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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExDH family demanding to know where trust fund is after 8yrs

143 replies

RossPoldarksWife · 15/05/2019 13:53

Long story but, divorced from ex’s for 2yrs, he then took his own life when DD was 6yrs. His family in and out her life as and when they can be bothered. Not much contact. Left to me to put our lives back together. He left a pension and lump sum to dd, which was invested and not been touched. Currently worth a nice nest egg for her. She has no idea that it is there.

Roll on 8yrs, dd nearly 15yrs, got an amazing chance to go America with her cousins on my side, without me, just aunt, uncle, two cousins and dd.
I couldn’t afford to pay but DP of 5yrs said he would.
Dd and cousins obviously very excited, talking about it on Facebook.
Cue exh brother calling her and asking how it’s being paid for. She replies DP is. He then proceeded to tell her that there is money in trust for her, she denies as she obviously had no idea. He then accused me of using it to her. She then has some questions for me.

Now I’m being accused of spending her money by uncle, and have had to show her the account to prove otherwise. I am refusing to show him.
He says he is taking me to court for spending her inheritance.

She is fine with it and after talking to her why I kept it quiet, is happy to leave it where it is for her future.

AIBU in thinking it’s none of his business and he shouldn’t have told her about the trust fund.?

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 15/05/2019 17:15

I mean even if you hadn't invested that money for your DD, you surely could have used it to support her for the last 10 years since you had to do it totally on your own after your ex died, right? Also it's none of his business

HotChocolateLover · 15/05/2019 17:16

Sounds like my husband’s ex-wife. She once rang up DH’s step-dad to check that there was definitely a surprise party going on that evening 🤷‍♀️ The step-dad obviously had no idea about his own surprise party which MIL had been planning for weeks so he told the ex that there was no party! My DH got accused of being a liar and all sorts, totally ridiculous 😂😂

stucknoue · 15/05/2019 17:19

As he has no control over the trust it's none of his business. If it were a family trust passed to her then there may be rules to adhere to but this isn't. As for what you can use the money for, generally as long as the trustee(s) agree that's fine, and a special trip abroad meets the criteria

mathanxiety · 15/05/2019 17:23

I urge you to contact the original solicitor, or get another one, and have them tell the uncle that from now on all correspondence with you on this matter should go through the solicitor.

Show him you are not to be bullied. This man has a brass neck.

stucknoue · 15/05/2019 17:26

But just a word of advice, try to get it into an account/fund where you need to countersign until at least 21, if not older - your dd may be very sensible now but young adults are known for making poor choices, my neighbour in my flat had a lodger who was 20 and broke but owned a Ferrari, his parents had died in a car accident when he was 17 leaving a house, life assurance, pension and he spent the lot on holidays and the car, by the time I knew him all he had was the car which was seriously dented!

Original poster

RossPoldarksWife · 15/05/2019 17:32

myotherprofile

I only got told at the last minute. I asked her if she wanted to go, she refused. Too confused at the time I thought. I did go with my best friend. It was awful. The entire congregation turned and looked, the audible “what’s she doing here?”. Having to walk the length of the church being talked about. Village life at its finest. His family clearly not happy I was there. They blamed me for his death. I only went so my daughter would be represented, and I could tell her about it when she was older.

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 15/05/2019 17:34

I had similar issue. dps brother thinks he should have all dds inheritance now because she might grow up to be evil As if we were about to hand over everything. dd is 7.

Acis · 15/05/2019 17:37

Could he get himself appointed guardian? Surely he’d need a lot more than the fact I won’t show him her account?

Yes, of course he would, that's the point I was making.

Original poster

RossPoldarksWife · 15/05/2019 17:37

lilQueenie
😡 What is it about them that makes them more entitled than a child?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2019 17:41

Your exBIL is not entitled to one cent or any information regarding that money. I would immediately block all contact with that twat.

TheRedBarrows · 15/05/2019 17:46

This man is really greedy, selfish and obnoxious.
Outrageous that he thought his mother would divert her money to him, rather than the child of her other son.

So there is no 'Trust' - she was named as the beneficiary in the Pension, and she has inherited the cash, placed in an account in her name opened by you, her mother and controlled by you until she is 16, or whatever age on the account.

He has no interest in your Dd at all, just getting his hands on money. I would have no contact at all, unless your dd actually wants to.

Original poster

RossPoldarksWife · 15/05/2019 17:50

theredbarrows
Yes that’s about it. Obviously the solicitor thought I was trustworthy.
We are in discussion about further contact. She’s really not that bothered. He only speaks to her a couple of times a year. Can’t even remember her birthday.

