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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How many times a week- really?

124 replies

thiscantlast4ever · 21/05/2019 14:32

I’m sorry to bring up the age old question but I’m under a lot of pressure to ‘put out’ and I just don’t feel like it! I have 3 kids and I’m tired. Does this make me selfish? I know I should want to but all I really want is a good night sleep DH gets so stroppy about it and suggests I see a doctor! I can’t be the only one and I refuse to believe I need medical assistance. Causing such an atmosphere- does anyone else have this issue? Sorry if this is too personal 😞

OP posts:

Gth1234 · 22/05/2019 11:06

@thiscantlast4ever

tell him once a day is plenty!

TheGoogleMum · 22/05/2019 11:08

Much less than weekly. It still isn't comfy down there after giving birth (6 months ago) and my sleep is terrible so generally I'd rather just try to sleep while my body and my baby will let me. He's being super understanding. Tbh before pregnancy we were usually only once a week maybe a bit less. Currently more like once a month. While being pressured for it is not ok rejecting all the time is a bit miserable too... If I'm not too tired but not really in the mood I usually say but suggest he tries foreplay anyway and usually it'll get me into it after a bit. He has learnt long ago waking me up for it is a hard no as I really like my sleep!

Pinkarmchair · 22/05/2019 11:12

Haven't done it a year and we're in our twenties with no kids!

We're both in very stressful jobs

Switsy · 22/05/2019 12:08

Stressful jobs or not and illness aside, a couple of any age not having sex for year doesn’t sound like much of a relationship to me. But a childfree couple in the their twenties? Just admit it’s over.

MrsHormonal2019 · 22/05/2019 12:11

We have 4 kids and another on the way.
Both work full time and we have sex every day pretty much.
Sometimes before work and then again before bed. We both have very high sex drives though.
Everyone is different

Lovemusic33 · 22/05/2019 12:12

In your 20’s, no kids and haven’t had it for a year? You are no longer a couple, you have become ‘just friends’.

I’m single but for me sex is very important in a relationship, if I was in a relationship I would want it as much as possible. I know after a while it can become less but I think if you don’t do it it then becomes a chore to even think about doing it. I’m not saying you should make yourself do it but it can be fun once you get going.

Pinkarmchair · 22/05/2019 12:13

I should have mentioned aside from the stressful jobs, I suffer from immense pain during sex which means I haven't wanted to do it in so long/can't do it. DP has been so understanding. Doctors have been useless

Lweji · 22/05/2019 12:13

I have to agree. No amount of work stress can explain no sex for a year in a young couple with no kids.

Lweji · 22/05/2019 12:15

Ups, sorry, but major drip feed, fgs.

It looks like you need to push the doctors and go for different ones. That's awful.

DHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 22/05/2019 12:15

Haven't done it a year and we're in our twenties with no kids!

We're both in very stressful jobs

you are still entitled to a break, you need a holiday. Truly, people do burn out, it's not a urban legend. It is definitively worth it to build a career and be successful, but you still need a life!

DHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 22/05/2019 12:17

I suffer from immense pain during sex
go to another doctor!

It's not normal, you don't have to suffer in silence. I realise in the UK the care for women private problems is disgusting, but there is still help.

You could even NC and start a thread about it on here, other posters might give you ideas, options, and things to explore to explain and resolve your problem.

Karwomannghia · 22/05/2019 12:20

I’ve read the OP responses but do you use hormonal contraception? I’m sure it killed my libido.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/05/2019 12:29

Another factor, of course, is that men like OP's H are usually shit in bed. He's lazy, selfish and entitled about domestic work and childcare, so it' very unlikely that he's prepared to put effort into making sex enjoyable for OP. Difficult to feel inclined to have sex when it's going to be a matter of doing whatever it takes to 'despunk' him so you can get some sleep and stop him moaning for a while.
What would you like him to do for you, OP? Not specifically in sexual terms, but would you like him to do more domestic work, take you out on a date or two, mind the kids while you spend an evening with friends or doing a hobby? If you can rearrange the balance in your relationship so that it isn't just you doing everything for his benefit and still being expected to open your legs on demand, things might improve.

Switsy · 22/05/2019 12:40

@Pinkarmchair, have they suggested vaginismus? Try another doctor, you don't have to live like this.

Haisuli · 22/05/2019 13:06

Health issues here too. Interstitial cystitis that is getting worse with age. We're managing about 2-3 times a month if lucky. Husband understanding but I am sad for both of us. I love the closeness we have when we have sex. Jealous of all of you that can do it every day. Eternally grateful he doesn't nag me. I couldn't cope with that.

Justaboy · 22/05/2019 19:43

I’ve read the OP responses but do you use hormonal contraception? I’m sure it killed my libido

Isn't it a well known fact that they do work very well as a contraceptive by lowering the desire in the first place?

RomanyQueen1 · 22/05/2019 19:46

You shouldn't be put under pressure, but problems do arise if one has a higher sex drive than their partner.
We are daily ike we were 30 years ago, however there have been times when dc were little when it was once a week, if we managed it.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 22/05/2019 19:49

We didn't dtd for 4 years after.
We now do it about once every 2 months. It's enjoyable.

Karwomannghia · 22/05/2019 22:44

Justaboy well obviously they work by preventing fertilisation or implantation in various ways. If they do lower libido that’s a side effect and not the main purpose.

Justaboy · 23/05/2019 12:09

Karwomannghia Yes quite aware of the pharmacology side of it but the unwanted side effects improve the efficacy of same perhaps a smiley here or there;)

SupaNintendoChalmers · 23/05/2019 12:23

Nothing makes you want to jump on a man and give him the ride of his life like complaining sulking and pressuring you am I right? 🙄
To be honest I was in a relationship where I got to the point where we would have sex once every two-three months and I would just be wanting it to end when we did, and I thought "oh I must just be at a point in my life where sex doesn't matter" but in the end we broke up.
And back came my sex drive! It could be exhaustion etc etc but it could be the romantic spark is gone and he's just your friend now as was the case with my ex.

Oilyskinproblems · 23/05/2019 14:23

I really do think sex is one of those things that if you really want you make time for regardless of age, kids, >insert excuse

Oilyskinproblems · 23/05/2019 14:25

Oh just read the drip feed...

OP that’s awful you need to keep going until they help you

KatharinaRosalie · 23/05/2019 14:56

It really does not matter if other couples shag like rabbits or do it once per year. You prefer that your DH is out of the house 4-7 nights a week while you do everything for kids. It's more important to figure out why you feel like that. I'm pretty sure the lack of desire is related to that reason.

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