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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request they swap bedrooms?

114 replies

Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 18:13

My partners has a primary aged daughter (I'll call her SD even though we arnt married). We have one baby together. House has one equalish sized bedrooms, they're not huge, and one box room. Baby currently has the box room. When baby was born it seemed to make sense she would have the box room until a little older then they would swap. SD originally stayed with us half the week and this had been the case for a while and is actually court ordered (My 'D'P actually fought quite hard to get 50/50). Prior to baby being born SD started staying with us one night a week less, spending an extra night at her mum's because he though this was 'easier'. Over the last 3 months roughly SD has actually only spent one night a week with us, spending the rest of it either with her mum's or DP let's her stay at her grandparents for a night and most of the following day.
This arrangement doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon. Would it be unreasonable to expect them to switch rooms as SD only actually uses it for around 24 to 36 hours each week at most and has done for the last 3 months.
I feel it's ridiculous I'm trying to cram all the baby stuff into a tiny room when there is a much bigger room unused the majority of the week.
I havnt spoken to DP as I know he'll this I am unreasonable, and I am fully prepared to be told I am being by the mumsnet jury.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 18:14

Sorry for lack of paragraphs Angry for some reason my phone does not think they are necessary

OP posts:
Iooselipssinkships · 18/05/2019 18:16

I don't think YABU. Makes sense really.

PrincessTiggerlily · 18/05/2019 18:16

As baby doesn't care I would leave it unless there is some way that DSD wants to change rooms.

fc301 · 18/05/2019 18:17

It sounds sensible but it's a sensitive situation. You would need your DP fully on board AND for him to explain this to SD.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 18/05/2019 18:18

Yes Yabu.

It sounds like you are trying to phase her out, how much stuff does a baby need? it sounds like she is staying at her mums more since the baby has come along, have you asked why?

Pppppppp1234 · 18/05/2019 18:18

I think it might make your SD feel more pushed out, in her head new baby = see dad less.
New baby = lose bedroom

Baxdream · 18/05/2019 18:19

I totally understand why you want to and it makes sense but let's remember your SD has had a lot happen the last few months.
I'd see how things are at the end of the year. If she's staying so rarely then I'd do it. Let her pick the colour, new bedding etc so she feels included too

Summerorjustmaybe · 18/05/2019 18:20

How about new baby =new decorated room? Will a small dc really notice the size and feel reduced care?? She has a room at her dm's also!

AlaskanOilBaron · 18/05/2019 18:24

I'd give it some time for things to settle.

RandomMess · 18/05/2019 18:25

You just store lots of the baby stuff in DSD room...

If DSD complains then she has the choice of the box room with just her stuff in or the larger room but it will baby stuff in it too.

Effectively the larger room is a play room that DSD sleeps in.

IncrediblySadToo · 18/05/2019 18:26

Someone that’s there half a week and has another bedroom too, doesn’t need as much space as someone who lives there all the time and has bulky baby things to store.

Why not see if she’d like to redecorate the smaller room how she’d like it?

I’m not sure why you’ve had a baby with someone who reduced contact with his child to make life easier though. Make sure you’re not financially dependent on him.

Twickerhun · 18/05/2019 18:28

Why do you see her less?

I have a step child with a decent bedroom here even though we only have EO weekend access and my kids share a smaller room but for her sense of her position in the family we keep step child in the better room.

Coffeeonthesofa · 18/05/2019 18:28

Babies themselves don’t take up a lot of space it’s the stuff that they need. Is there space for more storage in your SD room or yours to keep some of the bigger baby items in then you just have the baby in the box room in a cot and stuff that is immediately needed. This would buy you a bit of time so not new baby - have to give up bedroom, scenario for your SD.

Wondering why your DP fought so hard for 50/50 then has given it up bit by bit, is this for your SD’s sake or to suit the rest of you?

Foxmuffin · 18/05/2019 18:30

I am in the same boat and have tried to raise this with DH and all he says is “but is DSS’ room”

DSS spends two nights a week with us and for context has severe SEN and does not play independently and therefore does not spend any additional time in his room other than to sleep. I’m adding this for context as he doesn’t value the space or assign any emotional attachment to “his” room.

