seem likely to foster much in the way of romantic feelings.

MiraculousMarinette · 21/05/2019 16:01

I genuinely wonder why having children seems to affect some women's sexual drive in the early stages

I can't speak for all the women but in my experience the sex drive was affected because I hated my body post partum, I felt like my life was over and my only purpose was to keep the child alive, happy and healthy. Oh and make sure all housework is done. It was also an achievement if I didn't feel like topping myself on any given day. Then the husband would come back from work sometime between 10-11pm (having left at 10-11am) and yabber on about his day and I would need to make it look like I was interested instead of falling into exhaustion coma.

Sexytimes wasn't really on my radar.

MightyDonut · 21/05/2019 16:02

Define normal?
In January you might be at it like jack rabbits, in February twice if you're lucky, March every day except Monday....see where this is going?
It depends on all kinds of factors, kids, tiredness, stress, illness, time, etc. There is no given.
It's not attractive of your OH to put pressure on, but equally i can understand him, I get a cob on if i'm denied it more than twice on a bounce.
Try addressing the above issues and see if you can come to a resolution with any of them.
If it is a case of having a vitamin or mineral deficiency then with the correct supplements you will hopefully begin to feel less tired and lethargic.
Consider a weekend away with your OH if finances and childcare allow it. Sometimes just being away from the home environment and the kids can perk you up.
However you choose to act, its important for your own welfare to act now before its too late.
I'm being neutral and trying to see it from both sides.
I hope you get it sorted out OP.

cuppycakey · 21/05/2019 16:04

What Quintella said.

It sounds like you are drifting apart. Do you fancy him at all? Honestly?

It was very hard for me to admit even to myself that I no longer was attracted to my XH. I felt so guilty about it but that was what was behind my reluctance to have sex. I blamed it bloody everything, but after many many years together, and us growing apart, it was just not working any more.

If you do still fancy him then you need to resolve it and think about a better balance where you have equal down time.

Mitzimaybe · 21/05/2019 16:04

[He?] is at the pub maybe 4 out of 7 nights. I do everything for the kids

Try switching this round for a month. I think it will solve all the problems.

Original poster
thiscantlast4ever · 21/05/2019 16:04

Maybe once a week. We went for months without if I’m honest but now once a week as it has such a visible change in his mood

OP posts:
MiraculousMarinette · 21/05/2019 16:06

By the way I did put out on demand and every time it destroyed a bit of my soul. I'm rid of him now thankfully and can honestly say I don't miss sex at all.

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