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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have called out my mums friend over NHS abuse…..

147 replies

Putmyfootinitthistime · 21/05/2019 13:23

My mum has a friend who she moans about constantly. From calling her several times a day to tell her what the cats had for dinner, to asking her what she should do about XYZ. Friend lives on her own since her “partner” of 35 years died. The partner was actually a gay man who she shared the house with after her husband died (or should I say killed himself). What I’m trying to get across is she is definitely your stereotypical mad cat lady.

I’m forever having to put up with mum moaning and telling me the stories of friends abuse of the NHS. Now, I know for fact that there are no underlying health issues– just sheer boredom and entitledness. There is not a single week that goes by without friend going to the doctors for something. We’ve had suspected skin cancer which turned out to be a blackhead. Infected finger which was a skin tag next to her nail. I often say to mum “why don’t you say something to her?” and I get “well I do, I say “friend” why are you going to the doctors you don’t need to”. But she never says anything to follow it up.

So I’m sitting with mum and friend comes around and regails me with her latest story. I already knew about it because my mum had moaned to me about it. Sunday she called an ambulance because she had cut her leg. There was no arterial involvement just a cut. Even if it warranted A&E (a walk in center would have done) it sure as hell didn’t warrant an ambulance. Friend however hammed it up on the phone, got one, then complained at A&E she couldn’t wait to be seen as she needed to get home to look after the cats. She now wants to complain that even after explaining this pressing need, they still took over 5 hours to deal with her. Apparently some bloods were taken and she was told her doctor might want to put her on antibiotics.

So the reason for the visit was for her to complain she couldn’t get a doctors appointment. Apparently she was feeling ever so dreadful this morning and thought it might be sepsis so after she went out looking for her cat (!!!!!!) she phoned the doctors but couldn’t get through. When she finally got through she was told she couldn’t have an appointment but could phone up tomorrow for the blood results and they would take it from there.

My mum did say at this point “why do you need to go an see them”.

Her answer was that she wanted to go and see them so they could examine her and see how really ill she was she was convinced they weren’t answering the phone to her because they knew it was her phoning. Mum tried reassuring her it wasn’t because it was her.

At that point I admit, my patience ran thin…….I said words to the effect of “Friend, even if they were screening your calls, maybe you should take it as a bloody hint. If you had sepsis you wouldn’t be able to go looking for the cat and anyway you didn’t need an ambulance in the first place. In my world you would have been billed for wasting NHS time. If it wasn’t for people like you, maybe people could see a doctor when they are you know, sick, rather than bored with too much time on their hands”.

Friend didn’t like it and stormed off. I then got it in the neck for the next hour about how I shouldn’t have said anything. Problem is, if no one says anything, friend keeps on thinking its ok to do it.

Mum is not speaking to me now unless I apologise to friend. I'm refusing to.

OP posts:
IronManisnotDead · 21/05/2019 15:09

@DameFanny oh go educate yourself, you have no idea.Hmm

Boysey45 · 21/05/2019 15:18

Sounds like the friend might have dementia or mental health problems of some kind. Our NDN's relative was phoning for the ambulance all day every day, he had dementia.
If your Mum is moaning about her all the time then she needs to distance herself or end the friendship. It sound like the friend needs to join some groups and activities so she has a more positive focus apart from ill health. I'd suggest some local things she could link into.

ClarkeMurphy · 21/05/2019 15:20

Your opening paragraph is nasty. Making light of suicide, not at all understanding of her previous living situation or the effect a bereavement like that can have and "mad cat lady" is a sexist insult.

You don't like the woman so maybe you should clear off when she comes round. I can't believe you had a go at her in your mums house. I'd never put my mum in that position.

Boysey45 · 21/05/2019 15:24

@Putmyfootinitthistime You sound really nasty how you are talking about this woman. I would never have anything further to do with someone who slagged me down behind my back like you are doing. You and your Mum need to do her a favour. She would be better off alone than being stuck with backstabbers.

Jaxhog · 21/05/2019 15:26

Why is it that anyone thinks you should apologise, just because the might be lonely/elderly/sick etc? We can't go through life walking on eggshells in case we might upset someone. Be tactful yes, but you should be able to express your honest opinion provided it's not done in a nasty way. Which you didn't appear to do.

If anyone should apologise, it should be your mother for sharing her personal details with you.

Happyspud · 21/05/2019 15:34

My sister is a GP and says the vast majority of her day is with people who are lonely or have health anxiety but no real medical need. There’s nowhere for her to refer these people to anymore so she just does her best to reassure them and send them on their way....till tomorrow when they come again.

*of course she tries to treat anxiety and depression where relevant.

