Won’t work but wants money!

[Manclife1]

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

@TacoLover true, but also it doesn't necessarily make her selfish or unreasonable for wanting a nice holiday.

I want many things and OH knows that. Some are doable some are not. Some are reasonable some are not. Some would require both us to make sacrifices we're not prepared to do. We still moan it would be nice to have them.

Why does the DW’s perceived ‘exhaustion’ at upping working hrs to 4 or 5 days trump the OP’s recuperation wishes to reduced to 4 days?
4 days each is an equitable split.
The DW is expecting an easier ride IMO as that’s just they way it’s been whilst the DC were younger, and I’m struggling to understand all posters defending this.
FFS these bloody lists of normal household tasks which are supposedly equivalent to working, are completely ridiculous. Just stop posting this ridiculous shite.

ReanimatedSGB The wife is working three days and doing domestic work. The OP is working five days and doing domestic work. Unless you have proof that the OP is not doing as much as they say then all your doing is making up a narrative and commenting on that to fit your argument. Based on my experiences of MN it is typically male OPs (presuming OP is male) that have their thread broken down in to minute detail and doubts cast about their version of events.

When I read threads from female posters complaining about the lack of responsibility their male partners have when it comes to household chores I rarely (if ever) see anyone doubt the OPs account or state that the dh is definitely doing more than she thinks.

the wife is working four days a week and doing domestic work.

She works three days a week and does exactly the same amount of domestic work as her partner... he wants her to work four and for him to work four so that they can have equal roles because he wants to spend more time with her and the children.. which you would know if you bothered to read the thread before making huge assumptions based on his (presumed) sex.

I see your point with the title but the title is clearly meant to mean that she won't work more to be able to afford the holidays she is complaining about. All aibu titles are clickbaity, that's how aibu works. You put a controversial title to get people to view your post. The OP might just be a misogynistic arsehole but it's unhelpful to assume based on a title that is most likely 'goady' to get traffic.

In very general terms, I was really surprised when I had to physically do things. Surprised at the amount I was actually doing whilst having g this feeling I was not doing that much and maybe not enough.
Surprised at the amount if energy I had left when I stopped doing so many if those domestic chores.
For me it said a lot. We sort if expect women take on most of the domestic chores. We all think its no big deal (men and women btw), not that hard and really how long does it take to make a payment?
And it's only when I stopped that I realise how much of a big deal it was.
And i think it's also only when I stopped that H realised how much of a big deal it is (and that's with standards that would not normally be considered ok. I'm talking kitchen floor not washed for months, dust accumulating in windowsill so much mould is appearing etc...).
The other side was how hard I found it to stop. I really felt I was lazy fir not doing all those things even though I couldn't physically do them. The idea that, as women, we ought to do all that and be responsible for it is so deeply engrained...

Wow. What a thread

Based on your OP and subsequent posts, you are not BU to want to look at alternatives to what you have now.

Either you reduce your hours and have less money, or she increases hers and you have more. You need to discuss it together - at the moment there seems to be some potential for resentment on both sides and actually that is more of a concern than whether you own a toilet brush or whether you take 50% or 53% of the mental load.

Good luck resolving this OP

I want many things and OH knows that. Some are doable some are not. Some are reasonable some are not. Some would require both us to make sacrifices we're not prepared to do. We still moan it would be nice to have them.

Yes but the difference here is that you would both need to make sacrifices; the OP is already working five days a week as well as 50% of the domestic, which he doesn't even want to do because he wants to spend more time with his family yet he has to to afford the bills because his wife refuses to change the split to make it more even.

So you see surely how it is quite rude and annoying to insist that your partner works more so that you don't have to then moan at him because he isn't earning enough to buy you a nice holiday?

Taco in general terms, I am very careful About any situation where we actually tell women they need to do more (working more hours, be independent financially etc etc) whilst paying lip service to all the household chores that are still not split 50/50.
I have no idea if the OP is dping half if the chores. Just as you don't. And tbh just as the OP doesn't either.
Until someone from the outside is actually recording what you do, every single one of those little chores, it's nearly impossible to 'know'. Having a feeling you do about half isn't the true picture (as I've learnt myself see post above).
Our view of whatis doing a lot or not, what is hakf or not, is coloured by our societal expectations.
I've always had the feeling H was amazing and I was getting away with murder because he looked after the dcs every other weekend (due to my work), was doing some housework with them and was doing the ironing.
Obviously, seeing that plus the other things like sometimes putting some washing to go etc... meant he was doing more than his fair share?
But he wasn't. He was doing nowhere near 50% of the parenting and chores. It didn't feel like this. Nor to me, nor to him.

I'm struggling to see how the domestic chores are split when DW is home 2 days a week- surely that would mean she does more just because she is home more.

My DH does more around the house because he's off more days in the week when kids are at school and nursery. I try and make it up at weekends but it's hard when all kids are home and DH is at work.

I fucking love MN sometimes.

It's like some weird other universe where buying birthday presents are considered equivalent to a full time job.

And did I really read someone compare doing laundry to paid, full time hours??????? Please.

We bang on about equality (rightly so) but then there's still so many women who frantically list
embarrassingly ridiculous tasks as reasons why they can't go out to work like we're still in the 50's.

We'll sit on MN and moan about how difficult it is staying at home to look after high school age children but heaven forbid we let the man do it when he wants to get involved.

