To request they swap bedrooms?

[Longestlurkerintheworld]

My partners has a primary aged daughter (I'll call her SD even though we arnt married). We have one baby together. House has one equalish sized bedrooms, they're not huge, and one box room. Baby currently has the box room. When baby was born it seemed to make sense she would have the box room until a little older then they would swap. SD originally stayed with us half the week and this had been the case for a while and is actually court ordered (My 'D'P actually fought quite hard to get 50/50). Prior to baby being born SD started staying with us one night a week less, spending an extra night at her mum's because he though this was 'easier'. Over the last 3 months roughly SD has actually only spent one night a week with us, spending the rest of it either with her mum's or DP let's her stay at her grandparents for a night and most of the following day.
This arrangement doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon. Would it be unreasonable to expect them to switch rooms as SD only actually uses it for around 24 to 36 hours each week at most and has done for the last 3 months.
I feel it's ridiculous I'm trying to cram all the baby stuff into a tiny room when there is a much bigger room unused the majority of the week.
I havnt spoken to DP as I know he'll this I am unreasonable, and I am fully prepared to be told I am being by the mumsnet jury.
AIBU?

I have been your almost exact position. The way around it for me was to swap them but give the step child a really cool room makeover. She was really happy and we freed up the space, I did it as a surprise although the room swap was mentioned so expected. You could get yours involved unless you definitely know what she'd like?

Prior to baby being born SD started staying with us one night a week less, spending an extra night at her mum's because he though this was 'easier'

The fact that this is his response to seeing his child less is alarming.

If I'm honest I suspect he fought for 50/50 as a control thing.
I realise he is a bit of a job, hence my other thread. This is just another issue I suppose.
Looking back, no he didn't really do a lot with SD actually, I did loads of activities with her and he kinda just hovered in the background. Now DD is here my time is obviously a little more stretched but during the time SD is with us I mainly look after my DD do DP can spend more time with SD although he I can't say he really does. He uses this time to "relax".

Wow! What a CATCH!
Get rid before the useless lump impacts on your DC life. He has already emotionally damaged DSD for life with his actions. Save your child. It’s not like he will actually follow through with the 50/50 arrangement he will fight for.

@Longestlurkerintheworld

If this is the case, then don’t think about bedrooms at the moment it’s a waste of time arguing with your DP about this issue just now. You need to focus on you and your baby and what you want to do going forward, your DP is not a nice man , it sounds like he uses people even his own DD. Don’t stay with him just because he’s not as bad as some previous relationships you have been in. You and your baby deserve better, as does his DD quite frankly, but she has her mum and her grandparents looking out for her luckily, so is not dependant on her dad

Unfortunately this is one of the things that worries me about leaving him, he kept up with 50/50 with SD for a very long time tbh. I worry he will fight for our DD 50/50 And I really have no idea what sort of contact he would be awarded. I do want DD to be able to see him consistently but I don't want the arsing around that goes on with contact with SD and I don't want my DD being palmed off on his family members instead of seeing him. ( I don't have an issue with his family members, just not them seeing DD more than him if that makes sense )

Whole situation is a bloody disaster, more I think and type worse it gets.

I think your DC should move out of the box room but into a different bedroom in a different house - one that you buy/rent when you have the sense to end your relationship.

If you decide to stay instead, I think you should reinstate 50/50 to ensure your stepdaughter doesn’t feel excluded and to help her bond with your baby. If you want to change their rooms round, wait until next year or a time when things feel settled.

I do have another thread running which is pretty much outlining me wanting to end the relationship. Since having DD I have transformed my life. I have ditched a dead end job, sought help for depression which I have suffered with for upwards of 15 years, I have finally got some joy back in my life. I have slowly begun building friendships again. I am no longer in debt and have savings. I have finally found some confidence and self respect. Leaving DP is sort of the last hurdle I guess, it's just proving mentally and logistically difficult.

I have no say what so ever in when SD comes so I cannot reinstate 50/50, I did how ever tell DP I was happy to continue (being a mug) picking up SD so he could continue 50/50 And at least then I'm not the reason he doesn't see her.

Makes sense to me. SD does not need two full sized bedrooms, as no doubt she has her own room at Mum's too. Just phrase it carefully.

And for all those saying no, she should keep it, sorry but nah, the majority time resident child with all of their belongings in the house gets the bigger room.