RockinHippy · 21/05/2019 15:35

I get why you would want to put DMs friend straight, but I also think YABU.

There a very lonely older lady with clear red flags for MH problems. She needs help, not berating. I understand why your DM is upset & think you need to apologise

WolfhoundsofLove · 21/05/2019 15:38

Jesus, you’re a real bitch aren’t you. I’m glad I don’t know you.

AlwaysCheddar · 21/05/2019 15:38

Good for you. She’s costing the NHS she’s loads of money and putting other lives at risk. People like this should be called out.

Nomorepies · 21/05/2019 15:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

SandAndSea · 21/05/2019 15:49

OP, I think I see this differently to you. I have a similar situation with my mum talking to me repeatedly and at length about certain people in her life. I've heard all the same issues, about the same people, for decades now. I'm not friends with the other people, any more than you are, so their business is certainly not mine. What I came to realise is that the problem isn't with them, it's with my mum.

In short, you have a mum problem.

MaidenMotherCrone · 21/05/2019 15:58

This says exactly how you feel about your mother's friend...... you're nasty!

The partner was actually a gay man who she shared the house with after her husband died (or should I say killed himself).

Her husband died.... the circumstances of his death shouldn't be used as some sly dig at her.

You've upset 2 people but hey you just carry on being right! Which you are not btw.

HappyHammy · 21/05/2019 16:07

Now that she knows how you feel about her and that your mum, supposedly her friend! talks about her behind her back then hopefully she'll leave you both alone. If her g.p. thinks she would benefit from the social prescribing that is gaining strength then they could help her. G.p. no longer need to feel there is nothing they can do to help patients who no longer have medical needs. Theres a lot of commu ity support available.

Pinkblanket · 21/05/2019 16:13

If she had mental health problems as severe as people are making out on here, would not one of the many health practitioners she is seeing so regularly have picked up on it?

viques · 21/05/2019 16:14

Thank you Mn, (most of ) this thread has restored my faith in humanity. Apart from a few posters who are so very unpleasant it is almost impossible not to wish some small disaster fall into their self righteous little lives , most of the posts have been sympathetic and understanding towards the poor woman and her confused and distressed behaviour. I had to re write the post I was planning as I read through, I was expecting the usual MN unpleasantness towards an older woman, but instead there was a great feeling of empathy and concern for her well being .

Flowers
Sirzy · 21/05/2019 16:14

Not necessarily pink unfortunately too often joint up thinking doesn’t occur! They treat what presents without looking at the bigger picture

Ticklingcheese · 21/05/2019 16:14

So sorry for friend, she is lonely and probably have some mh issues.

Walk a mile in someone's shoes, before you judge.
Show some emphaty instead of just thinking you a right, you might find yourself in situations in life, where the last thing you need is not so experienced people think, they know it all.

Jellybeansincognito · 21/05/2019 16:20

Whilst I don’t think you went about it the right way, I do think it’s important to say things like this to those who are abusing the system. People die because their ambulance was blocked by someone who could have gone to a walk in centre, that’s not ok. Somebody shouldn’t have to lose their life because the right services aren’t available for those who behave like in the OP. Your mum should stop enabling these medical almost brags and be honest with her friend. You don’t have to be rude about it. She needs support, she’s not getting it from your mum and the way you spoke to her won’t help matters either.

Jellybeansincognito · 21/05/2019 16:21

What I mean is, what you said is fine. The way you went about it was not. There was no need to be so cruel.

PookieDo · 21/05/2019 16:22

The NHS is only just starting to manage these patients. They haven’t got the resources I agree but there has not been an alternative

If anyone is interested they could look at primary care networks, social prescribing etc but no one will Hmm

PookieDo · 21/05/2019 16:24

@Pinkblanket

She’s not in a crisis so frankly, no there isn’t resources to help her so she is left in the care of her GP who is expected to manage her needs - but who can’t manage her needs
That’s our MH system for you

Jinglejanglefish · 21/05/2019 16:26

If she had mental health problems as severe as people are making out on here, would not one of the many health practitioners she is seeing so regularly have picked up on it?

I imagine they have, but its thankfully none of op's business

bert3400 · 21/05/2019 16:33

Well done , we need more people like you to pull up these ' entitled piss takers' . Your mum is just embarrassed, I'm sure she will get over it .

HappyHammy · 21/05/2019 16:33

Pookie. Our surgery are very actively involved in social prescribing. We run volunteer groups which offer all sorts of.support and activities.

Ticklingcheese · 21/05/2019 16:34

Btw my dm saw doctors very frequently, complaining about symptoms. She died from a cancer that takes years to develop. Just wasn't noticed 😢.

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