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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won’t work but wants money!

626 replies

Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 13:49

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

OP posts:
Justanotherlurker · 17/05/2019 21:13

Ah, another man whining about how his wife won't obey him...

Case in point....

MagicKingdomDizzy · 17/05/2019 21:15

LipstickHandbagCoffee

Grin okay doke. I see we're not going to move on from here. I'll leave you there.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 21:16

Any more personal insults before you go?or is that you?

MagicKingdomDizzy · 17/05/2019 21:18

LipstickHandbagCoffee

I'm staying on the thread, I'm just not going to engage with you further. It's doing no good, and the hyperbole and dramatics is just giving me a headache.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 21:23

Why then did you bid goodbye to say I’m staying? No one prompted you to do that
Stay or go. I’m happy to engage all posts,all posters

Original poster
Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 21:30

@DogHairEverywhere I’ve already said what she did on the days off. We spent quality time together catching up on TV, going for walks, going for a coffee and talking.

OP posts:
TacoLover · 17/05/2019 21:34

Op can claim whatever he likes - doesn't make it true we have no evidence of his veracity, the studies show that it's HIGHLY likely that at best he's mistaken and at worst he's outright lying. That's their relevance - NOT ridiculous at all.

Well what's the bloody point in helping anyone on this forum if they could be lying?? Anyone on this forum could be lying about anything! You've clearly chosen to ignore where the OP said they took over the household for three months so they clearly know what is involved in the 'mental load' side of things, and they've said that they take things on 50/50; citing a study that says most men do less than 50/50 is a stupid reason to say he didnt do it... have you ever heard of an exception?

If a man comes onto the Legal boards asking for advice because he's been falsely accused of rape, even though statistics show that false rape allegations are very low, are you going to accuse him of lying and that he's a rapist because of studies?! No, because there are fucking exceptions to studiesHmm

On an advice forum, you offer advice based on the information that they are giving you. You just have to assume they are telling the truth otherwise there's no point to post anywhere, if they could be lying about their situation to feel better about themselves. You don't just go onto a post asking for advice and accuse them of being a liar because of a studyConfused that's bullshit behaviour.

DogHairEverywhere · 17/05/2019 21:35

Manclife1, you misunderstand me, i meant what did she contribute to the running of the household during the 3 months that you ran it single handedly? (Not, how did you both spend her days off).

Original poster
Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 21:36

@EggAndButter the things I listed that I do was not to say my wife does nothing but to illustrate what you find so difficult to accept which is this magical ‘list’ of jobs isn’t a bloody secret. We share the work 50/50 it really is that simply.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/05/2019 21:41

I agree taco.
Given there are a number of us on here who have DP/DH who are more than capable of an equitable split in life, it's not exactly surprising to hear that a man might just do his share.

Maybe the OP's not got a clue, or maybe, there is a 50/50 split and with the children going into high school he feels it's out of order for someone who claims they couldn't work more than 3 days a week to lament the fact they don't have fancy holidays. If he's full of poop then the thread won't matter either way. If he's not then there's possible advice to be had.

Original poster
Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 21:47

@DogHairEverywhere not much. I did the majority because I wasn’t in work and wanted the days off she had to be for doing something nice. Some nights she offered to cook and I did the washing or visa versa. I did expect her to do the house work, why would I if I was at home full time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 21:49

*I DID’NT expect her to do the house work!

OP posts:
Springwalk · 17/05/2019 22:14

lipstick seriously. You anti women and your posts of ‘wife work’ are a fucking disgrace. How dare you?

You can bleat on about your c scars, but you certainly don’t sound like a mother to me. A mother would never say the things you do. You have jo idea - given you think you can do everything on line. Including parenting!! You give yourself away over and over again that you are not what you seem. Presents for magically wrap themselves, Christmas dinner doesn’t magically roast in the next ccen. Birthday parties take days of preparation. Baking cakes, wrapping gifts, collecting balloons etc etc. You cant magically click any of this! Bitterness can eat away at the soul. And by god you sound bitter. You are either overworked and miserable, or not a parent at all.
I am very glad I don’t know you in person.

LalaLoop · 17/05/2019 22:21

I'm not sure what you can do as you can't force her. Maybe drop the housework you do so you have more free time? Silly to be doing 50/50 if she's home more.

Fwiw I do a 4 day week and partner works a 60+ hour week (which is too much so he does zero housework) and I do all the housework and 'wife work' not very well though as I don't want to spend too much time doing those sort of things. So I do think there are time savings to be found if you lower your expectations.

Springwalk · 17/05/2019 22:22

Op I hope your wife makes this conundrum easy for you. She may just decide you don’t care enough about her. Showing so little respect for the work she does, the effort she puts in, and the years and years of hard slog can only lead to one place.

So if you are intent on making her work even more despite her exhaustion, children with medical needs etc then go ahead. A gentle conversation about the division of house work and paid work is probably okay. Forcing her hand is likely to end in disaster.

Namenic · 17/05/2019 22:30

A bit harsh @springwalk. But I’m sure @lipstick will give as good as she gets.

