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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Won’t work but wants money!

626 replies

Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 13:49

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 17/05/2019 19:26

I wouldn’t want to work full time and do all the household stuff. I like my downtime too much!

And that’s fine. But if you want more money for holidays, what do you do?

And why can’t a man choose to go pt and have more “downtime”? Why is it such an unreasonable idea that man might want to pick up some of the household stuff in exchange for working PT and getting more downtime?

Its the insistence that only women can go PT and take on the household stuff that I find odd.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 19:28

Happy to take the gold star Jacques.

Manclife1 · 17/05/2019 19:28

@sanmiguel i think a frank chat need to be had. Some of the poster have mentioned she may have reasons I’m not aware of as to why she wants to not work full time. Which is something I had considered but perhaps dismissed a little too easily.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 17/05/2019 19:29

Its the insistence that only women can go PT and take on the household stuff that I find odd

Indeed, which is why I have never insisted that.

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/05/2019 19:30

😂😂😂. Pissing myself laughing at these ridiculous lists. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

LolaSmiles · 17/05/2019 19:30

But OP, that's the point, shedoesdo house stuff on her 'days off'. So, in her mind she would still have to do all that and work an extra day or two. Can you not see that?
Shed have to do 50% of the house stuff and work, you know a bit like the OP does, and many working parents, and many single people.

I'm also loving the listing of 'mental load' activities to justify not working. Backing up photos? GP/dentist appointment booking. Sometimes I wonder if the people who make the most ridiculous lists of mental load are the ones who don't work. I knew someone who convinced themself their life not working was so busy and stressful they couldn't possibly work. It was laughable hearing them talk.

YukoandHiro · 17/05/2019 19:31

Four days each sounds like a good proposal but before you agree to anything ask her to write down all the things she does (including kids dentist appointments, posting birthday cards, bath cooking, checking on any older relatives etc etc etf). You do the same. Do it for at least a fortnight, ideally a month.
I bet she's saying it's tired because she's carrying the majority of the mental load. If you both do four days and you really do share that load totally 50/50 - that means you, say, booking the dentist appt without her reminding you first - then that does sound like a good solution.

donajimena · 17/05/2019 19:32

This thread just gets funnier and funnier. Anyway I must go and rearrange my bookshelves and polish the cat! I'm just so important to this house!

Namenic · 17/05/2019 19:32

Ps not all jobs are equal. Some jobs are better/worse for different people eg a physical job for someone who develops an injury or a stressful job for someone with anxiety. Hopefully people can find one that can let them have the best balance.

mollyblack · 17/05/2019 19:32

My dh works 5 days and I work 3. He is always badgering me to work 5 days too. There is not a chance as he would do no extra at home stuff. He has no idea what is involved and makes crass suggestions like "hire a cleaner" like that is some kind of solution that I would have to source/pay/clear up for/deal with etc. If we could each do 4 days and he actually did the full job on his extra day off I would be delighted. Paid work is MUCH easier IMO than drudgery. But that does not involve just getting the kids from one end of the day to the other with a couple of meals, it is the FULL SHIT of home ; packing bags and making lunches, gardening, remembering shit, homework, spending QUALITY time with kids, health-ish meals, cleaning up after everyone or arranging others to do so.

My DH has no idea what is involved and I'm skeptical the OP knows the full story. I would LOVE to hear his partners side of things.

mollyblack · 17/05/2019 19:32

My dh works 5 days and I work 3. He is always badgering me to work 5 days too. There is not a chance as he would do no extra at home stuff. He has no idea what is involved and makes crass suggestions like "hire a cleaner" like that is some kind of solution that I would have to source/pay/clear up for/deal with etc. If we could each do 4 days and he actually did the full job on his extra day off I would be delighted. Paid work is MUCH easier IMO than drudgery. But that does not involve just getting the kids from one end of the day to the other with a couple of meals, it is the FULL SHIT of home ; packing bags and making lunches, gardening, remembering shit, homework, spending QUALITY time with kids, health-ish meals, cleaning up after everyone or arranging others to do so.

My DH has no idea what is involved and I'm skeptical the OP knows the full story. I would LOVE to hear his partners side of things.

