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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge friend for leaving her children

345 replies

GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 13:10

NC and Dailymail are scum.

My best friend of 20 years has confided in me that she plans to leave her DH and DC in two weeks time, once the oldest DCs communion is out of the way.
She has organized a job relocation to a different part of the county and has paid a deposit for a little flat. She’s been planning this a while as she met someone (also married) through work and he plans to follow her when he ties up his loose ends.

She spent an hour on the phone after she’d “let me in on it” excitedly telling me about the decor she’d chosen and talking endlessly about the dress and shoes she’d chosen for a friends wedding next month and gushing about this arsehole who’s also leaving his wife and child.

It hasn’t exactly come from nowhere, even when she didn’t work she had them in full time childcare and never seemed to enjoy motherhood.

I consider myself a feminist but I’m so upset about this, her youngest is only 3.

AIBU to question a 20 year friendship over this?

OP posts:
specterlitt · 15/05/2019 14:33

Are you also friends with her husband? If so, maybe it would be right to tell him. Usually I would say it's better to mind your own business and cut her off, but it also seems so unfair that this man is going to get the shock of his life with no time to prepare or process. She should not have put this burden on you.

If I were in your position, I would judge too, I'd judge both of them who whilst married have deceived their significant others and children. It would not be a friendship I could continue with and I would drop it. There's only so much you can help someone sometimes, some are beyond help.

I hope things work out for her husband and children, that somehow they come out better in this. She has no idea if that other man will leave his family and may be in for a shock herself.

MummyParanoia101 · 15/05/2019 14:34

@GuiltyJudging You know you have to tell him right? So what if she kicks him out? It still scuppers her plans. He would be better off without her anyway and then she'll have to remain the sole cater of her kids (besides eventual visits from their father).
Get her to mention it in a text or something and then show him. She can't deny it then. Please don't stand back and do nothing Thanks

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 14:34

Milicentbystander72 the second friend sounds exactly like my friend! She just seems so delusional “oh they’ll love the fun fair and the bumper cars!” (She’s moving to a seaside town) but not seeming to comprehend what she’d doing!

OP posts:
marcus2000 · 15/05/2019 14:37

I know of a woman who did exactly this - but the man never showed up. It turned out he had changed his mind about leaving his wife.

Wherearemycrayons · 15/05/2019 14:38

Oh my word 😢 those poor children.

Veterinari · 15/05/2019 14:39

Why is it genuinely such a bad thing?
It sounds like her relationship is over and she needs to split from her DH. Her DH is the primary carer and she’s made the decision to leave DC with him and minimise disruption but still wants to be part of their lives - surely that’s a better thing for the DC?

@GuiltyJudging You say you’re a feminist but then you judge your friend for making a decision that is likely in the best interests of her DC - she’s not uprooting them or deliberately disrupting them but has accepted that leaving them with their dad is the best thing.

It seems to me like you and a lot of PP on this thread are judging a women simply for leaving an unhappy marriage and more to the point leaving DC in a stable environment with their primary caregiver. Why judge her for that? - is it because you actually believe that women are utterly responsible for DC in a relationship? In which case i’d Be questioning your proclaimedfeminist values.

nokidshere · 15/05/2019 14:40

@GuiltyJudging You know you have to tell him right? So what if she kicks him out? It still scuppers her plans. He would be better off without her anyway and then she'll have to remain the sole cater of her kids (besides eventual visits from their father).

You really think that making her remain to be the sole carer for children she doesn't feel maternal about is the best thing for the children? For whatever reason some people aren't cut out to be parents and maybe, in this case, the father would be better being the sole carer.

NurseButtercup · 15/05/2019 14:41

YANBU to judge her I am also judging.

But I also suspect that your friend is deeply unhappy and thinks running away is the answer. I think your friend will regret making this decision if she actually follows through with her plan.

nokidshere · 15/05/2019 14:42

Sorry my reply was to @Milicentbystander72

Mynamenotaccepted · 15/05/2019 14:43

Another one here like nokidshere my mother dumped me on Paddington Station when I was 6. Although it seemed ages I am sure it was arranged as my father picked me up. I have not seen her since. I am now an OAP Sad but it still makes me feel rejected.
Your friends poor children my heart goes out to them.
No you are not being unreasonable. Good luck whatever you decide

floribunda18 · 15/05/2019 14:48

I can understand leaving the family home, but not to live somewhere so far away that you will hardly ever see the kids.

DesperadoDan · 15/05/2019 14:49

A woman left her children for my uncle, she is a nasty piece of work and he is incredibly selfish (wanted her, not her kids) all her DC are now adults and doing well. Over the years she has attempted to bribe her way back in with them, they were not interested. They thrived under the care of their Father and his parents.
She meanwhile has huge regrets.
Maybe the DC are better off without such a selfish parent.

