To have called out my mums friend over NHS abuse…..

[Putmyfootinitthistime]

My mum has a friend who she moans about constantly. From calling her several times a day to tell her what the cats had for dinner, to asking her what she should do about XYZ. Friend lives on her own since her “partner” of 35 years died. The partner was actually a gay man who she shared the house with after her husband died (or should I say killed himself). What I’m trying to get across is she is definitely your stereotypical mad cat lady.

I’m forever having to put up with mum moaning and telling me the stories of friends abuse of the NHS. Now, I know for fact that there are no underlying health issues– just sheer boredom and entitledness. There is not a single week that goes by without friend going to the doctors for something. We’ve had suspected skin cancer which turned out to be a blackhead. Infected finger which was a skin tag next to her nail. I often say to mum “why don’t you say something to her?” and I get “well I do, I say “friend” why are you going to the doctors you don’t need to”. But she never says anything to follow it up.

So I’m sitting with mum and friend comes around and regails me with her latest story. I already knew about it because my mum had moaned to me about it. Sunday she called an ambulance because she had cut her leg. There was no arterial involvement just a cut. Even if it warranted A&E (a walk in center would have done) it sure as hell didn’t warrant an ambulance. Friend however hammed it up on the phone, got one, then complained at A&E she couldn’t wait to be seen as she needed to get home to look after the cats. She now wants to complain that even after explaining this pressing need, they still took over 5 hours to deal with her. Apparently some bloods were taken and she was told her doctor might want to put her on antibiotics.

So the reason for the visit was for her to complain she couldn’t get a doctors appointment. Apparently she was feeling ever so dreadful this morning and thought it might be sepsis so after she went out looking for her cat (!!!!!!) she phoned the doctors but couldn’t get through. When she finally got through she was told she couldn’t have an appointment but could phone up tomorrow for the blood results and they would take it from there.

My mum did say at this point “why do you need to go an see them”.

Her answer was that she wanted to go and see them so they could examine her and see how really ill she was she was convinced they weren’t answering the phone to her because they knew it was her phoning. Mum tried reassuring her it wasn’t because it was her.

At that point I admit, my patience ran thin…….I said words to the effect of “Friend, even if they were screening your calls, maybe you should take it as a bloody hint. If you had sepsis you wouldn’t be able to go looking for the cat and anyway you didn’t need an ambulance in the first place. In my world you would have been billed for wasting NHS time. If it wasn’t for people like you, maybe people could see a doctor when they are you know, sick, rather than bored with too much time on their hands”.

Friend didn’t like it and stormed off. I then got it in the neck for the next hour about how I shouldn’t have said anything. Problem is, if no one says anything, friend keeps on thinking its ok to do it.

Mum is not speaking to me now unless I apologise to friend. I'm refusing to.

The NHS much rather treat people like her then those who end up in ambulances and A&E because they got drunk and hurt themselves.

There are also many mums who take their kids to the gp as soon as they have a small cough. They too are wasting nhs resources.

You are spiteful. I'd be horrified if any of my children dared to speak to one of my friends like that.

While I kind of see how you lost the plot, I also wonder if you would have said all this if it was more obvious that she was suffering from mild alzheimers which she very well could be. My mum is and if anyone spoke to her like the way you've spoken to that woman, no matter how 'barking' you think she is, I would be bloody livid.

The NHS is carrying an enormous load as a result of this epidemic of loneliness.

On the one hand, there's the fact that loneliness increases your chances of getting ill, causes people to suffer far worse symptoms and causes a slower recovery time that puts pressure on NHS resources and on the other, it's clearly abused that some who are lonely as a social event.

Is anything proactive being done to help? Other than shaming cat ladies?

You did right, and you shouldn't apologise.

Where I am from they did a payable fee for being seen by a doctor. 1 pound (when converted) . It was a bliss! Finally people could actually get appointments.

As soon as it was cancelled visits upped by 22%...

My area ran a successful pilot specifically targeting repeat A&E users - if you had so many visits you’d automatically be referred and direct interventions put in place (mental health, anxiety support, medication reviews, pain management, drug and alcohol support, etc; eg if you were a diabetic who struggled to look after yourself properly a community nurse would come to see you several times a week to help you stay on track). The figures on how many A&E visits this reduced were amazing and the cost implications huge. It needs multi agency but- in though. It would be great to see this rolled out nationally.

Just tell DM you don't want to hear another word about moaning minnie - problem solved.

I think your delivery could have been improved, but frankly, I agree with you.

I have sadly seen many cases of people coming to hospital and/or being admitted for "social reasons". The hospital isn't there to provide company for lonely people, and this takes away resources that are needed for seriously ill patients.