IronManisnotDead · 17/05/2019 19:34

Only on MN do you get posters who call a woman lazy and selfish because in reality she refuses to back down to her controlling DH, who posts on here to get everyone to feel sorry for him.

Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship where it was more emotional and cohesive and controlling behaviour, will understand exactly why this raises so many warning signs.

MagicKingdomDizzy · 17/05/2019 19:37

I hate these kind of threads, where you post genuinely of your own experience and people just want to rip you to shreads. Mumsnet at its finest.

OP do you like your wife, and want a resolution that makes you both happy and feel appreciated, or are you enjoying people calling your wife a lazy, workshy CF?

Your title and posts suggest you're not after a resolution but validation in your low opinion of your wife's 'work ethic'.

DogHairEverywhere · 17/05/2019 19:38

What MollyBlack said.

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/05/2019 19:38

Only on MN do you get posters who call a woman lazy and selfish because in reality she refuses to back down to her controlling DH, who posts on here to get everyone to feel sorry for him. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship where it was more emotional and cohesive and controlling behaviour, will understand exactly why this raises so many warning signs.

Of ffs. Now someone’s calling the OP an abuser. This place is fucking mad at times.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 17/05/2019 19:38

Editing and backing up family photographs
Checking product reviews
Sorting and disposing of old clothes

Grin Grin Grin

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/05/2019 19:42

I hate these kind of threads, where you post genuinely of your own experience and people just want to rip you to shreads. Mumsnet at its finest. OP do you like your wife, and want a resolution that makes you both happy and feel appreciated, or are you enjoying people calling your wife a lazy, workshy CF? Your title and posts suggest you're not after a resolution but validation in your low opinion of your wife's 'work ethic'.

Magic. Do you really not see the irony in what you’ve just written? Hmm

bluebluezoo · 17/05/2019 19:43

My DH has no idea what is involved

Why not? Start getting him to do his share if you’d rather go to work outside the home.

Men aren’t incapable.

If he wants to hire a cleaner, why is it a “crass suggestion”? Say yes please and ask him when they start. Simple.

The rest of your list i don’t get why he isn’t doing anyway. Helping with the homework- whoever’s available. He can do the garden, set aside a day for it. He should be spending time with the kids and cleaning up after everyone. He can pack bags before bed if you do lunches in the morning. Or get school meals.

Stop enabling. My dh was like this while i worked pt. now he is pt, me ft. I don’t do these things so he does. If you are going to share this stuff it does help to have a formal split, so it’s clear who books the dentist or who plans meals, so you don’t double up or think the other has done it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 17/05/2019 19:43

Paid work is MUCH easier IMO than drudgery.

Absolute bollocks.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/05/2019 19:44

Every task you list molly working parents do too
Molly being a housewife isn’t same as working.not comparable in least
You get to work at own pace,no external boss setting completion time
No sanctions if you don’t do a task,no jd,no measurable standard to maintain

Fairenuff · 17/05/2019 19:44

OP maybe you should have the conversation with a mediator. Just to make sure that you're not abusing your wife by asking her permission to spend more time with your children.

Graphista · 17/05/2019 19:44

"If a single parent can work full time and run a household I don’t see why you’re surprised I’m able to work full time and only do half the work." Oh wow! You just reached a whole new level of offensive there!

I've been a sahm and a single ft working mum - I had a damn sight less to do at/re home as a single ft working mum than I did as a sahm!

As for "what about single working people" (houseshares etc) they've only got themselves to look out for!

Latest posts by op indicate that their wife has 2 dc, including one with a medical condition, plus a laid up spouse to consider for several months.

Seriously, from the tone of op's posts I doubt more as it goes on that he does anywhere CLOSE to 50%

There's also been several posters who clearly haven't hit the teen years with their dc yet and underestimating the input high school age children need. Their needs at different to younger children but they're not less!

"And the fact you said she makes sure you split 50/50 just means she's had to ask repeatedly for things to be done." Yep that's my impression too! That op THINKS they're hard done by when there's a whole other side to this tale.