How many SAHM's would honestly and truthfully have let their husbands be the SAHP instead if he'd wanted to be? I imagine not very many.

All this questioning of whether the OP is lying or not is bullshit as well. It's an anonymous forum where people ask opinions on various situations. Literally any post you go on could be complete bullshit and we'd never know. Yet we're all so happy to blindly believe it and offer our opinions based on what the OP has told us, until the OP has a penis of course. Then we'll bring out the statistics we've googled on the internet saying how men lie 87% of the time and women are never wrong, selfish or just plain lazy.

Get a grip, it's embarrassing. OPs wife having a vagina doesn't stop her from being a lazy fuck. I know it's hard for some of you to accept but there really are women out there who take the piss.

But no problem, carry on believing it's fair for OP to work 5 days a week and do 50% house work because his wife has to remember when Christmas is every year. Yawn.

I'm struggling to see how the domestic chores are split when DW is home 2 days a week- surely that would mean she does more just because she is home more

No necessarily. DH is working today and I'm not. I'm doing fuck all. Watching some TV, eating shit and looking at MN.

Being at home doesn't always = housework.

Itsbloodyfreezing- this is also true.

As an alternative approach are you able to work compressed hours through your shift pattern to allow you to work 4 days through a flexible working request.

I do this as a single mum and while hard work it's worth it for that extra time at home and with my son.

It could also allow you and your wife more time together which may help you reconnect and see each others perspective

I have no idea if the OP is dping half if the chores.

Exactly...so why are you so hellbent on insisting that he is lying or doing way less than he says he is instead of answering his actual question?!

Going back to his actual AIBU, he was asking if his wife was unreasonable to complain about how he doesn't take her on nice holidays that he cannot afford, whilst also refusing to work more to help afford this holiday she wants so much.

Keeping in mind he is being forced to work 2 extra days to pay the bills because his wife doesn't want to, even though he wants the extra day to spend more time with his family, are you actually saying that his wife is not being unreasonable to complain that he can't take her on a nice holiday

OP, cut back on the housework you do given she has an extra day in your view to do it. Book a modest holiday and explain why.
If you genuinely feel she isn't pulling her weight, then do it, without fanfare.

Turning your marriage into a joyless, loveless experience because of a few hours work here and there is not advisable, if on the whole she is working hard and contributing to the family in many different ways that are not always measured by a salary packet.
Cut back completely on your chores on the days she is home, you can put your feet up when you get in and she can take care of you.

Talk to your wife, nothing will ever be resolved on here. I would be prepared to hear her out, and listen carefully.

Taco my point was that THE OP himself doesn’t know!!!
Because it’s very hard to actually evaluate.

Maybe read the whole post and then comment around that?

Like the idea that NO ONE has a clear idea of how they actually really contributing to the work of the house/parenting etc...?

And he isn’t forced to work 40 hours.
He could also leave the relationhsip if it’s that bad (he does seem to have a lot of nice things to say about his dw afterall).
He coud chose to reduce his spending and his lifestyle and adjust it to him working 4 days rather than 5.
He could actually TALK and communicate with his dw instead if demanding things. He could listen to her reasons. Which he hasn’t been able to actually give.
There are plenty of possibilities but he certainly isn’t forced to work 40hours a week.

"He coud chose to reduce his spending and his lifestyle and adjust it to him working 4 days rather than 5."

"THEY coud chose to reduce THEIR spending and THEIR lifestyle and adjust it to him working 4 days rather than 5.

There, fixed it for you.

NO ONE has a clear idea of how they actually really contributing to the work of the house/parenting etc...?

K... I'll look out for you posting this the next time a woman posts about how much more she's contributing to work of the house/parenting.

And if his wife is refusing to work more and they can't afford for OP to cut down and still pay bills etc... then he is essentially being forced to continue by his wife's refusal. But that's okay because she's a woman.

"Fairenuff

'Editing and backing up family photographs'

That important weekly chore that stops you going out to work grin"

Geez I think the OP has really gotten a rough time here, it only highlights how sexist many Mumsnetters are.

If your wife wants better holidays are then I assume she knows who to ask for more hours at her job.

Lovely OP letting people slag your wife off, now that's a nice loving person

Thanks to all who have offered some balanced insight and different opinions which is what I was looking for. I’d always intended to discuss the matter with my with I just want some views from people in similar situations.

For those adamant I couldn’t possibly know what needs doing to run a household you have my sympathy.Living such a small minded life must be pretty limiting.

If nothing else this post proves that there are some SAHP who are just as bad as those in paid employment at making really easy jobs sounds complex and difficult to justify their own existence.

Thanks

to justify their own existence.

And any sympathy or understanding I might've had is gone.
You're a twat.

your I second your post. I hope your poor wife is planning to leave you as she can’t justify your existence any longer, then you get to do 100% of the donkey work pal. Point scoring against yourself all the way.

Seems this thread has definetly hit a nerve.

I mean cmon, some one even said it was a weeks work just to do laundry for your average family. On what planet is that true?

Hoping his wife leaves him is a mind boggling over reaction to him calling it out.

Lovely OP letting people slag your wife off, now that's a nice loving person

Do you post this to all the women who come on here with grievances about their DH/DPs and a multitude of posters jump in to agree with her and slag him off? How is this any different? Or is it only ok in MN world for women to do it?