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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request they swap bedrooms?

114 replies

Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 18:13

My partners has a primary aged daughter (I'll call her SD even though we arnt married). We have one baby together. House has one equalish sized bedrooms, they're not huge, and one box room. Baby currently has the box room. When baby was born it seemed to make sense she would have the box room until a little older then they would swap. SD originally stayed with us half the week and this had been the case for a while and is actually court ordered (My 'D'P actually fought quite hard to get 50/50). Prior to baby being born SD started staying with us one night a week less, spending an extra night at her mum's because he though this was 'easier'. Over the last 3 months roughly SD has actually only spent one night a week with us, spending the rest of it either with her mum's or DP let's her stay at her grandparents for a night and most of the following day.
This arrangement doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon. Would it be unreasonable to expect them to switch rooms as SD only actually uses it for around 24 to 36 hours each week at most and has done for the last 3 months.
I feel it's ridiculous I'm trying to cram all the baby stuff into a tiny room when there is a much bigger room unused the majority of the week.
I havnt spoken to DP as I know he'll this I am unreasonable, and I am fully prepared to be told I am being by the mumsnet jury.
AIBU?

OP posts:
category12 · 18/05/2019 19:41

Why were you doing so much of the facilitating of dsd's visits? What's your dp actually doing? He sounds a lazy prick.

Nancydrawn · 18/05/2019 19:43

It sounds like he gets to do a lot of deciding: if and when he'll see his daughter; where the baby's things go in the house; when his mom will cover for his childcare.

VampireSlayer19 · 18/05/2019 19:44

Thank you for the update but it really does sound like your DP is abit of a dick!

Why were you having to collect SD all the time and he wasn’t stepping in when you couldn’t?

Definitely leave the room for now but storing some stuff or putting extra set of drawers in bigger room would seem more appropriate.

Is your DP not getting so much attention from his ex now you have a baby? Is that why he doesn’t care?

He sounds like a bad father, I really hope your DD doesn’t get the same treatment!!!

Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 19:45

He'll happily store his personal things in there, house hold or baby things are not allowed.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 18/05/2019 19:46

He'll happily store his personal things in there, house hold or baby things are not allowed
You’re problems are bigger than which rooms the kids have. What an arse.

stucknoue · 18/05/2019 19:47

I would suggest to leave things as they are for now, she'll already be unsettled by the baby and downgrading her room will emphasise she isn't as important. In a couple of years when the baby needs a bed then it would make sense if the contact has remained weekly. Babies don't take up much room and don't need much stuff (contrary to popular belief!)

Peachesandcream14 · 18/05/2019 19:48

Agree with the above poster, the bedrooms are a red herring, the real issue is your DP.

Trebla · 18/05/2019 19:48

Give DSD the choice. Explain that the baby needs more room and would she mind sharing some space in her room for baby things or have the smaller room all to herself for her own private bedroom she can decorate as she likes and is solely for her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/05/2019 19:49

He'll happily store his personal things in there, house hold or baby things are not allowed

Or what? He’s not the boss of you OP. It’s your house too and he’s jointly responsible for your baby.

SoCallMeMaybe · 18/05/2019 19:52

Men and their new families eh? Lovely.

He sounds a good one OP 🙄 you on the other hand sound decent. I fail to understand why your inability to travel impacted on his contact time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Alfiesmom15 · 18/05/2019 19:54

Logically it makes sense for the one living there full time to have the bigger room as generally they have all there stuff in there while the other only has half their things if that makes sense, plus as shes older shes probably not going have any bulky toys.... my sd has the smaller room in our house with a fully made bedroom which shes slept in twice in three years... (not us, a ton of stupid excuses from her mother being difficult, we moved from a 2 bed to a 3 bed after my son was born so she would of at least had her own room even though shes hardly ever slept at either house) however I do think before you recommend this change of rooms you need to find out why she doesnt stop at your house as much anymore... if shes alreadyfeeling like its not her home because of new baby, to kick her out of her room for the baby will probably make her feel a little more rejected tbh

Italiangreyhound · 18/05/2019 19:55

I agree with *RandomMess"

"You just store lots of the baby stuff in DSD room...

If DSD complains then she has the choice of the box room with just her stuff in or the larger room but it will baby stuff in it too.

Effectively the larger room is a play room that DSD sleeps in."

I'd be careful here not to upset your sd and to encourage her to get back to staying more often so that she doesn't feel pushed out by baby.

Foxmuffin · 18/05/2019 19:59

Sounds like your DP is lazy and was happy to have 50:50 whilst you were facilitating it by picking his daughter up and doing the travelling.

