Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge friend for leaving her children

345 replies

GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:10

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 15/05/2019 17:52

She is going first, then he is following!

Anyone else wondering if this will actually happen, or if she is going to up and leave her husband and children to find that when the time comes, the OM may not do the same to his wife and DC?

Copperandtod · 15/05/2019 17:52

Divorce separation rates are high. It’s usually the woman who gets left with the children. In this case it’s the other way round. That’s reality. She does not want to be with her husband. She’s found a new man.

I certainly wouldn’t do it but it happens all the time

nrpmum · 15/05/2019 17:54

@GuiltyJudging I have no worries answering. My circumstances were that we moved to the area my exh and I lived in for his work. We broke up, divorced. I had residence of both of my children (youngest his). I got made redundant and the job that I do is predominantly based in the area where I come from originally, and I needed to work, so I told my ex the situation. Got offered a job, sorted a house. Originally my DD was coming with me, but I had to move the month before the house completed because of my job and my DD decided she wanted to stay with her friends. Exh decided getting an emergency PSO and child arrangement order would be a good idea instead of talking to me. DD told me after the emergency order was served in me that she wanted to stay, so for her I agreed. It nearly killed me to make that decision, literally.

thankyourforthemusic · 15/05/2019 17:56

She's totally the lowest of the low to leave her kids . If she wants to leave her husband fine but the kids no .
Also I'd bet this new man doesn't leave his wife .

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 18:00

That must have been so incredibly hard nrpmum thanks for sharing, I really didn’t mean to pry.

OP posts:
Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 18:01
  • I just worry that her making this rash decision will destroy all her chances of ever getting future custody/access
OP posts:
nrpmum · 15/05/2019 18:13

@GuiltyJudging it's ok. I have mostly recovered from the shock of it.

Mammatino · 15/05/2019 18:13

The secrecy is awful, knowing that you are going to drop this bombshell on your family and be acting like a teenage girl is so bad. I couldn't possibly leave my son but she obviously is too excited about her new life to care about the devastation she is going to wreak on two families. Drop her and concentrate on being a good friend to the poor husband and those children, keep the allotment patches for them. Shitty position to put you in.

Snog · 15/05/2019 18:21

Friend of a friend did this and our mutual friend found it really hard to continue their friendship. Ten years on and everything is pretty normal again - she is married to a new DH and has an 8 year old with him.

Her first two children were of course negatively affected for a few years but things are now back on track and their relationship with their mum is good again now. My friend is now close with her again.

It was the best thing for the woman concerned but was certainly hard on her children and her DH but tbh the original marriage wasn't great.

outvoid · 15/05/2019 18:27

I understand some people have no maternal instinct and that pregnancies can be unplanned or perhaps some people have a child hoping the instinct will kick in once the child arrives, I don’t know. What I can’t fathom is someone having more than one child if this is the case then deciding to up and leave them one day because it’s just too difficult.

Everyone makes a conscious decision every day, these children didn’t have to be born and she certainly didn’t have to have more than one child. Now they will suffer because she is selfish and couldn’t take responsibility for her own life and actions, poor souls...

I agree with PP’s on telling the husband. Tell him and fuck her off, she is delusional and abhorrent.

nrpmum · 15/05/2019 18:31

Actually I think you should tell your friend to come clean by X date to her husband. She is being incredibly unfair, and putting you in a dreadful position. Although I do wonder if there is a reason she feels this way, shit marriage or something else.

Lizzie48 · 15/05/2019 18:40

It’s an awful thing that she’s planning to do, and I also don’t think I could remain friends with someone who could do this. You should alert her DH so he has some warning that she’s planning to abandon their DC.

StarEclipse · 15/05/2019 18:46

A friend's mum left her and her dad when my friend was five. The mum had no contact by her own choice for many years but went on to have more children (friend heard through family members).

My friend has always been affected by this, I remember her talking and crying often about it when we were children. As an adult her mum wanted contact but she refused.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 15/05/2019 18:47

It’s not really about feminism, men do this all the time apparently but most people of either sex try and remain geographically close when the split so they can see their children because they, you know, WANT to. She sounds like a shallow idiot tbh, all tied up in the ceremony of the communion and the dresses, I expect there will be photographs all over social media, but the meaning is totally lost on her.
My DH’s exwife pretty much abandoned her DS in favour of drink and frittering away her money from the sale of the family house on crap. She barely made an effort to see him for years, however likes to turn up and hijack the Instagramable events. DSS can’t stand her. He has a happy home with me and DH but he deserved much better treatment from his mum and she remains baffled as to why he avoids her now.

bordellosboheme · 15/05/2019 18:50

Midlife crisis?