"lipstick your foul little rant really isn’t helping...You are absolutely deluded pal." Totally agree - with the whole post

"Studies are completely irrelevant in this situation" how?!

Op can claim whatever he likes - doesn't make it true we have no evidence of his veracity, the studies show that it's HIGHLY likely that at best he's mistaken and at worst he's outright lying. That's their relevance - NOT ridiculous at all.

"Oh please. Why do people (women) have to big up these things that are really very simple." Nobody's "bigging up" but many posters are being very dismissive of the tasks that are necessary to running a home & family, as I said earlier each individual task may be "an easy 5 min job" but it's the accumulation and relentlessness of them that's the issue.

I've noticed myself too that jobs I've thought of as "5 min" or "half an hour" when I've actually timed myself or somethings occurred which means I've realised how long it's actually taken me they often take much longer.

"yeah, now that the kids are grown and don't need as much help and attention. Now that the majority of the hard work is done." Yep I'd agree with that too, not because I think teen years are particularly easy but I suspect the op thinks so.

"And you must be very slow at doing laundry if it equates to an entire 'day of work in the home" if it's all the weeks laundry for a family of 4 in one day yes I can see that taking a full day when you consider all clothes inc gym gear, towels and bedding.

"However your comment does shed some light on your attitude towards people who think differently to you and maybe illustrates why you and your wife are failing to reach a mutually acceptable compromise on this issue."

And just because certain tasks can be done electronically doesn't mean there's no time or effort involved!

"As an aside, i must be doing something very wrong that birthdays/christmas does not happen for me at the click of a button." Exactly!

I order my groceries online every week I have for various reasons a set time that I do it that suits dd and I as a "deadline" plus there's the supermarkets own deadline if it is being delivered the next day. As a result I've become aware of how long it ACTUALLY takes me to do each week, after initially estimating it took 10-15mins and I've got it that it takes me around 40 mins unless there's a special occasion or other factors to consider (and that's not even including the time spent during the week noting when we've run out of certain items or dds asked for certain changes)

Now yes that's "only" 40 mins, but if you collate ALL the tasks that need to be done and how long they ACTUALLY take vs how long some people on here seem to think certain tasks take then all those "only takes X mins" tasks = several hours of work.

But then I'm not buying that those going "oh fgs it's not that hard" DON'T realise in real life that's how it works - because the majority on mn are of course DOING all these tasks day in day out!

Elements of denial and cognitive dissonance and outright disingenuousness definitely.

"Don’t underestimate what your dw already does. People are more likely to be open to change if they feel appreciated." Spot on!

"You’ve missed, rewiring, plastering, servicing the cars and fitting a patio (amongst other things) which I do as she can’t." Not weekly tasks - not even monthly!

"And let's be honest, most posts are written with a bias towards the poster...." Precisely!

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 17/05/2019 19:44

When I read about the so called "mental load" I wonder if these people actually work, as mental load is what I have from my career and the level of responsibility.

It does become mental load when you're the only one responsible for it. When if you don't do it,you forget,you're ill etc it simply doesn't get done. When you get blamed for every single things that goes wrong because everything is your responsibility. When on top of your own,the household and kids you're responsible for the other adult in the house too.

Don't be so dismissive just because you're not in that situation yourself. There are men out there that go to work and that's all they do. Their wife/partner is responsible for absolutely everything else, including making sure they have breakfast,lunch and are awake on time to do said work.

burnoutbabe · 17/05/2019 19:45

Surely if the op is missing all this wife work jobs, the wife can list them and ask the op to now be in charge.
A one time list (with agreement of how often needs doing) and then is the ops job.
Seems fair.
I expect most single people and working couples probably don't do a lot of wife work as most doesn't need doing in that much detail. Ie wash bedding every fortnight or so and not daily, less cleaning. Send Facebook messages for non immediate family birthdays. Bills on dd and once a year review to see if cheaper. Or leave it and pay more, not end of the world.

MagicKingdomDizzy · 17/05/2019 19:48

AlexaAmbidextra

Do you really not see the irony in what you’ve just written?

No I don't. I'm sure you'll be kind enough to explain it to me though.