Won’t work but wants money!

[Manclife1]

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

No relevance of graphista being a long term poster.mn is not time served members club
Opinions are tested by those who read them,based on content of post
All are able to agree or dispute a post it’s not on the knowingness of posters name

I haven't read the full thread (apologies!) But I have 3dc aged 15, 13 and 11. I went back to work FT 8 years ago. DH also works FT. I did it for kinda selfish reasons, but it can be done. Now the kids are secondary age we have a lot more freedom. But I do know some women feel differently, that they need to be there for their dc. I didn't have the option of having my DH working pt

@SpecterLitt you said exactly what I wanted to. The OP bashing on this place, particularly if the OP is perceived to be a man is disgusting.

OP i hope you can have a constructive conversation with your wife about this regardless of all the stupid comments on here.

I also read back a few pages and maybe the issue is that the OPs DW finds her JOB exhausting.

Maybe it’s her job she finds more of a problem than OP. This might be because of her personality/ability OR potentially people at work treat her differently. I don’t suffer workplace discrimination but there are jobs where some people who don’t ‘fit’ into the workplace culture for reasons other than their work output, find it harder.

Doesn’t really answer the question about holidays being prioritised over OPs relationship with children - which seems quite unreasonable to me.

There's a particular type of man who seems to get at least an intellectual boner out of coming onto MN and persuading a lot of women to call his wife a cunt and a failure and a useless lazy bitch

And that's different from the female posters who come on here to get agreement on how much of a dick their male partner is? Is it an issue that, what I presume is a male, has come to MN to vent?

I will happily agree that statistically women do more housework and take on more of the mental load, however not every family fits in to this statistical mould, so surely the OPs account should be taken at face value? No matter what agenda people want to push, or personal experience they want to relate to a thread, the only people that know the true set up is the OP and their wife so people should judge based on what is in the OP, not what is statistically more likely.

Fullhead - I'm single so I'm not being influenced by my own situation at all. I'm going by what I've experienced (though ex's leanings towards laziness were nipped in the bud early on), witnessed in other people's relationships - including single sex ones where one woh ft and the other either works part time or is a sahp - and read (on mn yes but also several articles and research over many years).

I know a few men who truly pull their weight on the type of work being discussed. The only men I know like this are ones which are/have been single rp dads or sahd for a significant amount of time.

And clearly as I'm not the only one sceptical about op's claims I'm not the only one with that type of life experience.

I also find it interesting that despite several pps wondering and I think a few asking outright, op hasn't commented on his wife's health or what her paid job is and what his paid job is.

I'm guessing from certain comments he's made that the wife's job involves shifts and quite possibly involves a fair amount of physical effort. Harder to guess at his possible job.

"Sadly these wanky men seem to get more success with that tactic nowadays." I agree, it's a fairly transparent tactic and op has at times appeared to be angry the thread didn't all go in his favour that we all decried the wife as a lazy harridan!

Any poster is welcome to AS me and will see that I don't universally criticise men or op's. AS can be very illuminating.

Op was off for 3 months so now knows what's on the lists. Apparently he didn't before that.

Also not really sure how you working a day less and her working a day more increases money.

I work 20 hours a week and DH works 40 plus hours.
Even secondary school children need taking care of.

Maybe she wants a complete change to go self employed or something- quite a few people do at mid life (as you have teens it seems would be mid life'

there's nothing wrong on not wanting a boring possibly stressful 9-5 job, my DH and I support each other in our choices, with self employment etc even if it does mean a drop in income etc for a while. Some people support their OH through university or some people maybe can't work through illness, (you never know when things might change)

I suggest you focus on being grateful both of you can work, and maybe start to think about you both want from jobs, instead of this anal, controlling focus on 'days at work' etc.

As previous posters have said, you both working 4 days isn’t going to increase the amount of money you earn.

Also, I know a few men who claim to do 50% of the household chores but if you speak to their wives they tell a very different story. I would write a list of everything you each do over the course of a week to see if that’s really true. There are hundreds of little tasks that people take for granted which make for a huge mental load, usually on the female partner. For example, who has to remember to buy birthday gifts for your kid’s friends? Who packs the kids clothes when you go on holiday? Who makes sure you don’t run out of shampoo? Who takes the kids to the GP and dentist? Who has to handle the emotional needs of your kids if they come home from school upset or angry? Who organises the payment of school trips? The list goes on and on but these are the kind of things that get overlooked.

Also, don’t underestimate the amount of work required for one person to do all of the laundry for a family of 4. That’s a lot of clothes, school uniforms, sports kits, 4x bedsheets (plus the time taken to strip the beds and put clean sheets on), 4x towels plus all of the ironing and putting everything away again when it’s clean and folded. I imagine that doesn’t all get done in one day unless you have multiple washing machines.

