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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Won’t work but wants money!

626 replies

Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 13:49

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

OP posts:
DogHairEverywhere · 17/05/2019 20:48

OP, so what did your wife do during those 3 months when you single handedly ran the household?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 17/05/2019 20:49

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG when i said that's all I meant that it is their only input to family life. Like my friend's husband who gets mad at her for not waking him up to go to work on time after he snoozed his alarm 5 times. Because she knows what time he has to leave,she's responsible.

Or another friend's husband who rang her while she was on holiday with the kids because there were no white rolls(bread available )in the house ,and that's what he wanted and he's going to starve for a week and he hopes she's happy. And no he can't go and buy some,because he's working doesn't she know?

Is it hard and stressful to be the sole earner? Of course it is, it's a fucking daunting position to be in , it doesn't mean you can or should completely check out of family life to the point where you refuse to even be responsible for yourself.

C0untDucku1a · 17/05/2019 20:50

Teenagers would absolutely benefit from a parent at home twice a week. Help them to use their time productively. Teenagers still need their parents. 4 days each sounds ideal. Have you broached the options with her yet? The three suggested in a previous post? Theres a massive amount to do at home at secondary school for students. You spending one evening a week sat doing homework, getting organised and chatting while making dinner will be better for them.

MagicKingdomDizzy · 17/05/2019 20:50

LipstickHandbagCoffee

No one at anytime called Christmas a 'National Planning Emergency'.

Find me the post and I'll apologise to you Grin

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 17/05/2019 20:51

YourSarcasmIsDripping Yeah, those men sound like absolute arseholes.

EggAndButter · 17/05/2019 20:51

I have to say, reading your posts, I’m wondering why you are still living with your dw.
I mean she seems to be so lazy that she hardly does anything doesnt she?

You know everything about your dcs, their medication, their friends (but didn’t until 3 months ago)
You reorganise the internet provider because you were at home and clearly couldn’t do it when working full time (except that most people who work full time and are let’s say single parents or both of them are working full time still manage to do it. Everything is done through the internet those days)
You are doing all the DIY (which is all a once in a while type of stuff)
Etc

Can you not see that you are lining up all the things you do like you really had to prove a point but WITHOUT saying a word of what she does??

Now I will tell you what my H does, and HE is doing about 50% of the stuff.
He is cooking all evening meals and cleaning the kitchen. He vacuums and cleans the floors. Puts about half of the washing to go and dry (and do the other half). He is doing all the ironing. Oh and he is doing the DIY and the gardening too.
I do all the rest (aka the non physical stuff due to my own health issues)
When you look at how much time we spend doing stuff for the house, we are actually spending a similar amount of time. He is doing the visible stuff. I’m doing the invisible stuff. Invisible but the stuff that keeps the house run smoothly (like anything that requires thinking ahead for hols, b’days and whatnot. Sorting out school trips, exams, tutors, payments etc...)
Now THAT is sharing stuff 50/50. Which, by your own accord, you haven’t done until you were off work for 3 months...

Now I have a question. If you are back at work 4 days a week, how much of all the things you have been doing do you think you will still be able to do? Atm you say you are doing 50/50 whilst being at home full time (albeit of sick if I got that right). How Jc will you be able to do then on your one day off a week?

MagicKingdomDizzy · 17/05/2019 20:52

DogHairEverywhere

OP, so what did your wife do during those 3 months when you single handedly ran the household?

Yes I was wondering that. Hence me asking about the injury. Bad enough not to work for 3 months. Must have been pretty bad.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 17/05/2019 20:55

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG we do agree after all.Grin

Added to the list of things I've done today.Grin

Fairenuff · 17/05/2019 20:55

OP posters will twist anything to fit their narrative. I think you'll just get more of the same as people just go on and on about the same thing and pretty much ignore whatever you post. Would be great if you could update after your talk though.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 20:57

Read the threads,slowly if that helps, xmas & birthdays planning described as huge
the elaborate descriptions of planning Christmas. A big wifework deal
Asked “What planet am I on!” to consider xmas planning can be executed online. (It can)
i likened it to a national planning emergency after all protestations of wife work & xmas

Apology accepted
HTH

bluebluezoo · 17/05/2019 20:57

YourSarcasmIsDripping Yeah, those men sound like absolute arseholes

What she said. I’d leave those bastards. Easier just to look after the kids and me.

Can you not see that you are lining up all the things you do like you really had to prove a point but WITHOUT saying a word of what she does??

Can you not see that the o/p did this to defend himself against all the women on here insisting he can’t possibly be doing 50:50, or know about all those wifework jobs his dw must be doing without him noticing.

He also didn’t say he was doing 50:50 while off work- he was doing the larger share, therefore knowing about all the wifework people are saying he didn’t.

Why are you so determined that o/p doesn’t pull his weight? He may, he may not, we have no idea except for what he says. Do you normally assume every man lies?

JacquesHammer · 17/05/2019 20:58

OP posters will twist anything to fit their narrative

Wisest post on the thread.

