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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To request they swap bedrooms?

114 replies

Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 18:13

My partners has a primary aged daughter (I'll call her SD even though we arnt married). We have one baby together. House has one equalish sized bedrooms, they're not huge, and one box room. Baby currently has the box room. When baby was born it seemed to make sense she would have the box room until a little older then they would swap. SD originally stayed with us half the week and this had been the case for a while and is actually court ordered (My 'D'P actually fought quite hard to get 50/50). Prior to baby being born SD started staying with us one night a week less, spending an extra night at her mum's because he though this was 'easier'. Over the last 3 months roughly SD has actually only spent one night a week with us, spending the rest of it either with her mum's or DP let's her stay at her grandparents for a night and most of the following day.
This arrangement doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon. Would it be unreasonable to expect them to switch rooms as SD only actually uses it for around 24 to 36 hours each week at most and has done for the last 3 months.
I feel it's ridiculous I'm trying to cram all the baby stuff into a tiny room when there is a much bigger room unused the majority of the week.
I havnt spoken to DP as I know he'll this I am unreasonable, and I am fully prepared to be told I am being by the mumsnet jury.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Yabbers · 18/05/2019 18:41

Wasn’t this question asked a couple of months ago?

Coconut0il · 18/05/2019 18:41

I don't think I'd do it yet, wouldnt want SD to feel pushed out but I would rearrange some storage so baby's things are in the bigger room.
Wardrobe, clothes, extra nappies and wipes... all but the essentials in the bigger room.

SoupDragon · 18/05/2019 18:41

I don't know about the bedrooms but your DP sounds like an arse. He basically started to ditch his DD when the baby arrived. Why "fight" for 50/50 if you're just going to dump the child later?

klendraa · 18/05/2019 18:44

YABU. it may make sense logistically but it sends really bad messages to ur stepchild.

Why don’t you have 50/50 currently? Also what happens if you get 50/50 again?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/05/2019 18:45

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PCohle · 18/05/2019 18:46

Your SD has seen massively less of her father since your baby was born and now you want to give her yet another reason to feel pushed out by the baby?

Why has your DP been letting her stay at his parents so much more since the baby came?

I don't think you trying to fit the baby's stuff into a smaller room is really what's ridiculous here.

Qweenbee · 18/05/2019 18:47

I think you could make the swap look attractive by bribing her with allowing her to decorate it how she wants and/or have something she would value.

Notanidiot · 18/05/2019 18:47

@Littleduckeggblue

So you have allocated the bigger room to a child that isn't yet conceived and stepchild gets the box room!!

These are the kind of actions that make stepchildren been resentful to and unwanted by their step-parents.

PCohle · 18/05/2019 18:47

IceCream it's not really fair to take OP's remarks from another thread out of context and use them to criticise her.

LagunaBubbles · 18/05/2019 18:49

What changed?

category12 · 18/05/2019 18:54

If he fought for 50/50, why isn't he keeping to it?

Instead of using it as a reason to take the dsd's room, I'd be wondering what's going on. If your partner has lost interest in his daughter then I'd find that worrying for your own child as well as disgusting, and if it's because your dsd isn't happy at your place, then you ought to be working hard to make it more welcoming for her.

PCohle · 18/05/2019 18:57

Did he fight for 50/50 just to get out of paying maintenance?

Missingstreetlife · 18/05/2019 18:58

I hope he won't dump your child like this if you ever seperate. She should be cementing her relationship with you and the baby. You can talk to her about the rooms. Are you likely to have more dc?

Aprillygirl · 18/05/2019 19:07

I hope this is not the case OP but it's sounding very much like your dsd is slowly but surely being pushed out since you fell pregnant with the baby. Do not chuck her out of her room on top of that Sad.

givemesteel · 18/05/2019 19:13

I think the mistake was ever having put the baby that's there full time in the box room compared to the child who is there part time, as it is akways harder to change things after and for the stepchild to not take it as a snub.

I think you should do it now as its going to be difficult whenever it happens.

But you should make the box room super nice with IKEA type space saving furniture and cool stuff she'll like, fairy lights etc. If it's like a lovely little den then hopefully she will just think it's cool rather than taking it as a snub.

But

ManchesterBorn · 18/05/2019 19:13

Keep the room as they are

Use one wardrobe from the older child to store baby's stuff. Older child doesn't feel pushed out, you have more storage space.

how old is older child?

VampireSlayer19 · 18/05/2019 19:15

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gamerwidow · 18/05/2019 19:17

Keep the rooms as they are I know it seems illogical for your DSD to have the bigger room from her perspective but look at it from her point of view.
Her dads got a new baby now and because of that baby he told her not to come round so much. Now because she hasn’t given him enough attention he has taken her room away.
She’s not going to see it the way that you do unfortunately.

