How many times a week- really?

[thiscantlast4ever]

I’m sorry to bring up the age old question but I’m under a lot of pressure to ‘put out’ and I just don’t feel like it! I have 3 kids and I’m tired. Does this make me selfish? I know I should want to but all I really want is a good night sleep DH gets so stroppy about it and suggests I see a doctor! I can’t be the only one and I refuse to believe I need medical assistance. Causing such an atmosphere- does anyone else have this issue? Sorry if this is too personal 😞

No one should pressure anyone into sex. Your body belongs to you.

It sounds like you might enjoy more sex if you were less exhausted. It also sounds like if he did his fair share of child care and house work you would be less exhausted.

Not rocket science!

I don’t dislike him
If he was a better husband and dad, can you imagine being fond of him, and wanting him to be happy so much that you would actually make an effort to get your libido back?

I didn't lose my libido with my ex, but I wasn't fond of him any more. That meant that I was "fine" with him not being there a lot of the time, as I had a good life with just me and the kids.

What does he do for you?

Yes I agree.
He is acting like if he was single AND childless.
You are basically acting as if you were a single mum. No wonder you are tired.

I always find it interesting how men can think that they can pressure on you about having sex. That you must have a problem, a medical problem, if you don’t fancy a shag. But somehow looking for the reason for the tiredness or the fact you are not that attracted to them anymore just doesn’t seem... logical.
I wouldn’t be attracted by him either OP.

Quintella- I think this is what I’m realising

It's much nicer being with someone you're fond of. Having a meaningful connection and caring about your partner makes your life richer and more enjoyable. Have you ever had that with him? Could you get it back?

Once a month would be pretty good. We both work long hours, 13?hour days for me, (when one isn’t working they do all the school runs and childcare while the other works) and I’ve also developed some health issues recently. I think it’s been about once every other month. But I’m so exhausted that I can barely function except to work and keep the dc alive, so in the short term, we accept that’s just how it has to be. I’m realistic it won’t always be this way though.

It's not unreasonable to want to be more intimate.

I would find it really upsetting if my DH was rejecting me every time I tried. Try to reverse the situation and be honest on how you would feel.

Now it's up to him to make efforts to put you in the mood, even helping you out and giving you a night out so you are less tired. He can't expect you to be magically turned on!

I don't think people really stay in a marriage without sex, or maybe they do, but if someone else comes along, it's no surprise if one walks away. When another woman or another man comes into the story, there's usually a very good reason behind it.

We average on 2 or 3 times a week we are late 30s

I find it absolutely laughable that he is suggesting you have a health reason for being so tired and not in the mood when it is So evident that him being down the pub 4 times a week while doing zero helping out in the home or childcare while you work full time is the reason.

I would tell him the problem is largely your lifestyle and that he needs to cut down the pub to one night a week, do up a list of chores and he has to do half plus if he wants to dtd once a week on that evening he’s in charge of the kids and you’re having a pamper evening (only fair if he’s getting an eve to go down the pub). If he’s not willing to help then I’d consider what kind of marriage you are in and if you want to stay in it. Of course you are mismatched. He gets plenty of headspace and has a great social life and does nothing to help with kids/house whereas you are run ragged trying to keep everything together. I’ve never heard something so ridiculous. He needs to get his head out of his a**

Do not use the word "help" when you talk to him, btw.

He should be doing his part as father and as partner.

He does work hard, I’m actually considering giving up work but the thought of being financially dependent on him - I’d feel like I HAD to have sex as part of the package! Of course he hasn’t said that. I may have more energy but I’m already feeling the additional pressure.

And you don't?

Definitely don't leave work.

Yes but you both work full time. Presumably you also work hard in your job? Does he do half the housework and child minding ?

This has been picked up by the press

Tisonlymeagain - What do you mean?

I'm not surprised you're not having sex if he's leaving all the child-rearing/parenting/housework to you while he fucks off to the pub, and then comes home to pester you. That's not attractive at all, if he wants to get his end away with you then he really needs to start acting like a responsible adult.

@thiscantlast4ever I saw this on Twitter last night

www.dailystar.co.uk/love-sex/780429/mumsnet-how-often-do-mums-have-sex-women-sex-life

That’s unbelievable! Thank goodness this is anonymous

Birthdays and Christmas 😉

He does work hard, I’m actually considering giving up work but the thought of being financially dependent on him - I’d feel like I HAD to have sex as part of the package! Of course he hasn’t said that. I may have more energy but I’m already feeling the additional pressure.

Don t give up work if you don't like being financially dependent and feel like you owe him something. It's crippling

Purpletigers - yes this is reasonable! 😁

Our sex life took a natural tumble after DS was born and is probably only just beginning to get back on track almost 7 months later. DP did take offence and simply asked how I’d feel if he rejected me for sex, I could understand his perspective but I explained it wasn’t personal, I was just fucking knackered and didn’t feel very sexy at all.

I don’t think men understand how exhausting it is for a woman, especially if you are EBFing. It takes a toll on your body. They should be more understanding and selfless really but I do get why it must be hard to be rejected constantly.

If you're not having sex for months on end, and then you're only having sex occasionally because you feel like you have to, then the relationship is in trouble. I don't agree that sex isn't important in a marriage.

I'm not going to sit here and suggest counseling, a dirty weekend away or a brand new butt plug, because I'm sure you're already aware of options out there. But I do think you need to start moving in the direction of those sorts of things to try and get the spark back. That's if you want to, of course... If he's lazy and selfish and you're tired because you're doing everything on your own then maybe you'd be better to simply walk away?

I agree that sex is important for the relationship and that if a couple isn't having as much sex as both would like then the relationship is in trouble. That also goes for having more sex than you'd like, btw.

However, I'd say lack of sex is more a symptom than a cause. You should address the cause(s).