Girlicorne · 15/05/2019 14:51

I would ghost her and tell her husband. She is vile and I hope her children want nothing to do with her, now or when they grow up. This makes me so angry, those poor children will spend their whole lives wondering what they did to make their mother abandon them when it is all her fault for being a nasty selfish bitch. .

WestBerlin · 15/05/2019 14:53

‘You know you have to tell him right? So what if she kicks him out? It still scuppers her plans. He would be better off without her anyway and then she'll have to remain the sole cater of her kids (besides eventual visits from their father).’

That’s a terrible idea. Why should the poor man lose his home and children, when he’s done nothing wrong and seems to be better parent? All in the name of punishing a woman who doesn’t want to be a mother. Who you would actually be punishing is the children, who shouldn’t be raised by a resentful mother.

ceirrno · 15/05/2019 14:53

I would judge whichever parent it is, nothing to do with being a mother specifically, but either way, what a terribly sad situation

JingsMahBucket · 15/05/2019 14:54

@Veterinari I agree. I’m actually not judging the friend too much either. The only part of her plan that likely will go awry is the OM moving with her. And even if he doesn’t follow her, I still think the best thing for the friend to do is divorce her husband. She’s not happy being a full time mother, so be it.

@GuiltyJudging, if I were you I’d warn your friend about the OM not following through and for her to have a back up plan in terms of finances. Otherwise, I’d let it play out, unfortunately. Has she considered she may ordered to pay maintenance?

Here’s an honest question for you: if your friend were not having an affair and only wanted a divorce, and based on her attitude towards motherhood, would you still be judging her?

Aprillygirl · 15/05/2019 15:06

How could you sit and entertain her while she's gabbling on about decor and clothes? What she's planning to do is beyond cruel and there's no way I could be friends with such a selfish dick. This will come back to bite her hard on the arse hard, and I hope she has no friends there for her when it does.

HBStowe · 15/05/2019 15:09

Yanbu, what a terrible thing to do. She doesn’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage, but to just move away from the kids is so cruel.

I would also tell her husband so he can get his ducks in a row make any necessary financial preparations and discuss with her how to protect the children from her selfishness.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/05/2019 15:16

Ask her what she plans to do if this guy never shows up?

Also do not tell the husband and get embroiled in this mess

HazelBite · 15/05/2019 15:19

My SIL and her Dsis were abandoned by their Mum when they were 18 months old and 4 years respectively. They were left with their father who was a "philanderer" and I guess she had had enough.
She has never been forgiven, and despite both girls contacting their Mother (via Facebook) and meeting it was not a happy re-union and SIl says "She means nothing to me".
Her father? They had a couple of "Aunties" until he settled and re-married. Both girls treated Stepmother as their DM, and even when that marriage broke down when their father cheated they stayed with their Stepmother and half siblings.
I have great admiration for SIL, she is a wonderful Mother despite everything, and hopefully if the Op's friends DC's will thrive without their unwilling Mother.

fikel · 15/05/2019 15:19

I would be on the phone telling her the fall out and damage she will cause to the children doesn’t bear thinking about

Fifthtimelucky · 15/05/2019 15:22

I have a lot of sympathy with @Veterinari. Obviously I do not condone what the woman is doing (either the plans to leave or the infidelity), but it's no worse than many men do. If it was a man in this case, no one would think it unusual. It just seems more shocking because it is the mother rather than the father. I certainly couldn't have gone off and left my children, but many men do.

It could be a lot worse. The mother is proposing to leave the children in their home, with their primary caregiver. That gives them stability they wouldn't have if she took them with her, and they will have the support of their school and their friends. The mother wants to see them and maintain contact - she does not want to abandon them altogether. The OP said she was moving to a different part of the county, not a different part of the country, so (unless that was a typo) she will not be hundreds of miles away.

I'm not underestimating how upsetting it will be for the children, and they will need both parents, and others, to reassure them that they are not to blame for their mother's departure. But children are resilient as many posters on his thread have demonstrated.

Original poster
GuiltyJudging · 15/05/2019 15:22

It’s not that I listened placidly, she talks at me a lot and I was still in shock.

To the PP who says “you say you’re a feminist but...” I’m sorry but you’re trying too hard to push your narrative I feel, i would feel exactly the same if it was a man. She’s not just moving out and going 50/50, she’s moving across the country and her children and their best interests are not the reason for the move.

If she’s had seriously thought this through and decided to leave in a dignified way, no married man and on such a whim-I would support her.

OP posts:
Dieu · 15/05/2019 15:24

Awful. I wouldn't be able to support her in this at all. YADNBU.

ControversialFerret · 15/05/2019 15:34

I'd tell him without hesitation. If he chooses to believe her lies then at least you know you tried.

But if it does register then it gives him a chance to try and get his head round it before she ups and fucks off. Those poor kids.