To have called out my mums friend over NHS abuse…..

[Putmyfootinitthistime]

My mum has a friend who she moans about constantly. From calling her several times a day to tell her what the cats had for dinner, to asking her what she should do about XYZ. Friend lives on her own since her “partner” of 35 years died. The partner was actually a gay man who she shared the house with after her husband died (or should I say killed himself). What I’m trying to get across is she is definitely your stereotypical mad cat lady.

I’m forever having to put up with mum moaning and telling me the stories of friends abuse of the NHS. Now, I know for fact that there are no underlying health issues– just sheer boredom and entitledness. There is not a single week that goes by without friend going to the doctors for something. We’ve had suspected skin cancer which turned out to be a blackhead. Infected finger which was a skin tag next to her nail. I often say to mum “why don’t you say something to her?” and I get “well I do, I say “friend” why are you going to the doctors you don’t need to”. But she never says anything to follow it up.

So I’m sitting with mum and friend comes around and regails me with her latest story. I already knew about it because my mum had moaned to me about it. Sunday she called an ambulance because she had cut her leg. There was no arterial involvement just a cut. Even if it warranted A&E (a walk in center would have done) it sure as hell didn’t warrant an ambulance. Friend however hammed it up on the phone, got one, then complained at A&E she couldn’t wait to be seen as she needed to get home to look after the cats. She now wants to complain that even after explaining this pressing need, they still took over 5 hours to deal with her. Apparently some bloods were taken and she was told her doctor might want to put her on antibiotics.

So the reason for the visit was for her to complain she couldn’t get a doctors appointment. Apparently she was feeling ever so dreadful this morning and thought it might be sepsis so after she went out looking for her cat (!!!!!!) she phoned the doctors but couldn’t get through. When she finally got through she was told she couldn’t have an appointment but could phone up tomorrow for the blood results and they would take it from there.

My mum did say at this point “why do you need to go an see them”.

Her answer was that she wanted to go and see them so they could examine her and see how really ill she was she was convinced they weren’t answering the phone to her because they knew it was her phoning. Mum tried reassuring her it wasn’t because it was her.

At that point I admit, my patience ran thin…….I said words to the effect of “Friend, even if they were screening your calls, maybe you should take it as a bloody hint. If you had sepsis you wouldn’t be able to go looking for the cat and anyway you didn’t need an ambulance in the first place. In my world you would have been billed for wasting NHS time. If it wasn’t for people like you, maybe people could see a doctor when they are you know, sick, rather than bored with too much time on their hands”.

Friend didn’t like it and stormed off. I then got it in the neck for the next hour about how I shouldn’t have said anything. Problem is, if no one says anything, friend keeps on thinking its ok to do it.

Mum is not speaking to me now unless I apologise to friend. I'm refusing to.

YANBU. I doubt she will change though. Pisses me right off when my dad was told he could t have an ambulance the other day when really needing one - and being a cancer patient!

Visiting the GP shouldn't have a nominal charge, even £5 a time will be hard for a lot of people!

Green tulips. Have you any links or book titles where doctors have complained please.

And what do you do for a living that you have time for this?

It sounds more like mental health issues tbh

Gawd, since when have ‘mental health issues’ been an excuse for systematic batshit selfish behaviour?

Obviously you don't have to like her or engage with any of it, if it's frustrating. It sound pretty much like a MH issue though.

You sound like you're looking down on her and laughing at her tbh. And what's with the '(should I say killed himself)' like it's it wrong/bad/weird? It sounds like her whole set up was quite sad. She's probably very lonely and unwell. Not great for the ambulance service, but they usually have a triage system and are able to respond appropriately when when they figure out the injury isn't as bad as the patient thinks it is.

@Jasging what was the reason they gave for not sending out an ambulance?

I agree the scheme should be rolled out but it needs a very supportive group of organisations from NHS departments to charities, local authorities and housing associations.

In my area it was identified that 60 individuals had cost £1.2m in six months which is why the pilot went ahead I think.

