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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have called out my mums friend over NHS abuse…..

147 replies

Putmyfootinitthistime · 21/05/2019 13:23

My mum has a friend who she moans about constantly. From calling her several times a day to tell her what the cats had for dinner, to asking her what she should do about XYZ. Friend lives on her own since her “partner” of 35 years died. The partner was actually a gay man who she shared the house with after her husband died (or should I say killed himself). What I’m trying to get across is she is definitely your stereotypical mad cat lady.

I’m forever having to put up with mum moaning and telling me the stories of friends abuse of the NHS. Now, I know for fact that there are no underlying health issues– just sheer boredom and entitledness. There is not a single week that goes by without friend going to the doctors for something. We’ve had suspected skin cancer which turned out to be a blackhead. Infected finger which was a skin tag next to her nail. I often say to mum “why don’t you say something to her?” and I get “well I do, I say “friend” why are you going to the doctors you don’t need to”. But she never says anything to follow it up.

So I’m sitting with mum and friend comes around and regails me with her latest story. I already knew about it because my mum had moaned to me about it. Sunday she called an ambulance because she had cut her leg. There was no arterial involvement just a cut. Even if it warranted A&E (a walk in center would have done) it sure as hell didn’t warrant an ambulance. Friend however hammed it up on the phone, got one, then complained at A&E she couldn’t wait to be seen as she needed to get home to look after the cats. She now wants to complain that even after explaining this pressing need, they still took over 5 hours to deal with her. Apparently some bloods were taken and she was told her doctor might want to put her on antibiotics.

So the reason for the visit was for her to complain she couldn’t get a doctors appointment. Apparently she was feeling ever so dreadful this morning and thought it might be sepsis so after she went out looking for her cat (!!!!!!) she phoned the doctors but couldn’t get through. When she finally got through she was told she couldn’t have an appointment but could phone up tomorrow for the blood results and they would take it from there.

My mum did say at this point “why do you need to go an see them”.

Her answer was that she wanted to go and see them so they could examine her and see how really ill she was she was convinced they weren’t answering the phone to her because they knew it was her phoning. Mum tried reassuring her it wasn’t because it was her.

At that point I admit, my patience ran thin…….I said words to the effect of “Friend, even if they were screening your calls, maybe you should take it as a bloody hint. If you had sepsis you wouldn’t be able to go looking for the cat and anyway you didn’t need an ambulance in the first place. In my world you would have been billed for wasting NHS time. If it wasn’t for people like you, maybe people could see a doctor when they are you know, sick, rather than bored with too much time on their hands”.

Friend didn’t like it and stormed off. I then got it in the neck for the next hour about how I shouldn’t have said anything. Problem is, if no one says anything, friend keeps on thinking its ok to do it.

Mum is not speaking to me now unless I apologise to friend. I'm refusing to.

OP posts:
JamieVardysHavingAParty · 21/05/2019 14:23

Your mum's friend sounds like she's got the toxic combo of not really understanding what the NHS is for plus unhappiness.

She's ringing the NHS every five minutes because she wants someone in authority to reassure her everything's okay.

IronManisnotDead · 21/05/2019 14:24

@RichYorks I think you may need to change your username because I know you in RL

echt · 21/05/2019 14:25

The poor bloody NHS is on its knees

It has been on its knees since 1945, mostly. I don't think a single patient's ailments will finish it off, even if she is a bit of a hypochondriac

This would be difficult as it was only set up in 1948. And no, it has not been on its knees since. Amazingly, in as shit state as it is, it is still preferable to what goes on in most of the rest of the world.

Kanga83 · 21/05/2019 14:26

You could always point her in the direction of MIND, they have an online community to tackle loneliness and would put her in touch with some new people.

HappyHammy · 21/05/2019 14:26

Timewasters, malingerers and hypochondriacs. I really hope poster isn't really a health worker. What a awful attitude. This woman could have real problems, but op has decided theres nothing wrong with her. I think the op and her mum should stop moaning about her if they've got nothing positive to say.

SpeckofStardust · 21/05/2019 14:27

I don’t agree with wasting NHS resources but neither am I going to leap to my feet and wildly applaud you for giving this woman a piece of your mind. You’re not covering yourself in glory here, you come across really unpleasantly judgmental and lacking in sympathy here. You’ve dubbed her a crazy cat lady, given far too much detail about her gay partner of 35 years (why is that important?), she sounds lonely and bored and obviously has far too much time to worry about and magnify her health issues. But there are kinder and gentler ways to have addressed the wasting of resources with her. you

Finally, you moan about your mom moaning to you about this woman moaning to her? Your mum didn’t actually want a solution to the moaning because she enjoys being able to moan about it herself. She sounds the same as my mum who goes on and on about friends and family I barely know or care about and I just nod and say oh dear, really, that’s shocking and change the subject - I don’t dive in and give all her friends a good telling off about their behaviour.

