Won’t work but wants money!

[Manclife1]

So, wife and I work in similar jobs, for similar length of time, for same pay and career opportunities. Wife works part time (3 day week) following the birth of our children which was her choice as I wanted us both work a 4 day week and split childcare 50/50.

Youngest goes to high school September and so she no longer needs to pick up/drop off and can go back full time. However, she’s refusing to do so as working a full week would be ‘too exhausting’. In the same breath she’s complaining that we can’t afford nice holidays etc.

AIBU to think shes taking the piss? I’d love to reduce my hours and spend more time with her and the kids but can’t while she’s working so few hours.

PS household tasks split 50/50 apart from laundry which she does on days off.

Some people are really jumping through as many hoops as they can to try and make the OP seem unreasonable

Yes, and making themselves look like utter tools. Equal parts amusing and depressing!

Who does all the admin, the birthdays? The play dates? The bills? Christmas? Food shopping?

FFS. This tired old rhetoric is embarrassing, especially in the digital age...

OP, she sounds entitled, work shy and a royal pain in the arse. You have my sympathy.

springwalk,well that’s a big ole post you wrote about me.Lets break it down

Lipstick, I very much doubt you even have dc I do, and I have the CS scars to prove it

given you feel they don’t need a parent for a play date? No they don’t always need a parent at a play date, and if they do it’d be me or dp

!hmm apparently Christmas arrives at a click of button hmm what planet are you on exactly?
yes Christmas does largely arrive at click of a button. Food,presents,tree and wreath all ordered online. Invites sent by email or phone call. Travel arrangements,flights,bookings,restaurants all booked online. Booking cabs to collect family from station booked via app

Birthday parties ditto all arranged on line, entertainer or a venue booked online. Invites popped in nursery and school bag, and Also invites reminders sent by WhatsApp

Kids don’t need help with homework dp and or I do this at home

emotional support dp and or I do this

nor need looking after in the school holidays book summer club,use nursery and dp and or I use annual leave

They don’t require a bedtime story the wee ones get read to.The older kids we talk. dp and or I do this at home.

someone to care dp and or I (and friends& family) do this

Fuck why don’t we just work 247 not necessary as I have safe and adequate routine

and let the dc raise themselves interesting suggestion,I anticipate they’d get by til the nesquik & yoghurt run out

You are absolutely deluded pal I am a capacitous adult of sane mind

@SuziQ10 feel free to read all my post before making ill informed comments.

SHE DOES NOT DO THE IRONING.

Sorry for shouting but please at least read OP's posts before disagreeing with them.

So by your reckoning, OP should drop the ironing then as it's almost a whole day's work and they already work 5 days a week?

Your wife has fallen into a comfort bubble and needs to give her head a wobble! Ffs the amount of stretching out of tasks here. After two weeks back to FT work she will laugh at how much she was getting like Joey from Friends.

In the end you can only really change yourself. You can’t make someone else change. If you want to drop a day of work a week then sit down and work through the financial implications together. If you are happy to keep working but do less at home so you can spend more time with dc then sit down and explain what and why you want to do that. Having a parent at home 2 extra days a week during 13 weeks of school holidays is an enormous benefit in your household. Don’t underestimate what your dw already does. People are more likely to be open to change if they feel appreciated.

@wildbhoysmama that’s sounds idyllic! And just what I’m looking for!

So what does your DW say about the fact that you work 5 days and do 50% of the house /kids stuff, and she does 3 days and 50%? Can she see that is unfair?

Why does she think that working an extra day would be so exhausting? After all, from what you say she only has 5 hours to herself. I would just be interested whether she considers those 5 hours to be hers, or whether she fills them with house/kids stuff. Just because you say she is free to do as she wishes, she may in fact feel that she has to do a deep clean of the fridge, or a large shop, for example.

@Fossie I agree with you in how to move forward.

Tbh it's irrelevant how much OP actually does or how much most men do and wether he REALLY does 50/50 and who arranged the last playdate.

The issues is that the wife would like more money,holidays etc. That can only happen with an increase in income and there are only 3 options:

1.OP works even more and by virtue of that will be around less so do less at home.

1. The wife increases her hours and OP helps more/they outsource some of the housework.

3.they severely tighten their belts to bare minimum and save any extra for said holidays. 4.be a fucking grownup and accept that the financial situation is what it is and make the best of it .

I'd pick option number 4.

@DogHairEverywhere if she did loads of other stuff, like deep cleaning the fridge, when she’s off I wouldn’t have said we split 50/50. Sure sometimes she does extra on those day, but then on other days I do a bit extra.