I’d be really disappointed and concerned. To me the way a man treats his child from previous relationships would mirror how I’d expect him to treat any other children. If he can’t be arsed with his DD it doesn’t say much for his future with your joint child.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 18/05/2019 19:59

I think PCohle at 18.57 has a very good point.
Did he fight for 50/50 just to get out of paying maintenance
As pp have said I think you have a bigger problem than changing bedrooms. Your 'd' p appears to be a very unpleasant person. He won't allow baby stuff to be stored in an unused room, does he always dictate where things are to be stored. Why didn't he help you with transport when you couldn't manage it.

MummaMooMoo · 18/05/2019 20:05

So another vote here for a big fat no, to the room change. The only reason it seems like an option to you is because your DH is pushing out his DD and therefore the room is being used less. This isn't a reason, he's being a terrible parent; he should have far more understanding of how that would make a child feel and you should both wonder what she's being told by her mum about why all this lack of contact came about as soon as you were pregnant. Sooo, the byproduct of your DH really failing his DD as a parent at the moment, shouldn't be that you also jump on the bandwagon & downgrade her in the family, further. Poor girl; you seem like the best thing for her in that house right now!

Go into SD room. Look at how you could vastly increase storage (sliding door double wardrobes can be huge storage for - relatively - little space), TELL DH that's what you're doing & talk to SD about it in a really positive way. Also if there are concerns about you going in & out, try to add shelves or something into baby room so you can have a day's worth of nappies/clothes changes or options/blankets all in there, so you need only replenish once a day rather than treat SD room like a walk in wardrobe.

Hope that's helpful! I had bike baskets hooked over the ends of my cot for everything I needed, until DD could stand 😂

JaneEyre07 · 18/05/2019 20:06

I recognise you from your other thread OP.

You have a DP problem not a SD problem. Just do it while he's at work. He shows you no respect, so do what's right for you and your baby.

TheresWaldo · 18/05/2019 20:09

What "babystuff" - babies don't have much. Older children have stuff.

Lindtnotlint · 18/05/2019 20:09

Don’t swap the rooms, it will send a horrible message to SD right now, just after a lot of other stuff. You can revisit in a year or whatever, right now the timing is awful. Contact down due to baby, room taken due to baby, it could land /really/ badly.

You may wish to consider swapping DP, however...

Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 20:15

DP doesn't drive hence me doing far more of the picking up and dropping off. He could get the train but during winter after school this would have been a bit of a long miserable and dark journey to do.
If I'm honest I suspect he fought for 50/50 as a control thing.
I realise he is a bit of a job, hence my other thread. This is just another issue I suppose.
Looking back, no he didn't really do a lot with SD actually, I did loads of activities with her and he kinda just hovered in the background. Now DD is here my time is obviously a little more stretched but during the time SD is with us I mainly look after my DD do DP can spend more time with SD although he I can't say he really does. He uses this time to "relax".

OP posts:
Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 20:16

We don't have loads of baby stuff, just even less space to put it!

OP posts:
Coffeeonthesofa · 18/05/2019 20:18

Haven’t read your other thread but I agree with pp’s The more you post the more it sounds like your DP is the problem, he was inappropriate with his ex was he trying to get back with her? Was having his DD 50/50 designed to show his ex how good a dad he could be, so using his DD as a bargaining chip? Then he had you doing all the pick up and drop offs so that made his life easier and you didn’t want a child of your own, even better. Then you fall unexpectedly pregnant, bit trickier to persuade ex to have him back, so he doesn’t see the point of having his DD 50/50, even though you are willing to help, so he just gives up his time with her bit by bit. If any part of this is true what a prince you have landed yourself.

Teddybear45 · 18/05/2019 20:19

I can’t believe you bred with this guy after seeing him with his dsd. He sounds like a terrible father.

floraloctopus · 18/05/2019 20:25

Keep the extra baby stuff in your room and leave the bedrooms as they are. Even if she isn't there much her room is her room unless you are intentionally try to push her nose out of joint?

Original poster
Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 20:27

Coffeeonthesofa... I didn't really look at it that way but I would say that is a good explanation as to why he is behaving this way. I have always suspected of him wanting his ex back though he will deny it and I havnt found evidence.
I didn't have a great deal of self respect or confidence when I met him, tbh he was an improvement on previous relationships Blush
Not that I should have to justify it, I didn't plan on kids, I fell pregnant accidently, didn't find out immediately and he did get his act together long enough to convince me a baby was a good idea I guess.

OP posts:
Absolutepowercorrupts · 18/05/2019 20:28

So he fought for 50/50, but isn't really interested in his daughter and doesn't spend time with her. He doesn't want the rooms to be swapped over and tells you you're being unreasonable to suggest it, won't have any baby stuff stored in it because it's not fair on his daughter. If I were in your shoes @Longestlurkerintheworld I'd be telling him to fuck the fuck off and also be preparing myself for single motherhood.