Also, you say you like your job. Perhaps she doesn’t like hers?

The type of woman who finds working 3 days and only doing 50 percent of the household chores hard isn’t going to be able to cope with anything extra added to her plate.If this is a real sticking point for OP the only choice left is to leave and find a more suitable partner.

So have you spoken to her or not OP? Your time would be better focused actually talking to her rather than replying to every minute point on here. Good luck!

BigBadBarryatemyboat
I agree.
Statistically more men may well be lazy and expect their wives/partners to pick up the slack, but it doesn't mean my situation where DH and I split 50/50 doesn't exist & thats a similar set up in our friendship group. As such, it's not beyond the realms of possibility for other people to have the same idea of equality.

Some on this thread are a most adamant that nothing can possibly be 50/50 because of statistics. Large scale trends are just that. Could you imagine if every OP on mumsnet was rubbished if their experience deviated from some statistical norm?

Smiler88

So have you spoken to her or not OP? Your time would be better focused actually talking to her rather than replying to every minute point on here. Good luck!

I agree. OPs wife is the person to discuss this in depth with, not loads of random people on the Internet, none of which have a true unbiased picture of what is actually going on.

And for all the people expressing shock at the fact that some posters (myself included) aren't just taking the OPs word for it, when he/she is giving his/her side or the story......

On almost every thread on AIBU, people question the OPs version of events....
"There's more to the story OP."
"Would like to hear the other person's side."
"Nice drip feed there."

Of course people on the Internet lie, or at least put themselves in the best light when recounting their side. Nothing wrong with questioning it at all.

If you drop a day at work and she adds a day, how will it make you any more able to go on holidays?

For all those that say it’s easy to work full time and properly parent usually have just the one child, usually older, and they have completely lost sight of what it is like in the younger years, and with multiple children.

We know absolutely nothing about the ops wife, her health, age, job or the fact her concerns for her child’s health may well keep her awake night after night.
It is pretty disgraceful for posters like teddy to suggest she is in some way inadequate for having the temerity to express how exhausted she is, and that op should find himself a ‘suitable replacement’ ?!!!
I can only assume this thread has been infiltrated with some very angry little men.

Other posters have suggested we haven’t husbands that do their 50% share?! The point is that ops wife is struggling, she has been honest and open about this. If you are struggling and exhausted you might long for a holiday too no?

Women are not robots, the health and well being of his/her family should the ops number one priority, not the petty point scoring of how many hours you worked last week in your paid role down to the last second you worked last week down to the last second, it is a childish and damaging way to live.

I wouldn’t want to be in a ‘partnership’ like this under any circumstances.

It's always men who post threads like this, though.

Have you actually read this thread properly, including the OP? It's about their wife complaining about the lack of holidays while simultaneously refusing to work more to be able to afford said holidays. How is that not unreasonable behaviour??

The point is that ops wife is struggling, she has been honest and open about this. If you are struggling and exhausted you might long for a holiday too no?

Literally where has she said that the OP has said that she is fine now, but she is saying that she 'wouldn't cope' if she worked one extra day. Where is the evidence here that she is struggling and exhausted(despite working less than the OP and still doing 50% of the work)? Or are you just assuming that to support your points?

You are twisting the OP's words. Also, saying a holiday might be nice/longing for a holiday is to some extent reasonable. Complaining(which the OP has said she is doing) that you cannot have a holiday while also refusing to help afford the holiday is another matter.

not the petty point scoring of how many hours you worked last week in your paid role down to the last second you worked last week down to the last second, it is a childish and damaging way to live

Do you have a problem with reading comprehension? When has the OP done this?! The OP has said, why is my wife complaining about the lack of holidays when she refuses to work more to afford a holiday. Not 'I work two more days than her therefore life is unfair'

"Nice holidays"

That could simply mean an AI or half board holiday, or a hotel instead of caravan so she doesn't spend a week away still cooking,cleaning,doing dishes etc. For some women going on holiday just means same shit different location.

Ofc she could be talking about a 2 week Caribbean holiday because Spain is beneath her,but i somehow doubt it.

That could simply mean an AI or half board holiday, or a hotel instead of caravan so she doesn't spend a week away still cooking,cleaning,doing dishes etc. For some women going on holiday just means same shit different location.

Well that doesn't really affect the issue, because the main problem is that they don't have enough money for what their wife considers a 'nice' holiday anyway unless she works more.

Indications that OP is probably trying it on start with the title. 'Won't work' FFS the wife is working four days a week and doing domestic work. OP appears to want to give the impression that the wife just lies around all day, maybe stirring herself to get her nails done.

ReanimatedSGB

I thought the same. Terrible title, encouraging people to have a particular opinion straight away.

Well, maybe if the OP's wife chooses to divorce him over his controlling ways, he will get everything split fairly then. No need to post then [smiles]