As an aside, i must be doing something very wrong that birthdays/christmas does not happen for me at the click of a button. Even though i order stuff online, i still need to think about what to get, and shop about for the best price, or the right colour, or whatever, wrap the presents, post/deliver them. Organise get togethers, find a suitable date that everyone can make, find the convenient restaurant in terms of location for those people invited. Think about who I'm catering for, plan the menus, order it. Takes me a lot of mental head space. I guess if i had a limitless budget, i could streamline this process, but to do it carefully takes planning.

I'm stuck on this one. It depends how completely honest OP is being and whether the OP wife would tell a different story. If everything is genuinely 50/50 then 4 days a week seems most fair.

My husband was under the impression he did half the housework/household chores. He was talking about washing up and hoovering. However, the things he missed out were things like:

Buying new clothes for children
Sorting and disposing of old clothes
Buying new shoes/football boots for kids
Buying new kit for activities
Dental/optician/GP appts
Deep cleaning toilets, fridge, freezer, oven, dishwasher, washing machine etc.
Through clean of shower and bath
Complete stripping of bedsheets once a week.
All decorating (painting, wallpaper, flooring, tiling) I did all this.
All gardening.
All birthday and Christmas arrangements for us, the kids and other family. (I know people are saying it's just a few clicks on amazon, but it really isn't)

We made a list of absolutely everything that needed doing in the household. He was shocked by how much I actually did, that he wasn't aware of. He doesn't consider the housework to be split 50/50 anymore.

It could be that OP wife is doing all this in her 'days off'.

The way some women bleat on about mental loads and housework is laughable.
They don't just want the moon on a stick, they want to beat the blokes with it too.
Pathetic.
OP, just tell your wife straight. Either she gets off her arse and goes to work or she can forget her fancy holidays. Then book a week in a caravan in Cleethorpes to hammer the point home.

But OP, that's the point, she does do house stuff on her 'days off'. So, in her mind she would still have to do all that and work an extra day or two. Can you not see that?

Unpleasant thread. I don;t get this weird MN obsession with fairness and keeping score of everything. It must be so depressing and grim to be in a relationship like this. If you want fancy holidays why not maybe save up or get a better job? Or think of imaginative ways to make money...not just keep focusing in on this dull workday obsession. It must be the most unromantic, boring thing in the world.

Magic,you’ve fallen into the trap of listing tasks,as if they’re massive& onerous

All birthday and Christmas arrangements for us, the kids and other family. (I know people are saying it's just a few clicks on amazon, but it really isn't). It really is not as hard as you are making out, you’re not travelling to Lapland to pre-inspect the elves workshop before determining which presents you buy.

All birthday and Xmas arrangements unless your her maj with two birthdays and a Christmas message You’re overstating it

Listing tasks is nonsensical,it doesn’t demonstrate being Busy it’s just a list

A house does not need to be 'deep cleaned' every week.

If you want fancy holidays why not maybe save up or get a better job?

OP doesn't want fancy holidays. Where did you get that idea from?

@MagicKingdomDizzy she does some of that stuff but not on always. You’ve missed, rewiring, plastering, servicing the cars and fitting a patio (amongst other things) which I do as she can’t.

If the children were younger I'd probably have a different opinion. But from your account she sounds unreasonable.

However, my first assumption was that of a previous poster who said most men overestimate their 50-50 split. Here's some things you may or may not have thought of.

Meal planning
Birthday and Christmas present shopping for all relatives and friends
Keeping track of children's clothes, shoes, PE kit for what needs (constantly) replacing according to size and season
School admin
After-school activities planning
Weekend and holiday planning and budgeting
Household bills admin
Decluttering
Organising healthcare
Updating calendars and planners
Editing and backing up family photographs
Selling clothes and household items
Looking for the best deals on household items needed, knowing when relevant sales are on etc
Checking product reviews

Many other not every day cleaning jobs such as deep cleaning cupboards, cleaning washing machine, washing sofa covers, windows etc
These are all things that take up a big chunk of my day when my DH probably thinks I'm watching Netflix because he does cooking/dishes/laundry.

Perhaps if there are any things like that you don't do you would be willing to, but maybe she doesn't have much faith you would think of them.

she does do house stuff on her 'days off'. So, in her mind she would still have to do all that and work an extra day or two

Yes, like OP does. Why is it ok for OP to do it but not the wife?

LipstickHandbagCoffee

I'm not trying to have a fight. The reason I listed the things I did was to show that these were things my husband didn't even consider to be part of general housework. And yet they still need doing. He certainly didn't think to do them.

OP has very pointedly said that all the 'work' is currently split 50/50. It's very possible that it's not. In which case his wife might not be the CF you're all making her out to be.

'Editing and backing up family photographs'

That important weekly chore that stops you going out to work