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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How many times a week- really?

124 replies

thiscantlast4ever · 21/05/2019 14:32

I’m sorry to bring up the age old question but I’m under a lot of pressure to ‘put out’ and I just don’t feel like it! I have 3 kids and I’m tired. Does this make me selfish? I know I should want to but all I really want is a good night sleep DH gets so stroppy about it and suggests I see a doctor! I can’t be the only one and I refuse to believe I need medical assistance. Causing such an atmosphere- does anyone else have this issue? Sorry if this is too personal 😞

OP posts:
Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 21/05/2019 16:06

He goes to the pub 4 times a week Shock Surely it’s pretty obvious that someone who buggers off down the pub while you do everything after a days work is not going to be that ‘appealing’.
I wouldn’t still be married let alone worrying about how many times per week we were having sex!

riotlady · 21/05/2019 16:07

We probably average once a week as well and I thought we were doing quite well there! We have a one year old

arethereanyleftatall · 21/05/2019 16:09

Fgs. He fucks off to the pub most of the week, whilst you do all the work, and then you wonder if you should be pleasing him more? He isn't superior to you op.

pencilpot99 · 21/05/2019 16:09

OP this is SO familiar! I totally get you. I felt exactly the same way with my exH. And I had exactly the same responses from exH ie there’s something wrong with me, it’s my libido etc etc. In fact there’s nothing wrong with my libido, it was exH that was the problem! I just didn’t fancy him anymore - he didn’t turn me on; i didn’t want him to touch me.
I am now 5 years into a relationship with an amazing man that I adore and we still can’t keep our hands off each other. Sex every day, sexy texts in between times. And my libido is very much alive and kicking. It’s brilliant and the complete opposite of what I had / how I felt with my exH. I’m not suggesting you and your DH separate but him saying it’s all down to you not having a libido / having a medical problem and putting all the blame/pressure on you is just wrong in my opinion/experience and totally unfair. If you wanted to have sex with him/found him sexy, you would!

IDontDrinkTea · 21/05/2019 16:10

I genuinely wonder why having children seems to affect some women's sexual drive in the early stages

My eleven week old cries whenever you put her down. She only sleeps on me. Not sure where I’m meant to fit any form of sex drive into this new life of mine. Once she’s a bit more independent can be put down long enough for me to at least pee on my own it’ll pick back up again

EmptyOrchestra · 21/05/2019 16:10

I genuinely wonder why having children seems to affect some women's sexual drive in the early stages

Hormones. Exhaustion. Changes in sensation. Having a cock of a husband who goes out to the pub most nights and does no parenting.

All possible answers.

OP, I lost my sex drive for years due to hormonal imbalance and this recurred after having children. I couldn’t stand to be touched at all. We had zero sex. My DH would have given anything for sex once a week.

Then my sex drive came back and we had sex at least twice a day for over a fortnight.

We have two kids under 3 with additional needs so I am absolutely exhausted. When I wanted to do it I found the energy though!

So I would say it’s not just that you’re knackered. I expect that your DH being so useless isn’t helping, and neither is his coercion and sulking. Nothing makes my vagina shut up shop faster than coercion and moaning!

arethereanyleftatall · 21/05/2019 16:12

All his solutions to why you don't want sex more are all your fault. Has he considered the notion that it might be his?

LastChanceFinalOffer · 21/05/2019 16:13

thiscantlast4ever
Your username is your answer op

AryaStarkWolf · 21/05/2019 16:13

Between 1-4 times, almost always weekends, we're both too tired during the week and we wake up at different times.......and we don't even have small kids anymore :p Luckily our libidos seem to be even enough

arethereanyleftatall · 21/05/2019 16:18

Op, consider that those who have more sex than you maybe don't have husbands who leave all the childcare to them whilst they're at the pub.

stayathomer · 21/05/2019 16:19

I genuinely wonder why having children seems to affect some women's sexual drive in the early stages. I have a DS under one and I'm tired yes, but still manage 5 times a week on average.

I have 4 children, two who wake most nights. We both have to run into them though it's probably more me. One of them and one older wake at 6. One doesn't get to sleep until after 11. You're so lucky!! It is an awful circle though, the more you do it the more you want it, but you're so tired that once a week feels like an achievement and a mountain and then you think, well at least that's done!!

CountFosco · 21/05/2019 16:21

I genuinely wonder why having children seems to affect some women's sexual drive in the early stages.

There are a lot of women for whom sex is painful after giving birth (temporarily or longer term). Breastfeeding can kill desire dead (I didn't even want to see DH naked in the first few weeks after the DC were each birth, it was the most bizarre feeling). Lots of women are so touched out that having to have sex with your partner just feels like yet another physical demand on your body. Some men do not do their fair share of parenting and so resentment builds as the woman gets more and more exhausted. Lots of babies need to be fed multiple times through the night and so given the chance women would rather catch up on their sleep.

