To have de-friended this couple

[MummyEmoo]

Have NC'd for this.
DH and I been married over 10 years. His close long-standing friend who we'll call Andy was best man. My DH was best man at Andy's wedding to Laura.
We don't see Andy and Laura very regularly though do see them from time to time but when their son had a chronic condition (now largely resolved) we would send gifts, we helped with fundraising, donated money and gave up time to help at fundraising events. Not sure what happened to the money they raised but that's a whole other subject!
My DH who was newly self employed gave up a day of work to help them move house. They appealed for help on Facebook and only my DH and one other helped. He worked like a Trojan all day driving back and forth. Twice recently Andy has called me at length for legal advice, not even for them but for people they know who've got themselves in a fix.
Last summer I organised and paid for a weekend away for a big birthday. Invited Andy, Laura and their 2 DC. Had about 14 families in total I think. After much uncertainty they eventually came, empty handed - not so much as a card - fine but I only mention this as it has recently dawned on us they are takers in life. They ate, seemed to have fun, brought along another child I'd never met or invited and left the next day without a thank you.
Fast forward to now. We've had a rotten year in which I lost both parents - one just before my party weekend and the other earlier this year but we're coping.
Yesterday I looked on Facebook to find that Laura had a big birthday party night the Saturday before last. A big affair with a lot of guests - apparent from the photos. We weren't invited, knew nothing about it.
DH is as surprised as me that we didn't make the guest list. Obviously 80 or so others were more important.
They can invite who they like, I get that. But in a hissy fit of pique, and general annoyance at how one sided the friendship has been, I unfriended both on Facebook. This is, of course, something I can't undo. I expect they will notice eventually as I post quite regularly. I don't regret unfriending them. DH is fine with it.
But my AIBU is am I silly to feel hurt over the lack of invite, and will we look daft when DH tells Andy why I unfriended them (if Andy asks)? You didn't invite us to your party sounds a bit snivelly.

Definitely done the right thing!

Let us know when they twig lol 😆 it may be that they're so vain they check their friend 'amounts' and notice that way 😉

I'd really want to ask them why you weren't invited and make them squirm.... although I suppose CFs are immune to that kind of embarrassment.

I don't understand people like this. You've been such good friends to them, why don't they value you? Do they think they'll just find other people to sponge off easily? What utter twerps.

I am sorry about your parents. YANBU. I’m guessing they see the relationship as being between the two men. But considering your efforts with them - I also would have expected to be invited. What you have done is a positive thing - don’t waste anymore time on them.

Yes if the ask I'd seriously just ssh the friendship was one sided and you want to prioritise true friends

How selfish and thoughtless of them, sorry for your losses xx

I recently de-friended an old 'friend' and it felt so good! She wasn't sparking joy, so in the bin she went!

So sorry for your loss.

And you've done the right thing. I used to be friends with a couple like this. Used to being the operative phrase here.

I really do feel grateful for all these lovely comments. I'm not a new poster but have NC'd for this. Previously I had a lot of invaluable support (in another name) when I was staying at my DF's side as he passed away earlier this year and the going got very very tough.
I'm off to my first day in new job today, but will return later to reply properly.
Thank you!

If the Cfers contact you for legal advice, send them a list of your fees first.

Not silly at all. I've done the same recently, someone who I considered a very good friend invited me to an event at her house for one of those MLM type companies. I turned down the invitation as I couldn't afford any of the products on sale. Next day pics all over Facebook of her amazing baby shower. I know it sounds petty but if she had told me it was a baby shower I would have been there like a shot.

I also feel strangely liberated not seeing all her posts and also, now I've taken a step back, can now see what sort of friend she was. Very similar to your friend and not a very good one!

YANBU at all. I'd be hurt and angry too. It sounds like you've been really good friends to them through some difficult times and it doesn't sound like this has been reciprocated. I know you don't give to receive but friendship is a two way street.

It sounds like you have a wide circle of friends anyway (not sure I'd know 14 families to invite to a party ) so you probably won't miss them too much once the shock/anger have worn off a bit.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time recently

I had been friends with someone for 20+ years, kids grew up together etc. Things were a bit one sided for some time when I was contacted by her partner asking for pics through the years of our kids together, funny stories about her etc for a birthday party. I sent pics and a couple of anecdotes and waited for the invitation - which never came!!

That was the end of that friendship. I am still sad about it if I think about it (which isn't often), but not going to be on her Z list.

They've done you a favour.
I would have dropped them ages ago- manners are a huge deal to me and the lack of a card or a word of thanks would have been the point of no return for me.
There is, even as adults, an expectation that the longer the friendship, the more we need to put up with it. A friendship works both ways and they sound like cheeky fuckers of the highest calibre.
Move on op.

Well, that was hurtful of them. :(

There's nothing unreasonable about either unfriending people who clearly aren't friends or being hurt by hurtful actions. Try not to dwell on it and get on with life and if you ever have second thoughts, just remember how shabbily they treated someone who went above and beyond for them when they needed it - and when they didn't.

Those people are assholes.

my DH speaks to Andy regularly, including the day before this party and it wasn't mentioned

Do you think it might have been a surprise party?

I can sort of see where you are coming from, DH has an inordinate amount of friends and we all intermix, they are largely the c ore of our social group, but they are his friends not mine, there are times when I just get pissed off with the relentless sucking up of my time having to go to his friends - and their wives - birthday bashes. But I go and I smile like I'm expected to. When its my turn I have much smaller scale events so I don't have to have all DHs friends and wives.

Perhaps Laura just wanted her friends and her family at her party ? She is allowed.

ewenice I'm speechless. Some people really are completely clueless, aren't they?

The party would have been stuffed full of people who they're not quite sure like them yet. That's what people like that are like. They see friends as trophies - they just want to win them, they've no interest in maintaining an ongoing relationship, and it's a reflection of their own lack of self esteem that once they're sure you like them, they slightly lose respect for you.

You get to a stage in life where you realise life is far too short to deal with people like this. 100% YANBU and if they ask just reply "friendship is a two way Street "

I’ve had a very close friend come over on a weekend, spend hours bending my ear about her divorce, then raid my garden for lemons and mint and limes to take as ingredients to a party that had everyone invited to, except me. I only found out on Instagram the next day.

It's incredibly cathartic ending toxic friendships.

Sometimes you need to spell it out, other times just not returning a text or a phone call suffices.

It's a pretty ageless thing as well, my mum has just been through this and she is in her late 70's..made some new friends in the coastal town where she moved to, but they quickly turned out to be selfish, self absorbed needy and draining. I think she actually had to say that the friendship wasn't what she was looking for, and that it wasn't making her happy.

In your late 70's, you don't want to be spending time with people under duress!

How sad to have been used like that OP. Very hurtful. Sorry for your loss, I understand how dreadful the loss of a parent feels. 💐
My only hesitation on what you've said is that the two men (your DH and Andy) do go back a long way. So whilst I feel that you should absolutely go NC now, your DH has to make his own opinion, which it sounds like he has anyway. I think you are absolutely entitled to say that you want no further contact with them as a couple, but as for him and his mate, I'd see that as his business and judgement; though one would hope he'd see sense. I'd take their treatment of you as a slight from Laura to you; for some reason she doesn't like you OP, maybe it's jealousy or something - who knows, unfounded and clearly entirely her problem.

No you ANBU they sound dreadful and once you get over the insult of not being invited you can look at the positive that they are out your lives once and for all! No doubt she would have expected a massive present to boot!

I remember your last thread OP. I'm sorry that after a shit time your so called friends behaved so badly. Their loss. Enjoy your first day at your new job.