Won’t work but wants money!

[Manclife1]

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

Don't be so dismissive just because you're not in that situation yourself. There are men out there that go to work and that's all they do. Their wife/partner is responsible for absolutely everything else, including making sure they have breakfast,lunch and are awake on time to do said work.

Yeah, the men have no mental load. It's much more stressful worrying about the editing standard of family photos than worrying that if you lose your job you'll be destitute.

You’re feverishly trying (and failing) to justify wifework graphista
Inevitably many on this thread are over invested in descriptions to embellish perfunctory tasks
Because if you strip away the veneer of difficulty,then the tasks are evident for what they are
Tasks,that are achievable and don’t require adult attention 7day a week
Tasks that folk inc students,Flat sharers,single folk do whilst working FT

the FULL SHIT of home ; packing bags and making lunches, gardening, remembering shit, homework, spending QUALITY time with kids, health-ish meals, cleaning up after everyone or arranging others to do so

I love this. As a single parent doing everything i want an award for doing THE FULLEST SHIT OF ALL

I work FT and yes by Friday night I’m tired but the rest of the time is busy but OK

And teenagers don’t need parents at home by 5pm.

Rant over. I have more FULL SHIT to be getting on with

It's much more stressful worrying about the editing standard of family photos than worrying that if you lose your job you'll be destitute.
Very true!

Though seriously, we all know that some men feel that going to work means they can do nothing at home and count doing the dishes as 'helping' around the house. They are lazy and are all too happy for the women in their lives to pick up after them.

However, there are also women who seem to think every tiny detail that every adult does is somehow a burden to add to their list of 'why I'm so overwhelmed at home and couldn't possibly work'. Hearing people talking about school admin, house admin, birthday cards, who books the 2 dentist app a year etc highlights how ridiculous some women are. Most adults in life manage to send a few Christmas cards or pay the dinner money online without falling apart over how hard they work at home.

Backing up and editing your photos isn't work. It's a hobby that you have chosen to do. Next we will see that Instagram, Fb and Twitter is integral to the smooth rolling of the family and the time spent on it should be valued as such?

Plus the time spent on MN, which as we all know is essential to a smoothly organised household.

I run my own business, I have staff and deadlines and difficult clients, I know how hard work paid work is! It's much more rewarding and filfilling than the drugery of "running a house".

"Just get him to". if it was that simple there would be no threads on mumsnet about the mental load.

I'm not talking about being a housewife v working. I'm saying working PT PLUS shitwork v partner working and not valuing the shitwork.

Though when I was a SAMH on mat leave life was WELL harder than working a regular FT job so I totally stand by that.

All the post saying "the wife can list the jobs she needs done" can F right off, that is the WHOLE POINT.

Also those with small children think older kids need less imput. That's rubbish. I have a pre teen and a teen and they need a LOT from me and it seems even more important now than when they were young.

No I don't. I'm sure you'll be kind enough to explain it to me though

Magic. Happy to oblige.

First you say,
I hate these kind of threads, where you post genuinely of your own experience and people just want to rip you to shreads. Mumsnet at its finest.

Then you say,
OP do you like your wife, and want a resolution that makes you both happy and feel appreciated, or are you enjoying people calling your wife a lazy, workshy CF? Your title and posts suggest you're not after a resolution but validation in your low opinion of your wife's 'work ethic'.

You’ve done precisely what you say you hate.

Obvs,mn is household admin
That and buying vellum paper for all the thank you notes

Graphista

I agree with everything you said.

LipstickHandbagCoffee You miss the point everytime, and just focus on telling people not to write lists. I didn't realise list writing was prohibited on Mumsnet, perhaps they should add it to their Talk Guidelines.

LolaSmiles Agree with all your post! There are men who massively take the piss of their wives, SAHM and working. But that doesn't justify the ridiculous over-inflation of "household admin" and acting like being a SAHM is more pressurised than being responsible for the housing and feeding of an entire family.