I think there needs to be some sort of crisis/mental health center where people can be referred if they present with some sort of personal crisis or mental health issue that doesn't need emergency care. Sadly, there are people who show up at A&E simply because they don't have anywhere else to go, particularly in smaller communities. A&E isn't really the best place for them, and often there's nothing we can do to help them.

That sounds ridiculously sensible ccc1, is it too much to hope it won't be widely ignored?

Sad thing is that we all probably know someone like this. Goes to GP weekly, lots of FB check-ins at A & E. Some people like the attention; some people have health anxiety.

I don't agree with the system that allows it, to be honest. I think their names should be flagged as service abusers and MH care support put into place.

@CCC1 that sounds great!

The word you were looking not very hard for is "challenged" rather than the ridiculous phrase "called out".

Calls like this isn't actually the reason the nhs is on its knees and mental health issues/loneliness are real health issues. Health professionals in A&E would rather check someone than catch sepsis too late to do anything. I think you were unnecessarily harsh and self righteous. I don't think you get over a loved one committing suicide even 35 years on. You worry about you and butt out of this woman's life. It's up to your dm if she wants to answer her calls or not.

SuperSara Pedant's corner is

Why are you all assuming the lady is lonely?
You only have the OP word for it, no one knows this lady's full medical history. So I think it's unacceptable to be discussing this poor woman just on hearsay and speculation caused by a busybody who wants a pat on the back

Health anxiety ?

I think you could’ve put things a bit more politely. I don’t think you are the spokesperson for the NHS. You couldnve just explained things to her a bit more diplomatically especially that you don’t know what she is going through mentally.

So yes YABU

I would apologise.. for not being considerate to her feelings while I aired my opinion.

As a clinical person who works for a Gp surgery I think you were spot on. We have too many who abuse us just to talk about nothing medical related. They are actually upset when they are told they are perfectly healthy and bloods are normal. Legally, you can’t refuse to see them but it’s the same ones every week with nothing wrong with them. Staff can’t say a word but if more folk like you did we could get on with seeing sick patients.

Thing is OP, whilst many will agree with you, the chances are you have made zero difference. That’s why it comes across as spiteful because it’s obvious to anyone reading your post that straight talking isn’t going to change how this woman behaves and you simply took the opportunity to stick your boot in and relieve your own annoyance.

Schemes like @CCC1 are the only real way to deal with people like this because there are always deeper issues at play. Even in the case of simple attention seeking.

Imho it’s up to the NHS as an organisation to acknowledge formally what we all know and deal with it head on supporting their staff properly (because let’s face it, it’s the fear of being the one to dismiss legitimate concerns one time that stops the organisation dealing with it appropriately).

Legally, you can’t refuse to see them but it’s the same ones every week with nothing wrong with them
Except you don't really know do you? A friend of mine complained of reflux and feeling full. She was losing weight however, because her notes mentioned that she'd previously suffered from anorexia and bulimia, she was told it was down to that. She must have gone her gp over 20 times over a few months until exasperated, he sent her for tests, telling her it would come back normal and she should accept a referral for counselling. It turned out she had cancer and had to have urgent surgery a couple of weeks later.

Yes, the above is rare and yes there are wasters who are just after attention, but there are also GPS who refuse to listen because of preconceptions.

@JaneEyre07 Service Abusers are flagged up and dealt with accordingly, however this lady is not one.

It sounds like it's more than just lonliness but the paranoia about them ignoring the phone knowing it is her could be some kind of mental illness.

Yes, she should be talked to about her overuse of the NHS, but ideally in a gentle way and by one of the many healthcare professionals she sees.

Your mum should also set down some boundaries about how often she is in contact.

“Legally, you can’t refuse to see them but it’s the same ones every week with nothing wrong with them
Except you don't really know do you?”

Actually yes, they get a complete check up and full list of bloods done. These come back normal and they are genuinely peeved . They even when asked if they have any symptoms , say “ no , I feel perfectly fine but you never know do you? I want every test doing just to be sure ecsuse my neighbour got diagnosed with this, that , the other ”. If people knew how much these blood tests cost, they would recoil in horror

Tigerlilly

The other problem you get is that the more tests you do, the more likely you are to find a "problem" that isn't actually a problem. For example, it's estimated that about 10% of the population has gallstones. That's an estimate because we don't know the exact number. Many people have them but don't have symptoms. But we don't start just doing an abdominal ultrasound on everybody to check if they have gallstones, and then start removing gallbladders that do right across the board. The risks outweigh the benefits.

Years ago someone wrote a great article about this. It's called "Uncle Remus and the cascade effect in clinical medicine: Br'er Rabbit kicks the tar-baby".

Makes me wonder how many people are actually ok to wait 3 weeks to see a doctor because surgery is full of similar people?

There are several books where doctors complain of these very types taking up lots of time because they are lonely or borded

Not on really