To have de-friended this couple

[MummyEmoo]

Have NC'd for this.
DH and I been married over 10 years. His close long-standing friend who we'll call Andy was best man. My DH was best man at Andy's wedding to Laura.
We don't see Andy and Laura very regularly though do see them from time to time but when their son had a chronic condition (now largely resolved) we would send gifts, we helped with fundraising, donated money and gave up time to help at fundraising events. Not sure what happened to the money they raised but that's a whole other subject!
My DH who was newly self employed gave up a day of work to help them move house. They appealed for help on Facebook and only my DH and one other helped. He worked like a Trojan all day driving back and forth. Twice recently Andy has called me at length for legal advice, not even for them but for people they know who've got themselves in a fix.
Last summer I organised and paid for a weekend away for a big birthday. Invited Andy, Laura and their 2 DC. Had about 14 families in total I think. After much uncertainty they eventually came, empty handed - not so much as a card - fine but I only mention this as it has recently dawned on us they are takers in life. They ate, seemed to have fun, brought along another child I'd never met or invited and left the next day without a thank you.
Fast forward to now. We've had a rotten year in which I lost both parents - one just before my party weekend and the other earlier this year but we're coping.
Yesterday I looked on Facebook to find that Laura had a big birthday party night the Saturday before last. A big affair with a lot of guests - apparent from the photos. We weren't invited, knew nothing about it.
DH is as surprised as me that we didn't make the guest list. Obviously 80 or so others were more important.
They can invite who they like, I get that. But in a hissy fit of pique, and general annoyance at how one sided the friendship has been, I unfriended both on Facebook. This is, of course, something I can't undo. I expect they will notice eventually as I post quite regularly. I don't regret unfriending them. DH is fine with it.
But my AIBU is am I silly to feel hurt over the lack of invite, and will we look daft when DH tells Andy why I unfriended them (if Andy asks)? You didn't invite us to your party sounds a bit snivelly.

So many people seem to have had or going through such horrible situation. We're not alone at all in this. I've learnt explaining to them backfires. They deny, dismiss, become aggressive, offensive and defensive irrespective of how politely and pleasantly I put it to them. Whereas, when pointed out to me that they were upset with any of my action, I used to apologise and reassure them that wasn't my intention at all. I'd then tell them how I value our relationship and to reassure them further I'd go the extra mile to cement our relationship further. But I found that my dealing with the such friendship problem was often not reciprocated. Then I knew they didn't trust me, like me, ... and that was enough for me to cut them off completely and immediately. Some of them couldn't even digest this as a reason and would argue that I've gone too far with it but I used to explain to them that I wanted quality relationship to enhance my life and not shallow ones lacking trust and warmth, and at times infuriating or unpleasant ones which would cause me stress and anxiety. Then, often they would do anything to ruin my relationships with others and at times succeed but who wants 'friends' that are swayed like this!? After each of such experiences, I'd grief for a very long time because it was the death of something I thought to be so precious. The pain was enormous and long lasting. Now that I'm older, I just slowly but surely reduce contact and if asked I'd just say I'm rather busy with my own life at the moment practising Mindfulness and Meditation for my wellbeing. I would not apologise and hopefully they'll pursue Mindfulness genuinely to become kinder to themselves and others! This way, I wouldn't have to say a single lie or allowed them to affect my behaviour and I'd feel in control of handling myself and the situation I've been put in. I haven't yet lost the hope that we can surprise ourselves and others by behaving better. We all live and learn but some lessons can be so very painful specially the relationship ones.

Now that you've unfriended the on the FB they might have the cheek to ask why and You might feel you need to give them an explanation! I'd say to them how disappointed I was to find out that I wasn't considered a close friend to be invited to their party. That I believed that after years of being there for them we were much closer than this but I was wrong and that is why the best thing to address the issue was to scale down for their sake and mine too. I wouldn't raise my voice and would say all this politely, pleasantly and briefly. I wouldn't apologise to them or express hurt. If they tried to reassure me or try to arrange anything, I'd say that I need a bit of time and space at the moment, and hopefully they'll understand.

It is horrible when people behave so badly. I'm still working on how to deal with situations like yours and above is the best I've come up with so far. I'm sure there are better ways but I haven't found them yet.

Thank you everyone, it's surprising how many CF users there are out there!
I'm happy for DH to do his own thing with Andy. But he's had enough of them right now and I doubt that'll change. He's seen them differently over the last couple of years as he (and others) do feel that they've 'cashed in' on their son's condition. They raised a LOT of money but also certainly milk the system. I don't want to say too much as it's identifying but a close member of Laura's family has just been committed last week to crown court for trial on benefits fraud offences and while there's nothing to say Andy & Laura know, they also argue she shouldn't be prosecuted as they have a sick child and he'd miss her. The child isn't so sick now though having outgrown the condition and lives a life like any other child now.
So yes, I guess they're not our sort of people and we've seen the light! Maybe later than we should..... but every camel has a straw etc

OT sorry MummyEmoo, but to reply to #frikonastick, that is exactly what happened to our Daughter in her final year of schooling. Small group year, she received snapchat ? messages asking what she was doing, then that led to photos of her then best friend staying across the road with most other students from the year group, on a study date. No one had invited DD at all, but those Girls were quick to keep sending her snapchat messages and photos of their ''day''. Bunch of cows.