Mothership4two · 18/05/2019 19:19

Your sd is not going to be thinking about practicalities, she will just know she has lost her room to a sibling that she may have mixed emotions about. She has obviously gone through quite a lot. Maybe when she and the baby are older, you could have a conversation.

You are not being unreasonable, moving makes practical sense, but just think about it from her POV.

If I were in your shoes I would be having a discussion about sd/rooms/baby etc with dh anyway - just to talk it through and get his view point and so he can know where you are coming from.

ManchesterBorn · 18/05/2019 19:23

how small is your box room? Can you squeeze a queen or king size in there?

You could also get one with storage/ drawers underneath and make it your own bedroom. How often are adults in their room really?

Put one wardrobe with adults stuff in each child's bedroom, it could work too.

Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 19:29

It was 50/50 until I got pregant, I changed my working hours when he got a new job to ensure this could still be possible and i have bent over backwards to facilitate this tbh. It is clear from the other thread our relationship has been rocky at best pretty much since the beginning however SD has not been the reason for this at all and changing rooms is not to exclude her intentionally at all.

DP was actually a really good father tbh, despite his problems right from the beginning of our relationship. I did everything I could to make SD feel wanted at our house and thought we had a pretty reasonable relationship even though I'm not a particularly child loving person if that makes sense? I'm not her mum but we were friends I suppose and our time together was enjoyable and we did loads of activities together, baking, crafts etc. I fell pregnant unexpectedly and I never planned on having children, one of the reasons I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy was how good a father DP was, despite his other faults, and how he had consistently had 50/50 contact for a few years at that point.
SD lives a two hour round drive away and due to extremely bad morning sickness I was unable to pick her up a couple of time (mainly motorway driving, so hardly appropriate to just pull over to throw up) this disrupted contact slightly for around 4 weeks and then it went back to 50/50 as the sickness subsided a little.
Two months before baby was due I also stopped making the long journey as I could barely walk and get in and out of the car, DPs mum helped out but again this disrupted contact a bit. During the early weeks of breastfeeding I struggled a little making the long journey plus I suffered post natal depression. Once I was back to feeling normalish I made it perfectly clear I had no objections to making the journey. So there was around 3 months I guess where I was struggling to pick SD up but he was still having her at least 2 nights a week.

Since then, for reasons I cannot fathom, DP just doesn't insist on SD coming religiously 50/5, I have asked him why, apparently it's just easier. He no longer has her one night because she stays at her mum's, I've asked why and I'm still non no wiser. The next night his mum picks her up from school and she's stays at hers so he doesn't see her till the next day. Apparently it's easier. I have no objections to going back to me picking her up from school and then picking DP up on our way home like we used to.
DPs mum will drop her off the next day and we will have her for the night and SDs mum will collect her the next morning. I honestly have no idea why DP agrees to this, I can't really get an answer out of him.

In relation to my other thread, step parenting isn't for me due to DPs l, in my opinion, innapropriate relationship with his ex wife amongst other things, not actually because of SD. As I said, I though we had an enjoyable, friendly relationship?

I think this has gone on a little long bit hope it clear up any questions?
Think I may leave the room situation a little longer then as it honestly is not my intention to push SD out st all, just seems a little silly having to cram all DDs stuff into a tiny room when the other one is only used such a short while.
I can't use SDs room for storage DP doesn't want that, again for reasons I cannot fathom.

OP posts:
Jux · 18/05/2019 19:34

I would start using the big room to keep some of the baby stuff in, eg the wardrobe, changing mat, whatever. Then as baby grows and needs more things keep them in there, toy box and so on.

Or can the baby share with sd and then the box room can be used fortorage or home office or something. That would be my preferred option and I would simply do that first.

Longestlurkerintheworld · 18/05/2019 19:38

For context on the size of the box room, the cot fits in there on one side with the drawers at the end. There is less than 2 feet gap across to the small wardrobe. Due to the position of the door and it opening inwards that is all that fits.

OP posts:
ManchesterBorn · 18/05/2019 19:41

I can't use SDs room for storage DP doesn't want that

too bad? would be my reaction. Unless he buys a bigger house?

If he doesn't want the baby stuff in there, you could still put beddings, towels and free some storage somewhere else.

gamerwidow · 18/05/2019 19:41

Does your DP not drive? We is it up to you and all the other women in DPs family to facilitate this contact.
Did he actually do anything with DD when she visited because it sounds like you did loads and he was just there.
Sorry but his not coming across that well here.