OP posts:

zippey · 15/05/2019 17:55

I’m going against the grain and say it sounds like he is coming from a good place but coming over in a crass way. He doesn’t sound like he wants the money, just wants to make sure his late brothers daughter gets what she is due. His brother did pass away after all, so his loyalty is to his Bruce rather than you.

I do agree that he seems to be caring about the money aspect too much and it’s a bit crap that he hasn’t shown any compassion until this incident.

I’d cut him some slack and let him know your daughter has seen the evidence.

Sophiesdog11 · 15/05/2019 17:58

Your DD sounds very sensible, but I would sit and talk with her about keeping quiet about the money, so that she doesn’t ever speak to friends about it.

My DC were 17 And 14.5 when we knew about their inheritance, we spoke to them at length about not mentioning it to friends then or in the future, who may prey on them. Both are very sensible and as far as I know neither has talked about it. Fortunately they are happy not to touch it at present which means they are not “splashing the cash”.

I have talked to one local friend whose DC also have a significant inheritance (I asked some advice when we knew about ours). We neither of us would say anything to others, if it came out locally amongst adult friends I would know it was her!

Other than that only relatives who were also beneficiaries know exactly how much it was, my PIL and a couple of close but not local friends know they got some money but not the extent of it.

Original poster

RossPoldarksWife · 15/05/2019 18:02

sophiesdog11

She’s a very private person. No one at her secondary school knows about her father, she’s happy to let them assume DP is her dad. There is only her best friend from primary who knows the truth. I will have a chat to her about it though. It is a lot of money. Although family know about her inheritance, no one knows the actual amount aside from dd and I.

OP posts:

Erignon · 15/05/2019 18:08

Your late DH's money passed to you on his death. It's up to you what you did with it, nothing to do with his family at all. He didn't leave it in a trust for her so it's only because of your generosity that you've left it invested and untouched. No you don'd have to answer any of their questions, much less provide them with evidence, and if they don't stop this nasty line of questioning I'd report them to the police for harassing you

MyOtherProfile · 15/05/2019 18:11

You were very brave to go to the funeral.

BogglesGoggles · 15/05/2019 18:12

He doesn’t have a leg to stand on legally. Even if you had misappropriated and spent the whole amount the only person who could sue you is your dd. Just ignore him. Your dd sounds very reasonable by the way, you sound like you’ve done a wonderful job raising her.

Ginger1982 · 15/05/2019 18:13

They sound horrible!

My DF predeceased my DGM so I inherited what would have been his share. I think his sibling raised an eyebrow but that's the law up here.

How lovely for your DD that her dad, although gone and in such awful circumstances, provided for her, despite how you might feel about him.

Hopeygoflightly · 15/05/2019 18:18

He sounds like a greedy idiot. Try to get your DD to be sensible with the money tho! Our D.C. will inherit a significant amount of money and at the advice of the lawyer they won’t have control of it until they’re 25 ( he suggested 30! Originally) up until then they would have to ask the trustees to take money out - and it can be used for their sole benefit only eg Uni fees, housing etc.

Original poster

RossPoldarksWife · 15/05/2019 18:21

myotherprofile
Not brave, just felt I had to for her sake.

The inquest a year later was worse.
ginger1982
I have never slighted her father in any way. He’s not here to defend himself.

OP posts:

Sophiesdog11 · 15/05/2019 18:27

Erignon

Have you actually read the thread.

It was Ops ex DH who died, Op wasn’t left any money - her DD was the named beneficiary of his pension in his will and also part of his late mums will.

Even though it may not be in a formal trust, Op still has a duty to look after the money as best she can and her DD could take her to court in the future if she didn’t do this.

We took control of our DDs money from the solicitor (who were executors and trustees) when she was 16. It was made clear to us and DD by the solicitor that we had a duty of care with the money but she could use some before 18 if necessary.

longwayoff · 15/05/2019 18:28

Let him find a solicitor who will charge him for telling him he hasn't got a case. Feel quite cross on your behalf.

Gigglinghysterically · 15/05/2019 18:31

@Erignon
"Your late DH's money passed to you on his death. .....He didn't leave it in a trust for her so it's only because of your generosity that you've left it invested and untouched."
This isn't the case. The XH left it to his DD by naming her as the beneficiary on his pension . It is nothing to do with OP's generosity. The DD's father left her the money directly.

Ginger1982 · 15/05/2019 18:32

@RossPoldarksWife Sorry, I wasn't suggesting that you had or would 👍🏻

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