Although OP if he fights you for 50/50 what's going to happen then? 🤷

fiveredbricks - it either won't happen or won't last given his current form. The OP just needs to be a distance from him and refuse to transport, he doesn't seem able to make an effort.

If I split from him he will likely want 50/50 or more. He will drag up or make up what ever he feels like to make me look bad basically. He will be awkward and he won't be amicable. If tried ending our relationship before I found out I was pregnant and he wasn't the easiest then and eventually guilt tripped me back to him. It's easier said than done just walking away from him and I'm honestly just not ready for that right now, but I'm working towards it.

How will he have DD 50:50 if he can’t drive to see her? Sounds like it’s more about the fight than the outcome. I’m sure if you called his bluff and agreed he wouldn’t bother.

He got 50/50 of SD and didn't drive .. He did spend quite literally thousands though on going to court for that though and I know he can't afford to throw any money at all to take me to court. I don't want DD not to see him though and I wouldn't even know where to begin on what is reasonable contact time for her so I don't know what I should be aiming for I guess.

I doubt he'd get fifty fifty when he can't even be arsed making rhe journey to see his first kid.

Guys a waste of space. Get rid.

Poor kids being lumbered with that for a dad.

And no don't take this little girls room off her. It's not her fault she's not spending time there, it's her arsehole of a father can't be arsed to see her.

Keep notes on when he has sd, how long for, what he does with her, whether he is with her or another relative. If you have contemporaneous evidence that his idea of 50/50 is not what the Courts think it is, then that strengthens your case should he decide to fight you for 50/50 of your baby.

One thing to remember. He might have git 50/50 but he inky kept it because YOU did all the work. Now that you can’t, he isnt interested anymore.
If he was doing the same with you (which as you say might not happen if he doesn’t have the money), i suspect the same would happen. Fighting and spending loads of money to get the 50/50 (aka get revenge) but when it comes to actually doing it, he probably won’t if it’s too hard work.

He hasn’t kept up 50/50 with his DD which would be your main case for you to say he can’t have it with you!

I am sorry to be harsh earlier you sound lovely and you have really tried but he is the problem here not you.

Get your ducks in a row and get out of there- how much does he help with baby now?

I wouldn't request it if just tell them it's what your doing. It's your home after all and your child is there all the time why should all that extra space be sitting empty?

I remember your other thread. Get ready OP, and get out. If you do it whilst your dd is a baby then 50:50 is really unlikely. And you can use his track record against him.

If you are breastfeeding a young baby then I don't think there's any way he'd get any kind of custody at this age just some sort of visitation (I'm not an expert though).

Better to get out of this situation now whilst the baby is small and then there's no precedent for 50/50 and I expect by the time your kid is older he'll have lost interest (and probably on to the next woman he's going to knock up).

I agree with a pp though, keep a written track of how often his daughter has actually been at your house and how often you facilitate the visits (ie by pick ups), and how much interaction he had with his DD other than what it sounds like you're doing. If you can show the 50/50 is about control (and not paying maintenance) rather than him actually wanting to be a hands on dad I assume the court in future would be less likely to award it to him.

I think it would be lovely if your dd and sd could have a relationship.

You’re partner isn’t worth having, Hope you can move forward without him

Haha I try be lovely!
I am by no means perfect in our relationship but I do feel I'm the only one putting in effort now to make it work.
I am slowly gearing up towards leaving him it's just a bit difficult at the moment.
He works full time so I do most of the work with our DD, when he's around I still do most of the work I suppose and he just hovers in the background. I mainly do bed times, meal times and he gives her tea time bottle. I'm deffinatley the one who gets up if she cries etc. My family do all the childcare for my DD as his family have some health issues which would make having a baby for any length of time alone a little difficult until she's a bit older.

Baby only needs a cot. her stuff can be in any room

Leave him, he won't want 50/50, he has nobody to do the work for him.

Hope his ex takes him back to court to get her maintenance increased as he's not having his daughter enough now.

OP none of this is your fault. This man found you at a time when you were vulnerable but that doesn’t mean you have to be trapped with him.
He is very unlikely to get 50/50 custody given his failure to maintain 50/50 contact with his previous child.
It’s going to be very hard but you don’t have to stay. It’s not too late to start again.