YWNBU at all!

Cheeky, rude fuckers.

You've been great friends. They've been dickheads.

Their loss and good riddance for you.

Crap like this does hurt though, even when it's people who you know are tosspots. So be kind to yourself.

you have done the right thing OP.

As you said, they’re takers, energy zappers. You’re better off without them.

That's horrible. De-friend from real life too. I would be SO hurt and upset by this, complete users. But also, what are you? Just people that they can pick up and drop.

Horrendous behaviour. Stick to your guns.

They sound awful. You’re completely in the right here!

Utterly bizarre why they wouldn't invite you both to the party!!!

YANBU OP

Exactly what Struggling says. I think you will feel ‘lighter’ now that they are no longer in your life. Enjoy! Life is short and the ‘takers’ don’t deserve any of our time.

They've sent you a 'message' - that they will take but will not give. So, yes, you are absolutely right to drop them. Sadly, there are too many people around like this.

If Andy asks for advice again, politely decline. If you don't want to tell them the ugly triuth, use whatever excuse you want with a clear conscience.

There are a lot of takers in life, you have been taken for a ride but you found out, good for you unfriending them both.

You have done the right thing, else this will go on for the rest of your life. I got rid of the takers who were always around for freebies and not when I was ill. It is not friendship.

Thanks all. They've seemingly not noticed yet and maybe they won't as they're so self absorbed
Definitely feel empowered

Short answer: YANBU because they are the largest of CF.

You did the right thing, no one needs that level of toxicity in their lives.

Sorry for the loss of your parents. Xx

I think if they ring up for help or advice all you need to say is you cant, your too busy and direct them to a service where they can pay for help. Keep doing this and they will soon get the message.
You don't owe them any in depth explanations about you ending the friendship.
If they rung on the mobile I just wouldn't return the calls anyway.

I think you should have ended it before now OP, they sound really bad users.

I'd tell the truth if they asked. The party was the last straw and made you realise they are selfish taking pricks, who never really contribute to the friendship anyway.

"It's dawned on us you take advantage of our friendship but actually you don't contribute anything. And to be honest we don't really like you very much." Head tilt, big smile.

They might not have the balls to ask you - because they will know why you've done it.
They could be like my ex-friend who i slowly distanced myself from over the past 9 months....she's noticed that i've blocked her on FB and left the FB groups she added me onto but hasn't asked why.
Instead she sent me a whatsapp a week ago inviting me to her house party and was talking like nothing has happened, as though we just haven't been in contact!

I've read it and ignored it.
Not going to even bother replying to her....her skin isn't thick enough for that message not to get through.

this is so hurtful.
I really am sorry for your loss and then for so called friends to do this.
Of course you hurt. But they are nasty loosers. You deserve better.

I think the issue here is Laura. I suspect she doesn't like you, or both of you, I'm sorry and she sees you as andys friends. Hence the uncertainty over coming to thr weekend, she didn't want to go, and why they came empty handed, women often carry thr mental load and do the gift buying or remind their partner to etc, she clearly elected not to get involved and left it to him and he didn't bother.

And this was her party so she didn't want you both there.

I think the friendship is between the two men, and to some extent Andy and you as his mates wife, and Laura has just being going along with it because she has to.

She knew you'd see the pictures, I suspect she will be relieved you've unfriended her and you won't hear anything, she will play it to Andy to prove why she doesn't like you and clearly the feeling is mutual.

What catfleas said. I love that!

You've made the right and healthy decision!

I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, you are seen as Andy's friends, not hers as such, but regardless, you don't need them.

If you are not "their" friend, then moving on is the best thing to do.

we are all busy, life takes over, it's hard enough to find time for your family and your real friends, you don't need to waste time with people like them.

I wonder if you will every hear from them again or not one day!

They're dickheads. I'm glad you de-friended them. If I was moving house I would never accept the help of someone I didn't consider to be in my top 80 closes friends.

We had friends that did very similar. You are not being passive aggressive in unfriending them, you're just avoiding further hurt and upset if you see any posts that rub it in. I unfriended a lot of people last year. Life is so much easier! I don't even miss their posts, a lot of them wittered on posting rubbish several times a day, it used to drive me bonkers! A few of them even friend requested me again!

If asked, I'd reply that you didn't feel that you were that close anymore and you were trying to reduce the huge number of people that were on your friends list. If he pushes the point and asks why you say they're not close anymore you can reply, well we don't even invite each other to parties these days..