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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge friend for leaving her children

345 replies

GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:10

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 15/05/2019 16:54

*is better. Absent us better.

Jenasaurus · 15/05/2019 16:54

Definitely tell the husband. As a PP said it couldn't make things any worse. Poor little mite, Just 3 years old, how will they ever get over their mum running off and abandoning them.

Hithere12 · 15/05/2019 16:55

YANBU I'm super judging her, to leave such young children is shocking. I wouldn't even know what to say to her

I’m going completely against the thread saying this but isn’t it completely normal for a man to end a relationship and move out and have the kids part time/at weekends?

Would you all be calling the man absolutely scum for ending things with his wife and having the kids part time? What’s the difference? Why is is automatically the woman who is the full time parent?

purpleboy · 15/05/2019 17:02

I guess hithere that it's not quite the same, this woman is giving her husband or children no warning she is leaving, she is not going to be close by to help them adjust to life without her full time. She is moving to the other side of the country so it might not be feasible to see the kids as often as she thinks.
She will be there one day then gone the next without so much as a discussion with her husband who now has to pick up 100% of the slack. The youngest is 3 who will look after the child whilst the father has to presumably work to keep a roof over their heads?
Do you honestly think this is an acceptable way to behave regardless of the sex?
And as a pp said most of us are mothers who absolutely cannot imagine the thought of abandoning out children never mind the fact she is doing it purely for her own selfish gain without a second thought for anyone involved and that includes the OMs family who are also possibly going to be in the same situation.

LilQueenie · 15/05/2019 17:13

I would tell the husband so he can clear the bank account and hit her with csa money. Would be the same advice if it was a man leaving so why not.

Daisychainsandglitter · 15/05/2019 17:16

I'm really shocked reading that. That's a really awful thing to do. Her poor children.
I would definitely cut her off as a friend and tell her DH

nrpmum · 15/05/2019 17:20

@Veterinari absolutely 100% agree.

My circumstances are different from the OPs friend, but my ex husband is RP of our daughter. He does as good a job as I would.

flumposie · 15/05/2019 17:21

This is just heart breaking. Those poor children and husband. How they would ever get over this I do not know. My daughter and class mates are preparing for their Holy Communion and the thought that this could be one of the Mums I know is haunting.

MitziK · 15/05/2019 17:27

Just a thought here...

If she's waiting to get the big First Holy Communion out of the way, she's Catholic and possibly goes to Church?

I think her Priest might have something to say about this if he were to know, for example, if you were to be very concerned for her emotional health, due to what she's been telling you...

LuckyLou7 · 15/05/2019 17:35

I don't get the fuss about the Holy Communion, followed by buggering off to the seaside without the kids. The child's memories of the event will forever be tainted by the fact mum left home shortly afterwards.
I will also be very surprised if her married man manages to tie up his loose ends and move in with her. I couldn't be friends with someone like this.

iwunderwhy · 15/05/2019 17:36

Why do people think Feminism means supporting women no matter what? On the contrary, it means standing up for women's human rights AND their children's rights which is VERY different. None of us knows what goes on behind closed doors but If true, she sounds like a complete narcissist, unable to put her kids needs before her own, and that crap doesn't get better with age ! Maybe her going is for the good - if she stays gone !!

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 17:37

nrpmum thanks for your input, I’ve never really known a nrp mother so I’m curious (please don’t feel obliged to answer) how the decision was made? Was it out of your hands or did you decide together?

Mitz she’s not catholic at all! We’re in Ireland though and it’s just “the done thing” for a lot of people, religious or not

OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 15/05/2019 17:37

I would tell the husband so he can clear the bank account and hit her with csa money. Would be the same advice if it was a man leaving so why not.

It’s not exactly the same as society sees the mum as the default parent. It is incredibly hard for a man to become RP unless it is given voluntarily. If not, it’s lengthy court battles to prove her unfit.

If she is rumbled and she doesn’t leave, she is in a much stronger position to make her dh leave and move om in. Which is shit for him- plus it sound all round better for the kids if she does leave so he can parent.

Can’t believe the poster who thinks he’ll be better off being kicked out of his house and away from his kids while she is forced to parent. Are we really that convinced mum is always the better option and all dads want to parent EOW?

supersop60 · 15/05/2019 17:37

At first I was shocked at reading the OP, and having read through all the replies I'm starting to think maybe the children will be better off without her. If she is as disconnected at the OP says.
The Communion thing is totally hypocritical because she's not acting in a very Christian manner.
What bothers me most is the apparent glee with which she is telling the OP all this. Has she no idea at all of the carnage she is about to cause?
OP - I'd be telling her to jog on and have a nice life.
Draw a line under the friendship, and be there to support those poor kids and their father.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 17:38

She’s moving a 4.5hr drive (8hour round trip) but I’ve done the journey and one way it took 6.5hrs a 4.5hrs would be on a very good day I imagine!

OP posts:
ANewDawn10 · 15/05/2019 17:39

I hope this other man uses, abuses and dumps her. Shes a despicable thing. If she was truly distraught and not managing being a mother, she wouldn't be so excited to be decorating and looking forward to her new home.

PeapodBurgundy · 15/05/2019 17:39

This would be a deal breaker on the friendship for me. A long standing friend of mine (we're talking decades) recently left their DC and has started behaving in an appalling manner to the other parent, in front of the children. Ex friend is now completely NC with their children, and I am no longer speaking to them. I count myself fortunate to have maintained my friendship with the remaining parent and the children.

My decision on what to do with regard to telling the husband would depend on what I would want/expect my relationship to be with him going forward, and (assuming you wish to keep in touch with him and the children) how you think he would feel about the news that you knew in advance and said nothing should he ever find out.

Tread carefully (YANBU)

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 17:40

If she is rumbled and she doesn’t leave, she is in a much stronger position to make her dh leave and move om in.

This is something that’s just dawned on me

OP posts:
Copperandtod · 15/05/2019 17:43

Men do this all the time. What’s the alternative? She chucks her man out and moves her new man in with her children?

choli · 15/05/2019 17:43

What bothers me most is the apparent glee with which she is telling the OP all this. Has she no idea at all of the carnage she is about to cause?
This makes me suspect the elated phase of bipolar disorder. I saw a lot of it with one of my friends until she was stabilized with meds. The married lover may not even exist, or may be completely unaware that she believes they are having an affair.

MumUnderTheMoon · 15/05/2019 17:44

If you would also judge a male friend for this then YANBU. I think she's being very selfish but marriages break up everyday and plenty of dads move away for work. Growing up in a home with a parent who isn't invested in you is very upsetting. If your friend isn't happy being a mum perhaps it will be best for her children to not live with her. I also think she is stunningly naive to uproot her life for a man who will "follow her" later.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 17:45

What’s the alternative?

You really see no alternative to sneaking around and planning on running away to the other side of the country with a married man she’s having an affair with? Really?

OP posts:
Sonicknuckles · 15/05/2019 17:49

How incredibly selfish. I don't know how any mother could do this

Pinkallium · 15/05/2019 17:51

My SIL did this recently. Moved to another country for an exciting new job and a man she’d been having an affair with, leaving her 9 yo with her dad. TeddybearBaby describes my feelings of incomprehension about this well.

friendsfan · 15/05/2019 17:51

No way.