Editing and backing up family photographs
Checking product reviews
Sorting and disposing of old clothes

Damn, now you're listing things my DH always does!
Is this really wife work?
I very much doubt it.

Yeah, the men have no mental load. It's much more stressful worrying about the editing standard of family photos than worrying that if you lose your job you'll be destitute.

I never mentioned the photos.
But if you want to reduce women to that , it's your choice. However, some of the women I mentioned not only do they work, but are the main earner too. So they also have the "lose job" worry of top of everything else too.

I have enough emotional intelligence to see and understand beyond my lived experiences.

Stop minimising, deydododatdodontdeydo. It takes several hours a week.

AlexaAmbidextra

The difference being that my initial posts were unemotive and unbiased, simply sharing my experience of how things are done in my life.

The OPs posts are different. The title alone is goady and urging the people reading it to think in a certain way about his/her wife.

So no, there's no irony there.

Magic,valiantly trying to justify wifework as a thing and spectacularly failing
I’m disputing the lists of tasks being habitually trotted out.the so called burden
I’m not stopping anyone listing tasks,I’m disputing that the tasks are so over

DH said today at work was less stressful than yesterday when he had dcs 5 and 2. But he is wonderful - he takes a lot of the mental load and wife work off me as I have a stressful job (though pt). I do the night wakings because I need sleep less and still breast feed.

Play to your strengths, work as a team and appreciate your partner - because even if they are doing less than you, it might be harder for them. We don’t compare weight-lifters outside their weight categories.

YourSarcasmIsDripping My issue is with you reducing paid work to nothing and acting like all the "mental load" is in the kind of tasks that have been listed over the last few pages. Do you have enough emotional intelligence to realise that the sole breadwinner of a family has a big mental load of their own?

I'm a woman and many years ago I had a fling with a man, after the sexual relationship ended we became friends 30 years plus now.

We've always argued but of late the arguments are getting worse. If he loses his temper with me I know I have to bite my tongue but god forbid I lose my temper with him he'll block me on his phone (which I pay for).

He's a polite individual, would help any of his friends and when he's friendly with me, he'd help me too.

He ruined my birthday this year because he couldn't connect to my Sky and sent me an abusive message which resulted in angry exchanges. We're not speaking atm as he's very secretive so I ignored his messages for 6 days now he's blocked me again.

This is a man that I have bailed out countless times, I've bought him expensive watches, paid his rent arrears, lent him money (never returned), gave him money for a car, taken him on countless holidays all free.

I do cause a lot of the problems and maybe I try to provoke him in to contacting me.

I know our friendship is over for good this time but why can't I make a final break? He doesn't care and has told me so! In fact it's better for him when I'm not around.

Of all my friends, it's only him I argue with.

Any advice on how to finally break free would be appreciated.

LipstickHandbagCoffee

I'll absolutely justify things I spend hours doing every week.

Just because they're generally considered boring and unskilled and unvalued, doesn't mean they're not a 'thing' and important.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG
And not only that, but the sheer ludicrous nature of what some on MN class as psychologically demanding mental load massively distracts from the very real issue of some feckless men.

Man does 50% of house things.
MN reply - you think you do, but you absolutely can't be doing half. Did you spend 45 minutes today planning on how you'll manage to look after a pet rabbit that we dont own and our kids haven't asked for yet? See, you have no idea about mental load. Some of us have even started mumsnet threads about potential transport issues around Aunt Mabel's 70th birthday event that hasn't been confirmed yet, but we deal with the mental load of working out how possible it is to fit a family of 4 in a 4 seater car for a 2 hour drive.

Magic,Of course you have to justify wifework it’s the reason for your inactivity

We are not talking about the man being the sole breadwinner though.

The op wants an more equitable division of paid work,wife step up

We are not talking about the man being the sole breadwinner though.

The poster I'm responding to was.