Baby’s room can’t fit both a cot and a chair for feeding so will have to give up my bfing chair (which is a very small chair and not all that comfortable because of space demands as it is) when the time comes I can’t even see how baby’s room will fit both a cot and a changing table. Baby’s clothes are stacked up in bags because there’s no hanging space (I have suggested DSS and baby share a wardrobe in DSS room). DH insists DSS has a double bed too.

Although none of this helps you, just to say I understand and that it’s pure practicalities rather than favouritism IMO.

youarenotkiddingme · 18/05/2019 18:31

Are SD and baby both girls? Could they not share the bigger room and have their toys in there and then use box room as storage etc?

If they are boy/girl I would speak to SD and say you'd like her to be spending more time with you and would she like that? See what she says before then approaching the idea of room swaps. Explain bigger room with storage or smaller room to herself and decorated. Plus promise that baby will not be allowed to encroach on her space.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/05/2019 18:34

Does he not want to continue to fight for the 50/50 arrangement? I'd be asking myself some hard questions if my child suddenly didn't want to stay for long.

Pushing her out of her room isn't going to do much for relations. A baby needs a cot and place for clothes etc. A baby is by far the easiest for the box room as they don't play in their rooms etc or need a lot of stuff.

Notanidiot · 18/05/2019 18:34

It seems like your partner has lost some interest in seeing his daughter as often once it got closer to the new baby being born. You said he thought it best for daughter to spend extra night with her mother.

To make the daughter move into a tiny box when the baby would just sleep in it rather than play as the older child would do is unfair.

Your step daughter must be feeling that she doesn't belong in your family.

Nanny0gg · 18/05/2019 18:36

Why is your partner not following the court order he 'fought for' and still having his daughter half the time?

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 18/05/2019 18:37

How old is the baby?

I’m really wondering why SD used to be 50/50 contact and this is dwindling? I would be very wary about making her feel gradually edged out by the new baby. Having less contact followed by being moved into the smaller room could make her feel less important than the new baby. I’m sure that’s the last thing you or your DP want.

Littleduckeggblue · 18/05/2019 18:37

When me and DH moved last year, I automatically allocated the small box room to my SD, knowing that we were TTC and that the large bedroom would go for the baby. I told DH straight away that if we gave his daughter the box room now (she stays twice a week) we wouldn't be giving her something to then take it away when the baby arrived.
I'd go ahead and do it. Make it fun for her, decorate it all nice so she loves it. Makes sense giving the big bedroom to the child who actually lives there.

nocoolnamesleft · 18/05/2019 18:37

Agree that this would make the DSD feel even more pushed out.

Lucked · 18/05/2019 18:39

How old is the baby? I think things are still very new and I would leave it. Baby doesn’t need much more than a cot in their room until they are getting close to three so I think you should wait and see how things go over the next year or so.

Yes to storing stuff in SDs room if necessary.

EggAndButter · 18/05/2019 18:39

I think I would swap now.
Babies. I buy not need lots of stuff but toddlers do and that baby will be a toddler soon.
You’re not mentioning how old SD is but I’m assuming older by quite a bit (so probably less need of toys etc...). If she is spending so little time wth you, then I think it makes sense.

From my own experience with my own dcs, leaving too long makes things much harder too.

I have to say, I’m wondering why your DH fought so hard to get 50/50 share re his daughter only to stop actually flowing the courts order so he sees only her one day week....
That wouod make me uncomfortable.
As wouod the fact you are bracing yourself for an argument rather than a disagreement if you suggest swapping bedrooms.

callmeadoctor · 18/05/2019 18:40

Why has the 50/50 been changed?

VampireSlayer19 · 18/05/2019 18:41

How old is DSD?

Why is she not staying as much anymore?

Does she feel replaced by the baby? Did it start when you were pregnant?

If husband fought hard for 50/50 I don’t understand why he is so chill about not seeing her as much. I think that’s the most pressing matter.

If it is genuinely the DSD choice and not her feeling crap at your house then yes maybe ok but I find it odd she is not wanting to see her Dad and get to know her half sibling?