To be jealous of people with 3 children

[LovingLife0]

I have a 3 and 2 year old and DP and I have recently decided that we won't be having a third child. We have been talking about it for the past year but have made our decision primarily on environmental reasons.

Since making this decision I have become OBSESSED with families with 3+ children. For example I can't stop thinking how Kim Kardashian has 4 children and how many her children will have and all the carbon footprint. I also follow a few 'eco' families on insta who have as many as six children. As you can see I'm irrationally obsessed!! I KNOW everyone is entitled to their own choice and it's none of my business but I guess I'm just jealous!

I suppose I'm looking for advice on how I can move on from our decision to stop at 2 while not being jealous of people who go on to have large families?

I was once told that a third child is a heart decision. I have 2 and dh wants to stop there. He has all these logical arguments like; they fit in the car, we can afford them, they get more of our time etc. Every argument he puts forward I 100 percent agree with. We should only have 2. But the heart wants what the heart wants. My family feels incomplete without this 3rd child that I love without knowing, without it even existing. So I have no advice. But I completely get it.

I’m sorry to say but 9 years on I still get moments like this when I see a family of 3 especially with a B,B then G/B combination and I feel like my heart is aching for what could/should have been. I do sometimes kick myself for not just ‘getting pregnant ’ as despite all his protesting I do think he would have been equally fab with a number 3.

Ahh well, 44 now so definitely not going to risk my luck now but this will be my one big regret in life . Ironically, if you asked anyone else including DH they would never know how much it bothered/s me as this is very much a grief & regret. If you feel you aren’t done, listen to your heart and go for it now before it’s too late.

I think there's a big lie peddled on here that 'you'll know when you're done'. It's bollocks.

We have 4dcs and it is fun and I'd never talk anyone out of it .. but even though we are already overstretched with time and money, and even though I'm one of 5 and think it was definitely too many children for my parents, my heart still craves more and I feel envious of huge families too.

If it's right for you, have a third. If it's not, don't feel that your desire for one is necessarily a sign that you're making the wrong choice. And definitely unfollow Kim and the families of 6, who are definitely not eco (we are very crunchy, do cloth nappies, buy second hand, don't fly, rarely drive etc and still our carbon footprint is massive, it's almost impossible to avoid when you have a large number of people living a developed country lifestyle).

Have you talked further about this with your DH?

If you want another child (which by the sounds of it you do) have one. I don’t understand how you think having 2 instead of 3 is going to save the environment? I mean don’t you have a car? Do you never fly? Do you grow your own veg? Rear your own meat to eat? Or are you vegan? I mean there are a million other things you could do if you were really that bothered about the environment, I don’t think 1 child less is going to make that much difference to be honest.

I understand how you feel about having a 3rd, we are planning to have a third next year, I’ve had to hold off trying until I start a new job, just waiting a year is really annoying me, the need to have another child is that bad. Totally ridiculous but I just know our family isn’t complete.

If you can afford it go for it, maybe give up the car though... hmm 3 kids, maybe not!

I have one kid. I'm not having any more. You can have my child credit.

You may not agree but I saw this tonight and it are me laugh out loud....😂😂😂

I have two dcs. I wanted 3 but DH was against it.

What do you do to accept it? You let yourself grieve for the child you thought you wouod have, the one you are yearning for but won’t have.
Even better if your DH ca accept you are grieving and sad/angry/deflated/jealous.
This will pass with time.

Each child has a huge environmental impact, fair enough if it doesn’t bother you but studies have shown that 684 teenagers would have to recycle for the rest of their lives to counteract one child. The environment is a real problem and the earth just cannot cope

I made the same decision and I focused on the fact I am doing it to help preserve the earth for the two children I do have

There is a 5.5 year gap between my second and third child because my DH and I kept debating the pros and cons and finally decided to have a third. I love having 3
so I say go for it! To a pp re climate change/carbon footprint, ironically ours is less with 3 than 2. Can no longer travel abroad and gave up the car and walk everywhere because we can no longer afford holidays or a car.

If you give a shit about the environment then you would have ZERO children!!!

Having 1 or 2 or 3 makes no difference.

Sounds like you should have another baby...

Thank you so much for replying and sorting out my thoughts for me!

Just to clarify, the reason for not having 3 is not so much how the 5 of us live but the future children that 3rd child might have and then their children - it just has the potential to add a lot of people into the world to use resources. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it but there seems to be so much telling me not to have another atm.

