To be jealous of people with 3 children

[LovingLife0]

I have a 3 and 2 year old and DP and I have recently decided that we won't be having a third child. We have been talking about it for the past year but have made our decision primarily on environmental reasons.

Since making this decision I have become OBSESSED with families with 3+ children. For example I can't stop thinking how Kim Kardashian has 4 children and how many her children will have and all the carbon footprint. I also follow a few 'eco' families on insta who have as many as six children. As you can see I'm irrationally obsessed!! I KNOW everyone is entitled to their own choice and it's none of my business but I guess I'm just jealous!

I suppose I'm looking for advice on how I can move on from our decision to stop at 2 while not being jealous of people who go on to have large families?

I know it’s not what you asked but I think if you really want another child you should have a third. Maybe he or she will grow up and become an amazing scientist or engineer who really helps with the climate crisis!

You not having another child is going to do very little to save the environment. If you want and can afford another one then have another one.

Sounds like you’re not done yet!!

I think it’s about learning to be grateful for what you do have. Enjoying the moments right now, not planning for a future that isn’t going to happen. Not that I have the answer to this as I am also suffering every time I hear that someone else is having their second child. I have one DD, and I’d love another baby more than anything, but it took me years and many miscarriages to have one, plus I’m 40 next year.

I think you're making a good choice for a great reason. It must be hard - that's why so fee people do it even though they must know it's the best thing for the environment.

(Personally I'm only having one at most but that's because I'm old and poor)

It's a principled decision but it will do almost nothing to change things and it's making you unhappy. I think you should reconsider too.

This is a natural reaction to the decision you have made and probably your age and the age of your children.

Yes you could just do what other posters are suggesting and have another baby, in my opinion you should ignore them - the easiest path now will undoubtedly make for hardship in the future.

It will pass. It’s a natural stage and it goes away. Try some sort of distraction - every time you think about X thing, distract yourself with Y thing.

I’m not going to be one of those people who says you can’t possibly be sad about something because other people have it worse.

The difficulty is that the title of the thread really attracts the people who are jealous of people with three children. Which includes a whole lot of people struggling with fertility and loss. I’m not struggling, happily, but I am jealous of people with three children because I gave birth to three but only have two. Y’know? It does ring kind of hollow to be wondering about the carbon footprint of the Kardashian’s great grandkids, considering the audience your question will attract.

I love your reason for stopping at 2. Its so virtuous. Mine is different - and not at all virtuous. I have friends and family with a child/children with special needs. Even if I could cope with the extra work and expense of a third, I don't think I'd cope with a third with special needs. I don't want to take that risk.

How old are you both? Your DC are still very young and it's easy to say "never again!" when they're very small and the day to day care of them is more or less relentless.

Tell your DP how you're feeling, if you haven't already, and see if the two of you can make an agreement to revisit the decision in a year or two once the DC are a little older, the eldest is in full time school, and you're into the swing of things as a family of four. It'll help give you a clearer idea of whether you're happy to stay as a four or whether you would still like a third.

If you do still want a third and your DH doesn't then, ultimately, the one who doesn't want the DC gets the final say as you can't have half a child so you'd then need to think about whether you stay with him and accept that you'll never have a third child or whether you end it and seek out someone who does want another child.

For what it worth, there are lots of positives about having two DC and I say that as someone with four!

Also my family feels complete at two.

Reconsider. You don't sound convinced by your decision, and there are other ways to make a bigger difference to the environment.

I have three. We ummed and ahhed about the decision for a year or so, but I am so glad we went ahead.

Honestly, you having another child will not change much at this point. I wouldn't want to subject another person to the bleak future that the babies and young children of today will face though.

I feel bad now for saying you should try for a 3rd. You have clearly thought this through and made a decision which you feel is right and it's admirable that you can make such a big decision. I have three so that's likely to sway my judgment but there is part of me that wonders what it would be like to have 4 and I imagine for some people you are just never quite sure you are "done"

When they start school and you begin to get some independence back I think you will probably find the idea of another baby won't be that great anymore. I believe you outgrow the baby stage at some point and are ready for the next challenge.

Biology is working hard to make you want a baby 2 years after you last gave birth. That's nature

You’re in Europe
We have a declining birth rate.
You’re 3rd child will make no difference to the destruction of the planet!!
In fact it will probably help,

I have 2 and am completely and utterly satisfied. Your post suggests you're not - go for that 3rd!!! xxx. PS I've just made a postal vote for the Green Party in the European elections.

Think closer to home about potential negatives of a third child?

Would bigger house/car be needed – more expenses less parental time for each child – direct impacts on you.

In same way perhaps, it’s not the right time now rather than a definite never – unless you’re think sterilization for one or both fairly soon.

Time did lessen our desire for another youngest hit around 7 and suddenly that maybe wouldn’t it.

Time did lessen our desire for another youngest hit around 7 and suddenly that maybe wouldn’t it be nice that didn’t synch went for both of us.

Not sure what happened to end of post there.

I'd say have another one if you want. Not sure it will make a massive difference. Your third child might be a massive eco fighter etc!

However, I have two kids and one is now a teen. I am now very happy only to have two (and I wanted six at one time).

You do not need to decide yet.

I know how you feel. I had a hysterectomy a few years ago, for health reasons. Suddenly, everywhere I turned there were older women (ie. 40 +) people being pregnant. My youngest is in mid teens, and I didn’t want to go back to those baby days, but I still felt a little sad.

I think I was grieving the child I would never have.

I think wait and see if time will heal this feeling. If not, time for another discussion.

Yanbu. Dh is totally on board for 2 and unsure about 3. It's hard when you have that little niggle

Hi OP. I’m just genuinely curious - how would having less children be better for the environment? I’ve heard it a lot but I just don’t get it.

It it the idea that less people on the planet = less people to mess up the planet, pollute etc.?

On an individual level why not have a large family but just have your goal be to educate them on how to lessen their negative impact on the environment and hope it’s something they will then pass on to those around them and their children?

And on a larger scale isn’t it people’s (and companies’) actions that are more important than the overall number of people on the planet?

If you actually want to stand by your decision and be content with it, stop the social media celebrity obsession. Just don't go there. Block those accounts. Find other things to focus on and enjoy.

I wanted a third. For all the wrong reasons. I'm always jealous. DH got me a dog. He's beautiful and I love him. I still want another. It's not going to happen.

I absolutely admire the selflessness of your decision. It is the ultimate sacrifice. Unless people actually make significant personal sacrifices, whether its accepting they can’t have the convenience and cheapness of fossil fuels, or totally avoiding single-use plastics, minimizing eating meat, or in your case denying yourself a child you would love to have, climate change is going to significantly affect the lives of the majority of the planet. It is people of principle who will change the world, one teeny tiny bit at a time.