RosaWaiting · 15/05/2019 18:55

it sounds like she really regrets having children and feels like this is the only way to escape.

I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for the children. But I agree they are better remaining with a parent who wants to care for them.

some posters are saying, will the man really go. I'm actually wondering if the man is an invention, an excuse.

we do know of someone who did this and actually left the daughter with her stepfather. It is awful but what is it like being raised by someone who really resents you? I don't know.

CoraPirbright · 15/05/2019 18:55

Is anyone else boggling at the idea of “tying up loose ends”?? These are not ‘loose ends’, these are this man’s wife and children.

I am not sure that I would tell the DH actually. It sounds like he is the better parent and the children would probably be better of staying in their original house with him. Once she has bogged off and is awaiting the arrival of her lover, perhaps the other wife should be told though...

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/05/2019 19:01

The ex of one of DH's friends did this. The other man didn't leave his wife and child.
She'd been blinded by the excitement of the new relationship and allowed herself to believe the kids would be fine with their dad and occasional holidays with her and her new man. When that relationship fell apart she realised that she'd lost her old job and marriage and risked losing her relationship with the kids. She fell apart.
Fortunately for her, her ex put the children first and decided it was in their best interests to maintain shared custody and allowed her to stay in the spare room until she found a new local job.

Sparkles07 · 15/05/2019 19:09

My sister walked out on her family, 3 lovely sons, youngest wasn't even two and she'd only been married 18 months.
Life had settled and she was bored, wanted to be out partying and enjoying life while husband was happy to stay in and act like a parent.
So she left them, no other guy that I know of at that time.
I wouldn't have cut her out my life if she wasn't my sister. My dad did cut her out shortly after this (when she moved in with an abusive druggy). I've stuck with her throughout, and remained on good terms with my xbil so I can keep contact with my nephews.
5 years on, she's still with her boyfriend, he's recently gotten out of jail, she has contact a couple of nights a week, but they still live with their dad.
Xbil remarried and gave my nephews a sister, boys are stable to good kids.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 15/05/2019 19:15

@Mynamenotaccepted Thanks

IAmTheChosenOne · 15/05/2019 19:23

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

So she doesn't enjoy motherhood? A lot of women don't, and didn't get a choice either on whether to have children. She's leaving the children with the parent who is better suited to looking after them - shes doing the right thing.

This just the worst sort of gender stereotyping ergo, she is female therefore she must like/want/have children and totally give up her life in doing so. Or be judged. This sort of thread is why women will never get parity with men.

No one would think twice if it was a bloke leaving his spouse and children, but you're all painting this woman akin to Myra Hindley.

Other peoples lives, only two people in a marriage, who knows what goes on behind closed doors. She's obviously unhappy and wants to leave. And she's making plans to do so.

ShesABelter · 15/05/2019 19:38

I can't believe people are saying it's not that bad men do this all the time. I'd be just as digusted by a man sneaking around behind his families back and moving away 4.5-6 hours without any prior warning or notice to allow the children to get use to the idea or let them choose who they want to stay with. It's utterly selfish!

@nrp your situation is completely different from this though. You discussed with your ex and children what you were doing before you moved and you did for a reason, your job. You didn't just decide to up and leave and not let your child come, your ex and child decided that. What you have went through must of been so hard.

PeapodBurgundy · 15/05/2019 19:38

IAmTheChosenOne I look on it the same whether it's men or women. It's not the fact she's leaving that I find so offensive, it's the way she's handling it. The friend I referred to in my previous comment was a man. It's got nothing to do with gender for me, and everything to do with handling a situation poorly, and the impact that will have on innocent children who have no input or control over any of this.

IAmTheChosenOne · 15/05/2019 19:43

@PeaBody - any parent leaving will have an impact. And no, shes handling it abysmally - but its the vilification that a woman is having the temerity to leave that is pushing my buttons. Double standards. To use the oft quoted "this isnt 1952", she has choices.

brokenpromisesorlies · 15/05/2019 19:43

My father did this sadly, and no, I don’t have any relationship with him whatsoever! However, he’s not alone, lots of men do this exact thing and are free to move on with their life, with very little, if any judgement from society!

Swipe left for the next trending thread