We all have different priorities. I home ed 5 year old and breastfeed a 2 year old which are unnecessary things but I do them because either I think it’s important (former) or I haven’t had the energy (latter). This creates a lot more work but DH agrees with these and we work together to achieve them (with GP support). For some people kids clubs or parties with friends/relatives are important or photos or whatever. The difficulty comes where both parents/outsiders are not on the same page in terms of priorities (eg 1 can live in mess but other can’t). Then it can seem like it is ‘trivial life admin that takes 2seconds’ which sahm’s are fretting about.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 22:31

How dare I what spring walk?take you to task for saying I’m a liar
Reread your post to me,the personal attacks before you harrumph
You have made wholly unnecessary unpleasant posts to me

Deluded
Not a parent

So no do not attempt to upbraid me on your flawed agenda

Graphista · 17/05/2019 22:32

Springwalk totally agree. The toxic misogyny on this thread is shocking!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 17/05/2019 22:48

Without a doubt, the SAHM is the hardest job

Speak for yourself.
Strangely enough, other people have different experiences and opinions. SAHM has been a doddle for me compared to FT work.
Even when DCs were really small I had plenty of time for a snooze and book reading.
It wasn't all rosy, but easier and less stressful than employment.

Fullheadtintandtone · 17/05/2019 22:49

*Springwalk Fri 17-May-19 22:22:32
Op I hope your wife makes this conundrum easy for you. She may just decide you don’t care enough about her. Showing so little respect for the work she does, the effort she puts in, and the years and years of hard slog can only lead to one place.

So if you are intent on making her work even more despite her exhaustion, children with medical needs etc then go ahead. A gentle conversation about the division of house work and paid work is probably okay. Forcing her hand is likely to end in disaster.*

I really, really, can't comprehend how anyone who has read this thread can come to this conclusion. And as a female I'm bloody disgusted that some women are making excuses for this wife who wants all the frills of holidays etc but isn't prepared to put in the PAID work to enable that, yet expects her OH to.

Surely when replying to any thread on here you have to take it as is - but no, we have the apologists saying the OH couldn't possibly be telling the truth - They're an out and out liar because some survey concluded 'us' women actually do more than 50% of the housework because we're liars too!

I'm a single mum working FT - I do everything - and it's not that bloody hard now he's a teen. He would be mortified if I micromanaged his friendships, after clubs etc like some of the 'work' on these ridiculous lists.

It's really quite simple. On MN if you're a woman you can be workshy and work part-time for 11+ years and how dare anyone ask you to contribute more. On MN if you have a penis then you're wrong, whatever you say, it's quite simple.

HeckyPeck · 17/05/2019 22:49

Given there are a number of us on here who have DP/DH who are more than capable of an equitable split in life, it's not exactly surprising to hear that a man might just do his share.

Indeed. I wonder if the ones getting enraged are doing so because they’re with lazy-arse men? Maybe it’s easier to believe all men are lazy and there’s nothing better out there rather than face up to having hitched your wagon to a defective one.

I hope you’re taking the bizarre replies as reflections of the posters’ own circumstances and realise they have no baring on yours!

SpecterLitt · 17/05/2019 23:06

Fuck, this is one of the worst threads I've ever seen. The ridiculous shit some of you have posted is pathetic, continuously trying to push your own narrative and agendas, knowing full well if these words were posted by a woman you'd all tell her to "LTB" and scream abuse and what not. The reputation MN has is because of women like you, it's fucking embarrassing, and a wonder anyone would go to any of you in real life for advice.

Dear OP, you have not confirmed whether you are female or male, although those being nasty have determined you must be male. I'm not interested, but from what you have said I think it's wonderful that your 3 months off have made you realise you want to spend more time with your children, I'm sure they would love that too.

I would speak to your wife and discuss the options with her, ask her exactly why she is not willing to do the same amount of hours as you which will help with income but also ensure you both get more or less the same time at home with the kids. Marriage is based on compromise and a discussion and fair compromise needs to be made. I personally do not think anything you have suggested is unreasonable.

It's a shame you were not able to receive level headed advice here, but sadly this is often the case and I cannot see it changing soon.

I hope a fair deal is made and things work out for you both at home. Best wishes.

Fullheadtintandtone · 17/05/2019 23:08

Graphista Fri 17-May-19 22:32:54
Springwalk totally agree. The toxic misogyny on this thread is shocking!

I have to say Graphista that as a longterm poster on MN I normally agree with you - you are absolutely way out of the ball park with this one though. The only toxic misogyny on this thread is the absolute opposite. It's very telling though the posters who have lazy arsed partners who couldn't possibly envisage a relationship whereby one partner works full time and does 50% of the 'housework'.

Maybe some should set their levels higher than to stay with someone not pulling their weight?

ReanimatedSGB · 17/05/2019 23:26

It's always men who post threads like this, though. There's a particular type of man who seems to get at least an intellectual boner out of coming onto MN and persuading a lot of women to call his wife a cunt and a failure and a useless lazy bitch, so he can show her the thread in the hope of convincing her that she is wrong and other women think she is wrong and must immediately change her ways and obey her master.

Sadly these wanky men seem to get more success with that tactic nowadays.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 17/05/2019 23:27

@Manclife1 what do you actually want from your wife?

To stop moaning about lack of money/finances?

To agree to up her hours so you can drop yours?

According to you she wants more money. But what do you want and what compromises are you willing to make to make it happen?