For me, the really interesting thing was the case studies around those with genuine physical needs; in that a physical diagnosis had been made, but a mental health/anxiety need hadn’t been identified as part of the dx/ongoing care. There was a 19-yr-old with epilepsy who’d started university and suddenly struggled with her dx and wanted to fit in resulting in irregular med taking, late night partying, drinking, removal of med alert jewellery. This led to seizures in nightclub toilets, town centres etc where bystanders would naturally call 999. Another was a gentleman with a hereditary and serious heart condition. He’d seen three family members die 20/30 years ago and had enormous anxiety around the condition. Today it’s a very manageable condition and he needed support coming to terms with his bereavements and a greater understanding what living with the condition in this decade meant for him.

I'm a nurse. I'd rather see your Mum's friend day in, day out, then miss the one time she had something serious.

Nobody habitually makes medical appointments just for 'attention'. They have an underlying need that hasn't been met. They may be desperately lonely, have health anxiety, have another concern that they can't voice.

@CCC1

I think more and more areas are rolling out
It’s a very low cost alternative to train and employ a navigator and amazing results

I also work in healthcare and anxiety related repeat attenders at A&E are in the top 3 reasons alongside drugs alcohol and mental health.

Nationally primary care and urgent care know this is an issue, 111 clinicians in some areas now call patients back who have made 999 calls to talk to them and calm them down and do a proper assessment of their needs which is what probably happens when they don’t send an ambulance. They will be flagged as a frequent flyer on their records perhaps

Primary care networks and neighbourhood hubs will have these services with STP level buy in from all surrounding services in the NHS 5 & 10 year plan.

In my area we have helped homeless people, very lonely people and very anxious people who over use the NHS. Abuse to me is the wrong word. People really don’t know where else to turn to, I do not think they intend or want to be a burden but that is part of chronic loneliness that it can feed anxiety and depression with very limited distractions or interactions so they all become focused around their health issues.

@makingmammaries

I think it isn’t until you uncover a lot of the deeper reasons for why people do this that it becomes clear. People who have been widowed often are at risk of this type of lonely anxiety where they may only see people for a couple of hours a WEEK. Please try to imagine what that could actually be like? I am talking potentially 3 or 4 solid days and nights with no interaction with another human, just 4 walls and a TV or a book. Their GP becomes almost like a social outing, something to cling onto. Someone who will always listen to you. They don’t realise they are lonely. They have nothing else in their life except fear they are going to die

How is it relevant to talk about the manner of her husband's death?

“Friend. I’m so terribly sorry that my annoyance yesterday stopped me getting a really important message across. You really cannot lee wasting NHS resources and time because you are bored and lonely. Can we help you look into some local classes?” Is the only sort of apology I’d deliver.

It's dreadful, a terrible waste of much needed NHS resources. I agree with that.

BUT, often people who are attention seeking really do need attention. There could be loneliness, there almost certainly is in this case, but there could also be something else going on too. She lost her ''partner'' who even though he was gay, was clearly a close friend who lived with her. I would be very surprised if this major loss did not lead to depression.

A little empathy wouldn't go amiss, tbh!

@IronManisnotDead too busy! His blood pressure was ok so said he could wait and to try GP who we couldn't even get through to on phone anyway. Luckily he could wait but with the symptoms it could have been a stroke so I'm still cross about it.

This is close to one of the nastiest most ignorant disablist posts I've ever seen on mn.

Apologise to her and your mother.

The lady has had a tough time and quite possibly DOES have genuine medical issues (possibly physical and mental - it's far from unheard of for certain physical ailments to go undx for many years because the patient is dismissed as a "malingerer" etc - even MORE true when mental illness is a factor!(

If you don't like her steer clear and gently and politely advise your mum you don't wish to discuss her.

Beyond that you DON'T know her full medical history it's none of your business what she does.

Reporting! Frankly I'm disappointed the thread has lasted as long as it has.

If she had mental health problems as severe as people are making out on here, would not one of the many health practitioners she is seeing so regularly have picked up on it?

Haahaaaahaa! Oh, yes, that good ol' mental health provision that no longer- -exists-.

Barnabas quite! It's hard enough as a woman let alone a post menopausal woman being taken seriously on physical ailments let alone mental illness! Particularly as you say with all the cuts.

AmeriAnn - you were actually laughing at a woman who was regularly sectioned??

I can't believe this thread.

Don't apologise, and tell your mother you don't want to hear another single thing about her friend. If your mother is doormat enough to tolerate this woman's phone calls ten times a day, then that's her lookout, but she she has no right to then moan at you constantly about it.