Also, sorry if I've offended anyone. I am truly grateful for my two and don't want to seem greedy x

Following as my second child is only 3 months and I crave a third! Not right now, but I just don't feel "done". DH is though.

Agree about environmental factors though. I disagree with PP that you should wait until your other DC are older, then see. If you still want a third now you have a 2 and 3 year old, I say go for it.

If you want another then have another.

Don't sacrifice your own happiness at the alter of environmentalism.

I have one child and biology decided that I wouldn’t have another. I made my peace with it because I felt that the time I spent lamenting the ‘loss’ of the second child I always imagined I’d have, would be better spent making the very best of the time I had with my lovely one and only. I know that probably sounds very worthy but, honestly, if your mind is made up then there is no choice but to just get on with it, you will drive yourself mad otherwise.

If I really wanted a third, I'd have one and give up meat or cut down on use of cars/planes etc to make up for it. Basically it isn't the future generations we need to worry about - it is preserving the world for the immediate next generation.

One fewer person makes a huge difference

Have as many as you want but don’t underestimate the impact of it and certainly don’t think walking or not flying counteracts it

But the small things are also good one or two veggie meals a week, walking more, flying less, reusing towels/clothes, hang drying clothes, recycling etc are all small steps

We currently need 1.7 earths to be sustainable. I justified 2 because there are two of us so replacing us almost. I still occasionally wish for an accidental pregnancy but I know the decision is right for the two I have

I’ve got 3. We aimed for two but had twins.

Honestly I find it very hard. While I love my kids utterly, I also wish we didn’t have this many. I know how terrible that sounds. But having three pre-schoolers has made life very difficult in all manner of ways.

I’d have preferred to have had 2 kids.

Hi op, i think it's going to be tough, I can only have one due to issues from first birth, I hoped for two, but sadly it's not to be!
I'm still trying to get my head around that.
I think there's always somebody worse off for sure, I remind myself daily how lucky we are to have our only, there's many that can't have one.
So I say if you want three, then absolutely go for it! have the family that you both want!

I think be glad to have that choice! It sounds sensible for your circumstances you don’t sound as wealthy as Kardashian’s.

Some can’t have one (me included) and have to settle being aunts, god parents, mums fun friend, rather than mother.

Concentrate on being strong happy parents rather than what you dream as if obsessive about what can’t have (due to medical or financial reasons) will Drive you crazy. You have gorgeous children enjoy them xx

What drivel on these responses. I don't think this is the way to make any decision, so OP I suggest you ignore all of us.

For me there are 2 really critical and connected questions about having any child - do you have the capacity to parent, and can you justify your need to replicate (define as you like)? My point will really annoy some people who think they're doing just fine but in my observation of a very large numbers of families, most parents don't do a great job if they have more than 2 kids.

3 is lovely, but can your car fit 3 car seats? Can you afford to replace your car (or both cars if you have one each)?
Where is everyone going to sleep?
Do you have space downstairs that they can all use to play/ do homework etc?

Holidays get massively more expensive with a 3rd child, and most 'family tickets' for attractions are 2+2, same with meal deals. 3 lots of childcare fees can be horrific, and classes can be expensive.

We'd planned for 2 and had a surprise 3rd, and while I wouldn't change anything, I do feel a little sad at times that there are things that we just can't do with 3 that we could with 2, and there is the ever present guilt that no one gets as much attention as they should.

Ok I am guilty of not RTHT you seem able to have another than do it- I can’t have any so if want to justify in your head know I would have one if I could so your future child is welcome to take my non future child’s place!

Do what will make you & DP happy trust me the fertility issues are getting higher there will be a time where people able to have children will be encouraged to!

Also I am a child with 5 siblings only one of us has had one child!

I was you a few years ago. I had 2 kids a year apart in age and wanted 4 children but would have been satisfied with 3. I wanted them close together so no more than a 2 year gap between the second and third.
My other half was having non of it and wanted to stop at 2.
I was gutted and felt like one was missing. I still comment about having another one from time to time (kids are now 9 and 10).
However, secretly, he made the right call. We didn't find out until they were in infant school that both have special needs (autism plus other stuff). It's absolutely fucking exhausting dealing with it all and I think having a third child would have finished me off.