Lots of these things are temporary and a strong relationship between grown ups can survive parenthood and as babies get older sex resumes again. Some are not temporary (the OP's DH's regular trips to the pub) and have a long lasting effect on a marriage.

OP, tell your DH to reduce trips to the pub and do more housework and then you'll feel more like putting out.

ravenmum · 21/05/2019 16:23

I have a DS under one and I'm tired yes, but still manage 5 times a week on average.
I'm guessing/hoping that the word "manage" is a bit of a red herring and that you are not making yourself do something you find hard work, though? Presumably that's a level you actively like and want - 5 times a week is not everyone's cup of tea even without children.

OP, his attitude is rubbish, but a trip to the doctor's might not be such a bad idea if you are knackered. Official confirmation that you are indeed too knackered to have a libido, and your dh needs to do more, might actually be useful.
(And I went for ages thinking that my tiredness was normal with children and a job, when actually I turned out to be slighty anaemic.)

Notabedofroses · 21/05/2019 16:25

Why are you doing everything for the kids and he is at the pub???? 😳
Why are you putting up with such a raw deal. No wonder he is up for it, and you are not!!
I am horrified tbh. He needs drop the pub visit, do at least half the donkey work, pour you a large glass of wine and a bath, and then you may be more in the mood!!
It’s never ever going to happen if you are working all day, doing all the childcare and house work, whilst he is enjoying himself, energised from his drinks and me time at the pub no wonder he wants to and you don’t.

I can’t believe we are even having this conversation in 2019!

Notabedofroses · 21/05/2019 16:27

Ltfb!!!!

Lweji · 21/05/2019 16:28

This:
Try switching this round for a month. I think it will solve all the problems.

Lweji · 21/05/2019 16:29

Also, I like this variant: Ltfb

Original poster
thiscantlast4ever · 21/05/2019 16:30

I don’t mind him going out, I like the space. I guess maybe it feels more like we are friends living together- is be fine never having it again! But then is that me done, would it be different with someone else? Is sex alone reason for divorce? I don’t dislike him I’m not angry I won’t bitch about his mess. Maybe the fact I don’t mind indicates a problem? That’s the saying right - if you didn’t care there wouldn’t be a problem. If there’s no intimacy would he be here if we didn’t have kids? I’m rambling, I don’t have any outlets for this!

OP posts:
LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 21/05/2019 16:30

I genuinely wonder why having children seems to affect some women's sexual drive in the early stages.

Bad tear took a while to heal and constant breast feeding left me feeling 'touched out'. Also had a 'difficult' as they call it pregnancy and birth (HG, blood pressure issues, on a fair amount of meds after the birth) that took a while to get over physically (and mentally!) even without the tear.

Sex hurt afterwards as well, which wasn't a turn on for either of us.

So, yeah, there were a few reasons why I lost interest for a bit.

MinnieMountain · 21/05/2019 16:31

What was your average before he started buggering off to the pub 4 nights a week?

I find I want sex less if I feel:

  1. that DH isn't pulling his weight with household/family things.
  2. I haven't seen much of him so we haven't connected emotionally.
Grumpos · 21/05/2019 16:32

Sex drive is massively linked with emotion though isn’t it. If you’re feeling under appreciated by DH (he sods off to the pub and you look after the kids - ohh sexy!!!) then why the fuck would you want to jump his bones when he returns stinking of booze.
It’s almost too easy to stop being attracted to someone who doesn’t look after your emotional side too. It’s bloody hard work to fancy someone when you’re picking up their boxers or dirty socks or arguing about who’s putting the bin out.
I think if you’re honest you probably just don’t fancy him, rather than your sex drive having disappeared. Not unusual after a long time together.
I really fancy my partner and he’s very very good to me in terms of support, which makes him all the more attractive. We dtd a few times a week, even through the heavy pregnancy stages.

Quintella · 21/05/2019 16:33

Playing devil's advocate but is it possible he goes out so often because he gets the feeling you quite like him being out of the house? As is nearly always the case I think a cards on the table style conversation is required.

Petalflowers · 21/05/2019 16:33

If you are tired in the evening, have you considered getting intimate in the morning? I can never be bothered at night, but am fine in the morning.

keepingbees · 21/05/2019 16:34

You've lost your connection and until you've tried working on that nothing will change or be answered.
He's acting like a single bloke, you're like a single mum.
Would he give up his pub nights for a date night in with you? If you still feel the same after making the effort then you'll have your answer as to whether the spark is retrievable.

pencilpot99 · 21/05/2019 16:39

@Grumpos nails it for me. I felt like a single parent when I was with exH. With my current partner he behaves like a responsible adult - a true partner in every sense. And I absolutely respect and love him for that. My exH behaved like student. Fun to begin with when you don’t have responsibilities but not when you’ve got three children to bring up.

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