Graphista · 17/05/2019 20:58

Lipstick despite my saying so at least twice and I believe others have said same I HAVEN'T as you've claimed tried to make out they're particularly difficult tasks - in fact that's kind of the point! It's the monotony and dullness of the tasks that makes them a pain to do! But they DO HAVE to be done with a wearing regularity to ensure the smooth running of the home. And regardless of the level of difficulty they're still time consuming and require a level of effort.

"Just because they're generally considered boring and unskilled and unvalued, doesn't mean they're not a 'thing' and important." Exactly!

And as I've pointed out I've DONE IT ALL while a single ft working mum.

Generally there's actually less to do if there's nobody home most of the day to mess the home up which reduces much of the low level physical housework.

As compared to being a sahm it was LESS work - both physical and mental.

Yes the majority of us "just get on" and do it as that's life but in view of the current discussion the op needs to acknowledge that their opinion that they do 50% is highly unlikely to be true!

There's been several posters quick to point out that myself and others holding that view are wrong and unwilling to consider other possibilities - I see no such consideration at all from the op he's not budged an inch! Indeed as his posts have gone on his views have become more entrenched and in some cases outright insulting!

He's even made it clear he doesn't want people with opposing views posting!

StatisticallyChallenged - point is op has been at pains throughout to claim he does 50% while also working full time, nobody has said the op does nothing just challenged him on if he actually does 50% and his responses haven't exactly supported that!

While his overt comments state he does his other slightly less overt comments strongly suggest he doesn't, knows he doesn't, & he is pissed off we didn't all unanimously fall to our knees before him to support him and canonise him a saint and criticise his wife and declare her a lazy, ungrateful whatever!

"The medical issues my kids have are more ailments" meaning? My point was that was another task for your wife to cover. How is that being due to ailments or a chronic illness mean this wasn't a task for her? You posted about knowing about their meds as an example of your input - how is it not an example of input because it's your wife's task? Actually thanks for that - simply confirms what I and several others thought and what we often see in the way society treats men and women doing EXACTLY the same tasks if those tasks are still very much seen as a wife's responsibility - completely unacknowledged and unappreciated if carried out by a a woman and an example of bloody sainthood if carried out by a man!

"and I was off due to a physical injury like a broken wrist so not ‘laid up’" which means that you were limited in what you could do while also being present at home and likely needing your wife to do tasks you couldn't at that time due to your injury - which was my point in saying that she also at this time had you being unable to work and at home and needing additional care.

Lipstick we've all got scars - completely irrelevant to this discussion.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 21:01

You’re genuinely clutching at scars trying to get mileage or leverage out of a humorous quip

As you were

GabriellaMontez · 17/05/2019 21:01

Has op clarified yet that he's a man?

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 17/05/2019 21:02

He's even made it clear he doesn't want people with opposing views posting! No, he doesn't want people to keep calling him a liar based on their flawed understanding of research. Which is perfectly reasonable.

MagicKingdomDizzy · 17/05/2019 21:03

LipstickHandbagCoffee

i likened it to a national planning emergency after all protestations of wife work & xmas

So contrary to your previous posts no one ACTUALLY said it.

No apology for you.

Justanotherlurker · 17/05/2019 21:04

This thread is exactly why MN has the wider internet persona it does.

Some of the replies on here deserve there own peak mumsnet tweet.

DogHairEverywhere · 17/05/2019 21:05

From my experience, i have worked FT in a demanding job that required much overseas travel, (weekly hours well in excess of 40). My circumstances changed and i worked 3 part time jobs (total hours that exceeded 40 hrs/wk). I have also been a SAHM doing everything, while my Dh works FT (but contributes no physical or mental input to the running of the home). Without a doubt, the SAHM is the hardest job, as it is so relentless, available 24/7. Buck stops with me for everything. Mental load for everything on my shoulders. Each year, for 6 weeks, i work FT hours as well, because of the way the business works, (DH does not step up during this time to compensate) but the housework suffers, and food is not always prepared from scratch, (and luckily it doesnt fall at christmas Grin), so corners are cut.
I think as long as you and your DW are prepared to change things about as necessary, or you step up and do 50% of the things she does on her days off, then perhaps she'd be more willing to do the FT hours.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 21:06

Magic,attempts to digress don’t cut it.not even under wifewirk
I said national planning emergency given the handwringing about planning Xmas
Your Apologies for misconstruing my posts still accepted.😉

MagicKingdomDizzy · 17/05/2019 21:07

LipstickHandbagCoffee

Talking to you is like talking to my 4 year old when she's in the middle of a tantrum Grin

ReanimatedSGB · 17/05/2019 21:08

Ah, another man whining about how his wife won't obey him...

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 21:11

Magic,again you’re using personal attacks to deflect from your inadequate posts

Justanotherlurker · 17/05/2019 21:11

Has op clarified yet that he's a man?

Doesn't matter, it is assumed so battle lines have been drawn. Too many people with personal agenda's posting now, they have already been somewhat accused of being abusive and people are already posting in ALL CAPS.

If op comes back and says they are female it will be dropped like a hot coal and the stupid on here will just name change or play ignorance.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 21:12

Sgb you’re 374 posts late with that lame response