TFBundy · 21/05/2019 14:27

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youngfreeandnotsingle · 21/05/2019 14:29

Do not apologise, there's constantly people that waste NHS resources and think about people who actually needed the ambulance that instead went to her cut leg! If she thinks the doctors are ignoring her, maybe she should take a hint!

MightyDonut · 21/05/2019 14:30

My mum has a sister like that. Every single day there was something else wrong with her. I swear she had devoured a medical encyclopedia!
Until one day my mum lost patience with her and snapped ' it's not your body that needs looking at, it's your bloody head!'.
Relations have been somewhat strained since.

BettysLeftTentacle · 21/05/2019 14:30

OP on the outside it does look like a case of an idiot time waster. However, to others that work with people every day, she looks like one of those patients that has significant issues that needs social care provision and is just slipping through the net because ‘there’s nothing wrong with her’.

Her husband killed himself and her partner died. How many years ago that happened (you’re showing some real ignorance there) is irrelevant. She’s been through some serious trauma and this often presents in unusual ways such as health anxiety. She’s going to have have a multitude of things that need seeing to really but because a lot of people like you don’t believe these things are real she won’t get any help at all.

I never called her a mad cat lady to her face. If I wanted to be really bitchy I could be. - too late mate.

echt · 21/05/2019 14:31

Okay, echt I will rephrase.It's been in crisis of one form or another since its inception in 1948. I still don't think the OP's mother's friend will topple it alone. Better?

Not really, no. What crises are you referring to?

IronManisnotDead · 21/05/2019 14:35

@youngfreeandnotsingle 999 calls are triaged, so if her call was categorised and a ambulance sent, then there is clearly a reason why.

Putmyfootinitthistime · 21/05/2019 14:37

Did you not see the part where she was explaining how she hammed up her symptoms to get an ambulance?

OP posts:
BettysLeftTentacle · 21/05/2019 14:39

That makes no difference at all. Behaviour like this happens for a reason. She sounds like a very unwell lady.

TFBundy · 21/05/2019 14:49

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Tropicana1 · 21/05/2019 14:49

@Putmyfootinitthistime but once at the hopsital if it really was a minor nothing cut they wouldn't have taken bloods, or suggested the need for antibiotics.

Did you know that Bartonella henselae is a bacteria carried in the mouths of cats that can cause infections so severe you can lose a limb? If one of her cats contaminated the cut on her leg then actually yes she could be at high risk for a really severe infection.

PonderingPanda · 21/05/2019 14:54

Good for you OP. I'd also be cutting yr DM off when she starts moaning about her DF as she is just as bad....i.e always going on about the same stuff

Putmyfootinitthistime · 21/05/2019 14:56

@Tropicana1

Not arguing but it still didn't need an ambulance, A&E or a physical visit to the doctors using an on the day emergency appointment when phoning for the blood results would suffice.

I know for a fact the surgery have tried to explain similar to her in the past because she's moaned to mum about it.

Nothing is getting through to her and pussy footing around hasn't worked.

OP posts:
IronManisnotDead · 21/05/2019 14:59

@Putmyfootinitthistime you are out of order end off. I would rather spend all shift attending calls to a clearly anxious old woman than attend calls to people who have toothache or period pain but have not taken any analgesia, or those who just want to use the ambulance as a taxi.

HappyHammy · 21/05/2019 15:00

You may not know anything for a fact at all. You only know what your mum tells you. Why us this bothering you so much. Do you feel bad about trying to embarrass her.

DameFanny · 21/05/2019 15:01

Surely if she had health anxiety she'd have put her leg up on the sofa being genuinely scared for her health, rather than tramping round in bushes for the cats and shouting at doctor's receptionists?

She sounds inordinately selfish to me, using the NHS as a diversion - especially as she has friends and other activities she could do instead

BettysLeftTentacle · 21/05/2019 15:03

Is it so hard to believe @DameFanny, that when dealing with human beings, situations aren’t as black and white as you might like to think?

DuckWillow · 21/05/2019 15:04

The ambulance service don't just take patients to A&E if they don't think they need to go. They give treatment and advice in the home of that's all that is needed. The fact they took her suggests they were privvy to information you are not. So moan away but on this occasion she may have been taken in quite legitimately.

BettysLeftTentacle · 21/05/2019 15:05

What did you want from this post OP? A clap and a pat on the back for being such a wonderful stand up human being for calling out those selfish time wasters? All your posts are showing is that you have absolutely no idea how situations like this come about and how they need to be dealt with.

DuckWillow · 21/05/2019 15:06

Good lord... some of you here need to stay well away from working in mental health services.
This woman needs social support which she isn't getting. This is the result of that.